Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon.

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

Puss In Boots

There was once a miller who had three sons. When his end was near, he gathered them close to him and said:

"My sons, it your turn now to take the reins. You, my eldest, child shall have the windmill. You, my next elder, shall have the donkey. An you, my little Benjamin .. will have the cat."

On the death of their father, the three sons got what he had said.

The youngest son was crestfallen at having inherited the cat. He berated himself and said, "What am I going to do with such a ridiculous gift? I suppose I can eat him when I'm starving and sell his skin for a few sous ... After that, I'll probably starve to death!"

The cat, who had heard everything, said to him. "Now, now, Master. No need to cry like that. Get me a big sack and a pair of boots."

Without being astonished that his cat could talk to him, the young lad went and fetched what was asked for.

The cat put on the boots, took up the sack and left for the forest.

He lay the sack down, which he had transformed into a trap, and waited.  He didn't have to wait long before a stunned hare was swallowed up inside it, and the cat had only to pull the strings to trap it.

The cat went along to the king's palace, who lived not far away, and asked to see him.

He was received by the king in person, and after a few reverences, said  to him, "Sire, my master the Marquis de Carabas gives you this hare as a gift. He caught it himself on his own grounds.”

The king accepted the present and asked the cat to thank his master for him.

The next day, the cat caught two partridges that he brought to the king, still on behalf of the Marquis de Carabas. Throughout the next week the cat brought the king the products of his hunting.

At the end of the week the cat found his master and said to him, "Master, today you will bathe in the river."

The young lad, still not astonished at a talking cat, did as he was told.

While he was splashing about in the water, he heard the noise of a horse-drawn carriage and his cat crying out:

"Help, Help! My master the Marquis de Carabas is drowning!"

The king, who was passing by, ordered his men to stop the carriage and go to the river. He asked his people to help the Marquis de Carabas. To cap it all, explained the cat, the brigands had stolen the master's clothes. The king had someone look for a new suit of clothes for the Marquis.

The young lad, once he was finely dressed, was quite a handsome chap. He approached the carriage to thank the king and noticed the princess. He mumbled a few words and the king, who noticed that his daughter had taken quite a shine to the lad, said to him:

"Marquis, won't you join us?"

He couldn't believe his luck, and sat himself in the carriage facing the princess.

Meanwhile the cat had gone on ahead. Seeing a wheat field in which some harvesters where gathering in the crop, he approached and said to them:

"When they ask you who the field belongs to, you will say it belongs to the Marquis de Carabas. If you don't, I'll see to it that you're ground into mince meat."

As soon as the carriage drew up to the field, the king asked the harvesters, "Who owns this soil?"

They replied, in a single voice, "The Marquis de Carabas."

Not far along, the cat came across some reapers sowing a field. He said to them:

"When they ask you who the field belongs to, you will say it belongs to the Marquis de Carabas. If you don't, I'll see to it that you're ground into mince meat."

The king's carriage drew up along side the reapers and asked them, "Whose land is this?"

They replied, in a single voice, "The Marquis de Carabas."

The cat continued his journey up ahead. He arrived at a castle owned by an ogre, the same ogre who owned the fields they'd just passed. He asked to see the ogre, and was granted an audience.

"My lord," said the cat addressing the ogre. "I have learnt that besides all your riches you possess a gift: The gift of turning yourself into any kind animal you choose. But, I can't quite bring myself to believe it. Perhaps, in your great generosity, you'll kindly give me a demonstration of your powers . . ."

The ogre, flattered that someone had taken quite such an interest in him, proposed to turn himself into a lion, a feat which he completed immediately.

When he resumed his original appearance, that cat thanked him profusely, and then said:

"You know how to transform yourself in a ferocious animal. But do you know how to change yourself in a small animal ... a mouse, for example?"

The ogre, proud and vain, and wanting to show off his immense power, didn't hesitate, and immediately transformed himself into a mouse.

The cat, not giving him the opportunity to transform himself back, pounced on the mouse and ate him!

