The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

FIFTY SOMETHING

“Do you know...what day it is?”
“Nope”...said my beau. “What's today?”
“Well! If you can't remember”, I cried
“I'm not gonna say.
Well aren't you gonna ask me?”
I insisted with a few tears.
“Alright”, he said...”you're fifty today...
and you have been for three or four years”.

That wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Just a few...simple birthday wishes,
a romantic night...a bottle of wine
and someone to do the dishes.
Instead...like a mature plucked Cinderella
with mascara blurred...eyes
my Prince Charming declares he's swapping
my fifty for two twenty fives.

He'll have a problem handling two;
his belly hangs below his belt.
He said my boobs were no better
like saddle bags...last time he felt.
See...they fall underneath me arms.
He knelt on 'em once and they spread.
Reckoned he was leaning forward
to switch on the light overhead.

He can't do things...like he used to
gets short winded and very abrupt.
When we were young...he worked all night
now he's all night...working it up.
Mind you...I don't give him a lot of help
like I did when I was young.
The elasticity has left my vital parts
you could say...spring has sprung.

We try to get together...
was recommended a book called "Fore Play"
wasn't a crossword or card game in it,
and the pictures were worn away.
I looked at myself in the mirror
perhaps the problem lies with me.
Surely the body doesn't fall apart...
...life begins at fifty.

I need to recharge by batteries,
get rid of my facial hair,
buy new underwire bras,
make 'em look like a pair.
My beau used a whipper snipper on my face,
“I'll trim it”...he said...”it won't pull”.
So I laid on the floor with his foot on my neck,
it started...then ran out of fuel.
Just as well...it went berserk,
desexed our neighbour’s cat.
I said...”Whatever you do...don't mention it...
when you give 'em the snipper back.”

I've been going to the gym lately,
I wear the correct gear...
you know...leotards with that skinny strap
on the strategic part of your rear.
No-one told me to wear tights as well
as I sat on the rowing machine.
Imagine how I felt...when a man pulled it out,
thank goodness it came out clean.
I'm preparing my body and keeping fit,
you know age is a state of mind too,
don't ask me what state I'm in,
let's just say...’Thirty Two.’

Copyright; Shirley Friend
From her book 'Another Dose From Floozie'

8 lies of a mother

This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry."
This was Mother's First Lie.

As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten; My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish."
This was Mother's Second Lie.

Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes which she filled with fresh matchsticks. . This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired."
This was Mother's Third Lie

When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me.. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her.. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration; I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!".
This was Mother's Fourth Lie.

After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small.

Our other neighbours saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love."
This was Mother's Fifth Lie.

After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.

I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie

In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eighth Lie.

Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died.
YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL!

M - O - T - H - E - R

"M" is for the Million things she gave me,
"O" means Only that she's growing old,
"T" is for the Tears she shed to save me,
"H" is for her Heart of gold,
"E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them,
R" means Right, and right she'll always be,

Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER"

A word that means the world to me.

For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.

STRENGTH

We don't always have to be strong
sometimes our strength is expressed in
 being vulnerable.
Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup
 and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any header,
cannot hold back self-doubt,
cannot stop focusing on fear,
cannot be strong.

These are the days when we cannot focus on
 being responsible.
Occasionally, we don't want to get out of
 our pajamas.
Sometimes we cry in front of people.
We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger.
Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means
we give ourselves permission to "fall apart"
when we need to.
We do not need to be perpetual tower of strength.
We ARE strong.
We have proven that.

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves
the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable.
when we need to experience those feelings.

Today help me to know that is okay to
allow myself to be human.
Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself
when i need to "fall apart".

Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."















2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT"














3. Almonds are members of the peach family.














4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.














5. The dot over the letter 'I is called a tittle.














6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.














7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.














8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."














9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.














10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosis.














11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosesl.














12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangiha ngakoauauotamate aturipukakapikim aungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.














13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.














14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.














15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.














16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.














17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.














18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.














19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.














21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.














23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.














24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.














26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.














27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.














28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.














30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti














31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.














33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."














34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.














35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."














36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.








37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.








38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."








39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

GOD SAID............

If you never felt pain, then how would you know that I'm a Healer?
  
If you never went through difficulties, how would you know that I'm a
Deliverer? 
If you never had a trial, how could you call yourself an overcomer?
  
If you never felt sadness, how would you know that I'm a Comforter?
  
If you never made a mistake, how would you know that I'm forgiving?
 
 If you knew it all, how would you know that I will answer your questions?
 
If you never were in trouble, how would you know that I will come to your
Rescue?

 
If you never were broken, then how would you know that I can make you whole?

