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Wednesday, September 10, 2014

My Puppy Punched Me In the Eye

My puppy punched me in the eye.
My rabbit whacked my ear.
My ferret gave a frightful cry
and roundhouse kicked my rear.

My lizard flipped me upside down.
My kitten kicked my head.
My hamster slammed me to the ground
and left me nearly dead.

So my advice? Avoid regrets;
no matter what you do,
don't ever let your family pets
take lessons in kung fu.

--Kenn Nesbitt

I Taught My Cat to Clean My Room

I taught my cat to clean my room,
to use a bucket, brush and broom,
to dust my clock and picture frames,
and pick up all my toys and games.

He puts my pants and shirts away,
and makes my bed, and I would say
it seems to me it's only fair
he puts away my underwear.

In fact, I think he's got it made.
I'm not as happy with our trade.
He may pick up my shoes and socks,
but I clean out his litterbox.

--Kenn Nesbitt

Friday, August 8, 2014

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both times!"



2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)



3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!



4. Enjoy the simple things.



5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him/her.



6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.



7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.



8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.



9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.



10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.



11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.



12. Lost time can never be found.





Thursday, May 2, 2013

HOW TO STAY YOUNG


1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him/her.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

12. Lost time can never be found.

Thursday, February 28, 2013

Call Center - Ppl @ Work

Call centre jobs: people wonder why they r paid so much.............for just being on the phone. Take a look:

*

Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop."
Customer "Ok."
Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?"
Customer: "No."
Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?"
Customer "No."
Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?"
Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'."

*

Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message."
Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?"
Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?"

*

Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word."
Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done."
Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'."
Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says."
Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'."
Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk."
Customer:: "What?"
Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?"
Customer: "No..."

*

Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?"
Tech Support:: ?!%#$

*

Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?"
Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?"

*

Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?"
Customer:: "A white one."

*

Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt."
Customer:: "How do you spell that?"

*

Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?"
Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service)
Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-"
Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'."
Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-"
Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through."
Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me."
Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later."

*

Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?"
Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store."

*

Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?"
Customer: "Pentium."

*

Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."

*

Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder."

*

Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?"

*

Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly."
Tech Support: "What does it say?"
Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk."
Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?"
Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside."

*

Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours."
Customer: "Is that Eastern time?"

*

Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?"
Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'."
Tech Support:: "Well?"
Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"
 
User Contribution

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

A Step-by-Step Guide to Completing Homework (at the hostel)

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand it.

3. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you concentrate.

4. Stop off at another floor, on the way back and visit with your friend from class. If your friend hasn't started the paper yet either, you can both walk to the nearby cafe and buy a hamburger to help you concentrate. If your friend shows you his paper, typed, double-spaced, and bound in one of those irritating see-through plastic folders, drop him.

5. When you get back to your room, sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

6. Read over the assignment again to make absolutely certain you understand it.

7. You know, you haven't written to that kid you met at camp since fourth grade. You'd better write that letter now and get it out of the way so you can concentrate.

8. Go look at your teeth in the bathroom mirror.

9. Listen to one side of your favourite tape and that's it-- I mean it! As soon as it's over you are going to start that paper.

10. Listen to the other side.

11. Rearrange all of your CDs into alphabetical order.

12. Phone your friend on the other floor and ask if he's started writing yet. Exchange derogatory remarks about your teacher, the course, the university, and the world at large.

13. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

14. Read over the assignment again; roll the words across your tongue; savour its special flavour.

15. Check the newspaper listings to make sure you aren't missing something truly worthwhile on TV. NOTE: When you have a paper due in less than 12 hours, anything on TV from 'Rahul Dulhaniyan Le Jayenge' to every Zee or Sony soap is truly worthwhile.

16. Phone your friend on the third floor to see if he was watching. Discuss the finer points of the plot.

17. Go look at your tongue in the bathroom mirror.

18. Look through your roommate's book of pictures from home. Ask who everyone is.

19. Sit down and do some serious thinking about your plans for the future.

20. Open your door and check to see if there are any mysterious, trench-coated strangers lurking in the hall.

21. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair in a clean, well-lighted place with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

22. Read over the assignment one more time, just for the heck of it.

23. Scoot your chair across the room to the window and watch the sunrise.

24. Lie face down on the floor and scream at the top of your lungs.

25. Leap up and write the paper.

26. Type the paper.

27. Complain to everyone that you didn't get any sleep because you had to write the paper.
 
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