He went to find the servants in the castle and ordered them to prepare a great feast for the arrival of their new master.

Soon the king's carriage arrived. Opening the door, the cat said:

"As a way of thanks, my master the Marquis of Carabas invites you to dine with him."

The king climbed down from the carriage, followed by his daughter and the "Marquis de Carabas", and was led to the castle by the cat.

During the course of the sumptuous diner, the king addressed the  Marquis.

"Sir, I see that my daughter has taken quite a shine to you. You don't displease me, either. Would you do me the honour of becoming my son-in-law?"

The "Marquis" was delighted at this offer, having eyes only for the princess. He accepted the honour with joy and married her the very next day.

As for the cat, he was made a lord. He still chases mice, if only for the simple pleasure it brings him.

Of Course I Love You

How can you doubt that I love you?
Didn't I marry you, eh?
And though I don't say it too often,
I show it in all sorts of ways.

I'd take you out dining and dancing...
Can you find me a mountain to climb?
An ocean to cross? A boulder to toss?
I'd do them if I had the time.

I'd give you the shirt off me back, love,
I'd give you me last pair of socks;
And last time we went into town, love,
Didn't I buy you a frock?

I let you go home nice and early,
So you have the time to cook tea;
Remember that sometimes on Sundays
I give you the afternoon free.

I tell you when you're being bitchy,
I notice when you're getting fat;
I give you free rein in my tool shed,
I let you wear my fav'rite hat.

So next time you're thinkin' of leaving,
Remember that I think yer great;
And though there are times when yer grumpy...
Fair dinkum, yer still me best mate.

Who else would I trust with the cheque book?
And who else knows just what I like?
And when there are paddocks to muster
Who else but you borrows my bike?

I'll eat humble pie if I have to,
I'll say that I've been a right jerk,
I'll tell you I love you; I've done it: okay?
Now bloody-well come back to work.

Copyright; Janine Haig

Ringo Blues

He's bought himself a set of drums -
Seems that's the latest fad
For them with teenage craniums
Just to annoy their Dad.
So now it's straight into his room
When he gets home from school:
A raucous thunderous sonic boom -
Could make die dead rise from die tomb
...And those alive to fear their doom -
A racket dial is cruel;
An audio nightmare of gloom
As decibels and senses zoom,
My ears and I can now assume...
That Ringo's on his stool.

As drums resound and cymbals crash,
The airwaves saturate;
Bush poetry's a culture clash -
He says I'm out of date.
His hair is fifteen shades of blue...
He only wears what's cool...
He bangs away the evening through...
He says I wouldn't have a clue...
But oh!! that noise!! I'm tellin' you...
When Ringo's on his stool!!

With peace and quiet vanished now
From in our neighborhood,
I get no more milk from the cow,
The dog's left home for good,
The chooks have all stopped layin' eggs,
The goldfish left his pool,
The cat has even found his legs,
My home-made beer has turned to dregs.
Is that a tune ? - the question begs...
When Ringo's on his stool.

The ducks from on the billabong
Have all flown south for Spring;
No more we hear the magpie's song -
He's lost his urge to sing.
T.V.'s a relic of the past -
Those drums win every duel;
Not even ghetto-blasters blast
As loud or even half as fast...
While ear-drums flutter at half mast...
When Ringo's on his stool.

The Flick man has no need to call -
Our cockroaches have gone;
The termites that live in the wall -
They too are moving on.
It could well drive a man to drink...
But who am I to fool ?
I have already crossed that brink -
I cannot hear myself to think -
And oh...this week, his hair is pink...
That's Ringo on his stool.

So I thought I would be the bird
And grow myself some wings,
Until today...! got the word
That somehow changes things.
The music shop is on the phone:
This afternoon it comes -
An instrument that's all my own -
He need no longer play alone -
We'll form a band that's all home-grown
I'm flexing up my gums;
Though I'm tone-deaf as any stone,
I'll join the raucous monotone -
Me playing my new saxophone...
While Ringo...plays his drums.