 
If you never had a problem, how would you know that I can solve them?


If you never had any suffering, then how would you know what Jesus went
Through?

If you never went through the fire, then how would you become pure?
  
If I gave you all things, how would you appreciate them?
 
If I never corrected you, how would you know that I love you?
 
If you had all power, then how would you learn to depend on me?

 
If your life was perfect, then what would you need Me for?

Just Beyond Impossible

When it seems like everything is breaking down, the time is
Ripe for a real breakthrough. In turmoil there is great
Opportunity.

When the only choice is to find a new way forward, you're in
A great position to find that way. When you have nothing
Left to fall back on, you'll figure out how to move ahead.

What seems impossible is impossible only from your current
Perspective. Just beyond impossible is the chance to jump up
To a higher level.

Imagine what you could accomplish if you were ten times as
Effective as you are right now. When circumstances are
Compelling enough, you are completely capable of making such
A leap.

What challenges you, improves you. Whatever challenges you
To the extreme can push you into a breakthrough.

Are you ready to move beyond impossible? Make your reasons
Meaningful enough, so that you have no other choice, and you
Will.
 ~Ralph Marston~

Heal The Hurt

When you blame others for your troubles, you give them
Control of your life. Free yourself from your own anger,
From your own resentment, and you'll find vastly more room
For serenity and abundance.

It's bad enough if someone has wronged you in the past. Is
It of any value for you to continue suffering from it?

Your best strategy is not to prolong the pain, or expand
Upon it. Your best strategy is to get past it as quickly as
Possible.

Whether or not anyone deserves your forgiveness is not the
Point. The point is, you deserve to forgive, to take back
Control of your life, so that you can live abundantly.

Your forgiveness may not even make a difference to those you
Forgive, if they're even aware of it. For you, it makes all
The difference in the world.

When it is you who is feeling the hurt, it is also you who
Can heal the hurt. Heal the hurt, and move past the pain,
With forgiveness.
 Ralph Marston

Never Give Up

One day a young lady was driving along with her father.
They came upon a storm, and the young lady asked her father, What should I do?"
He said "keep driving".  Cars began to pull over to the side, the storm was
Getting worse.

"What should I do." The young lady asked?

"Keep driving," her father replied.

On up a few feet, she noticed that eighteen wheelers were also pulling over.
She told her dad, "I must pull over, I can barely see ahead.  It is
Terrible, and everyone is pulling over!"

Her father told her, "Don't give up, just keep driving!"


Now the storm was terrible, but she never stopped driving, and soon she
Could see a little more clearly. After a couple of miles she was again on
Dry land, and the sun came out.


Her father said, "Now you can pull over and get out."

She said "But why now?"

He said "When you get out, look back at all the people that gave up and are
Still in the storm, because you never gave up your storm is  now over.


This is a testimony for anyone who is going through "hard times".


Just because everyone else, even the strongest, gives up. You don't have
To...if you keep going, soon your storm will be over and the sun will shine
Upon your face again.


This story touched me! I hope it touched you, too !!!

Go Back

Sometimes the best way to move forward is to go back. Go back,
into the experience of your life, and remind yourself why.

Go back and remember why you're where you are, why you're doing
whatever you're doing. Go back and remember what truly matters
to you.

In your mind, go back to a time and a place when life felt positively magical.

 Realize that the magical feeling is still very much a part of you.

See that now, too, is magical. Understand that your best possibilities
are with you even now.

Go back and appreciate all the good things you have ever had.
From a deep and profound sense of gratitude, know that

in this very time is the potential for more joy than ever before.

Go back, and see that all the goodness that ever was, still is.

Now, carry all that goodness with you as you continue to move positively forward.

~Ralph Marston~

Mother

When you're a child she walks before you,
To set an example.
When you're a teenager she walks behind you
To be there should you need her.
When you're an adult she walks beside you
So that as two friends you can enjoy life together.. 

For those of us, whose Mom is no longer with us, a lovely poem

Your Mother Is Always With You...
Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from,
your first home...
She's the map you follow
with every step that you take.
She's your first love
and your first heart break...
and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...
Not even death...
will ever separate you
from your mother...
You carry her inside of you...

Slow Down

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalized processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results.. Therefore, we have come t!o posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

1. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants. .
2. Stockholm has 500,000 people.
3. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, are some of its renowned companies. Volvo even supplies NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden , one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work).

The first day, I didn't say anything, neither the second or third days. One morning I asked him, "Do you have a fixed parking space?

I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot."

To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, don't you think that whoever gets in late will need a place closer to the door?" Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe named Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart, Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fuelled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being".