Copyright; Graham Fredriksen
From his book 'Paradise Revisited'

Be Nice and Smile

Be nice and smile to everyone you meet.
You don't know what they are going through,

And they might just need that smile.

At least for a moment, it would make a lot of difference to them.

Life gives us many such moments to make others feel better.
For tomorrow when you feel low,

Someone might smile and you may feel better. 

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Try everything twice. On Madam's tombstone (of Whelan's and Madam) she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both times!"


2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches.)

3. Keep learning: Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with him/her.

6. The tears happen: Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. LIVE while you are alive.


7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

11. Forgive now those who made you cry. You might not get a second chance.

12. Lost time can never be found.

Progress

Progress is made in steps. Be willing to take enough steps,

and you can get wherever you want.
Imagine walking to a destination that is one mile away.

The first step doesn't seem to take you very far,

though if you keep going you'll be there in half an hour.

When working toward a goal, the intermediate steps may seem tedious

 and unfulfilling. Yet in reality, they are the very essence of fulfillment.
That fulfillment will be realized when the steps are all taken.

 Keep going, and the achievement will be yours.

Whether the goal is modest or highly ambitious, taking sure and

 steady steps will get you there. When you're willing to take

 the necessary steps, there is no limit to where you can go.
Though the goal may seem distant, the pathway is not.

 The first step is right in front of you now. 

 

~Ralph Marston~

No day is Wasted

Living with purpose and clear focus helps you to understand
The value of being meaningfully focused. And aimlessly
Wandering with no clear focus can also help you to
Appreciate the power of a positive purpose.
 
Either way, life leads you surely, steadily toward your
Purpose. Whether you experience the pain of losing touch
With that purpose, or the joy of living in harmony with it,
You grow in understanding and appreciation.
 
No day, no experience, no encounter is really wasted.
Through the ups and downs, in the good times and in times of
Despair, you feel more intensely the longing to express who
You truly are.
 
The beauty of this day is not in its particulars. The beauty
Is that you can take it all in, whatever and however it may
Be, and add it to the substance of your being.
 
Whatever comes along, be thankful for the opportunity to
Pass through it. Whatever is, go with it and grow with it.
 
Your purpose cannot help but become stronger, as each moment
Passes. Feel that strength, and live it more fully, more
Authentically, day after day.

 

~Ralph Marston~

Never Give Up

One day a young lady was driving along with her father.
They came upon a storm, and the young lady asked her father, What should I do?"
He said "keep driving".  Cars began to pull over to the side, the storm was
Getting worse.

"What should I do." The young lady asked?

"Keep driving," her father replied.

On up a few feet, she noticed that eighteen wheelers were also pulling over.
She told her dad, "I must pull over, I can barely see ahead.  It is
Terrible, and everyone is pulling over!"

Her father told her, "Don't give up, just keep driving!"


Now the storm was terrible, but she never stopped driving, and soon she
Could see a little more clearly. After a couple of miles she was again on
Dry land, and the sun came out.


Her father said, "Now you can pull over and get out."

She said "But why now?"

He said "When you get out, look back at all the people that gave up and are
Still in the storm, because you never gave up your storm is  now over.


This is a testimony for anyone who is going through "hard times".


Just because everyone else, even the strongest, gives up. You don't have
To...if you keep going, soon your storm will be over and the sun will shine
Upon your face again.


This story touched me! I hope it touched you, too !!!

Mother

When you're a child she walks before you,
To set an example.
When you're a teenager she walks behind you
To be there should you need her.
When you're an adult she walks beside you
So that as two friends you can enjoy life together.. 

For those of us, whose Mom is no longer with us, a lovely poem

Your Mother Is Always With You...
Your mother is always with you...
She's the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.
She's the cool hand on your brow
when you're not well.
Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She's crystallized in every tear drop.
She's the place you came from,
your first home...
She's the map you follow
with every step that you take.
She's your first love
and your first heart break...
and nothing on earth can separate you.
Not time, Not space...
Not even death...
will ever separate you
from your mother...
You carry her inside of you...