French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity driven up by 20%..

This slow attitude has come to the notice of USA , the pupils of the fast and "do it now" brigade.

This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity.
It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress.
It means re-establishing family values, friends, free and leisure time.. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous.
It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.
It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive work place where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do.

It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence.

In the movie, 'Scent of a Woman', there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al Pacino responds, "A life is lived in an instant" . Then they dance the tango!

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious to live for the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists.

We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

Law of the Garbage Truck

One day I hopped in a taxi and we took off for the airport.

We were driving in the right lane when suddenly a black car jumped out of a parking space right in front of us.

My taxi driver slammed on his brakes, skidded, and missed the other car by just inches! The driver of the other car whipped his head around and started yelling at us.

My taxi driver just smiled and waved at the guy. And I mean, he was really friendly.

So I asked, 'Why did you just do that? This guy almost ruined your car and sent us to the hospital!'

This is when my taxi driver taught me what I now call, 'The Law of the Garbage Truck.'

He explained that many people are like garbage trucks. They run around full of garbage, full of frustration, full of anger, and full of disappointment.

As their garbage piles up, they need a place to dump it and sometimes they'll dump it on you. Don't take it personally.

Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on. Don't take their garbage and spread it to other people at work, at home, or on the streets.

The bottom line is that successful people do not let garbage trucks take over their day.

Life's too short to wake up in the morning with regrets,

So ... Love the people who treat you right.

Pray for the ones who don't.

Life is ten percent what you make it and ninety percent how you take it!

Have a blessed, garbage-free day!

SPECIAL GROCERY LIST

Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store.

She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries.

She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.

John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once.

Visualizing the family needs, she said: 'Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.'

John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store..

Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two. The customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.  The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, 'Do you have a grocery list?'

Louise replied, 'Yes sir.' 'O.K' he said, 'put your grocer y list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries..'

Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.

The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.

The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, 'I can't believe it.'

The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.

The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.

It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said:

'Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.'

The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned silence.

Louise thanked him and left the store...  The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; 'It was worth every penny of it.

Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs..'

THE POWER: When you receive this, say a prayer. That's all you have to do..

Just stop right now, and say a prayer of thanks for your own good fortune.

Then please send this to all your friends and relatives.

I believe if you will send this testimony out with prayer in faith, you will receive what you need God to do in your and your families' life.

So dear heart, trust God to heal the sick, provide food for the hungry, clothes and shelter for those that don't have as we do. Amen & Amen

Don't break this, please! Prayer is one of the best free gifts we receive.

There is no cost but a lot of rewards. May you always walk with Angels God Bless!

I Made A Misteak

So, I made a mistake.

Mistakes happen. Not only do they happen, they are guaranteed.

My father used to say, the only way you won't make mistakes is
if you don't do anything, and that itself is a mistake.

Too many are afraid to try something new because they feel they
might make an error. They are both right and wrong. Yes, they
will probably make errors but it is good to understand that
errors go with the territory.

You will never accomplish great or worthwhile things without
risk and risk generally means great mistake potential.

You are probably reading this by light bulbs invented by Thomas
Edison. He made over a thousand light bulbs that didn't work.
The world would have called them mistakes. He said he learned a
thousand ways not to make a light bulb.

The way to avoid mistakes is experience.
The way to get experience - Mistakes.

Don't feel bad because you messed up with something.
Don't be afraid to venture out into a good thing because you are
afraid that you might mess up.

While one person hesitates because he feels inferior, another is
busy making mistakes and becoming superior.

An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be
made, in a narrow field.

We have to keep trying things we're not sure we can pull off.
If we just do the things we know we can do... you don't grow as
much. You gotta take those chances on making those big mistakes.

Finally in this computer world on misteaks.
Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes.

What is FRIEND SHIP?

Frndship is a rare jewel that shines,

Only when u give it a sunny smile

Frndship is a lock dat opens,

Only when u unlock ur true self to it

Frndship is a song,which is sung,

Only when u know its rhythm

Frndship is a dream,which comes true,

Only when u believe in it

Frndship is a throne,on which u can sit,

Only when u share ur kingdom wid it

Frndship is a path,which u will find,

Only when u know u r lost

Frndship is a hand dat holds urs,

Only when u extends urs

Frndship is an album of reminiscences, which u can leaf through,

Only when u cherish it

Frndship is a lamp,which lights,

Only when u know it will assuage ur heart

Frndship is a lantern,which glows,

Only when u need the warmth of it

Frndship is a language,which u speak,

Only when u know the meaning of it

Frndship is a potpourri of feelings, which u can smell,

Only when u have a true frnd like u