Ain,t Nothing' You Can Do

There "ain't nothin' you can do" about quite a few situations!

 Andit's true with people, too. There ain't nothin' you can do

about the Way they are, so it is fruitless to try to change them

 into something Else.

You are wise to learn to accept them without conditions,
Understand them the best you can and love them anyway.

 For they Probably won't change much and there just ain't nothin'

you can do About it.
 
Sam Keen Christine said, "We come to love, not by finding a perfect
Person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly." It's
All about acceptance.  ~Steve Goodier~

Nothing Wrong

There is nothing wrong. There is simply what is, and what you
Choose to make of it.

If you spend all your energy on judgment, there's no energy
Left for progress. And judgment doesn't pay the bills.

You have the opportunity to create something beautiful. It
Starts with accepting and valuing what already is.

Life's energy comes to you, and you can do with it whatever
You please. Very little of what comes your way is under your
Control before it gets to you, but every bit of what you do
With it is yours to decide.

Instead of fighting battles that are already over, simply
Accept that things are as they are. Then look closely with a
Positive purpose, and you'll find plenty of opportunities
For creating meaningful value.

Life is bringing you amazing possibilities right now. Let
Them come, let them be, and find joy in making the very best
Of them.
 Ralph Marston

To move ahead you need to believe in yourself...

Good parents give their children Roots and Wings.
Roots to know where home is,wings to fly away
And exercise what's been taught them.
 ~Jonas Salk~

My mother is my root, my foundation. She planted

 the seed that I base my life on, And that is the belief

that the ability to achieve starts in your mind.

- Michael Jordan

 

Failure is nature's plan to prepare you for great responsibilities.
~Napoleon Hill~

A bend in the road is not the end of the road...
Unless you fail to make the turn.
 ~Unknown~

 

Time sets the stage; fate writes the script; but only
We may choose our character. ~Liam Thomas Ryder~

 

The human brain is unique in that it is the only
Container of which it can be said that the more you put
Into it, the more it will hold.
 ~Glenn Doman~

 

We can let circumstances rule us,

 or we can take charge and rule our lives from within.

~Earl Nightingale~

 

Anger is never without a reason, but seldom a good one.
~Benjamin Franklin~

 

 

To move ahead you need to believe in yourself...

have conviction in your beliefs and the confidence

 to execute those beliefs.
 ~Adlin Sinclair~

 

The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross

 and which to burn.
 ~David Russell~

True Happiness

True happiness may be sought,
Caught, or thought,
But never bought.
Happiness is the result of being
Too busy to be unhappy.
 
No one can define happiness.
You have to be unhappy to
Understand it.
Genuine happiness is when a wife
Sees a double chin on her husband's
Old girlfriend.
 
Happiness does not come from
What you have.
But what you are.
Happiness is where you find it
And seldom where you seek it.
 
Happiness is home brewed.
The surest path to happiness
Is in losing yourself in a cause
Greater than yourself.

The place to be happy is here,
The time to be happy is now,
The way to be happy is to
Make others so.

A Little Thing Called Love

Love is a many splendored thing, they say,
And I believe it when you looked my way,
Out of the blue, things seemed to happen
By chance or destiny, is the question.

Living my life so long, without knowing your existence,
Then came a day we felt each others presence,
Guess what's meant to be will always find a way,
Love creeps into hearts and decides to stay.

A love so exquisite, yet so intricate,
In a world of only "you and I"
A love we can't even demonstrate,
A secret we have to keep for life.

I love you, honey, and its from my heart,
I hope you know that you are no beggar from the start,
You make me fly without wings,
You make my heart wants to sing.

Every moment I spent with you,
Is every one of my dreams coming true,
More than words, I want to show you how I feel,
Someday, some place, sometime, I will.

Love is a journey for two,
Step by step, me and you,
The future we can't see,
Let love lead the way for you and me.

The Wise Wman

Sometimes it's not the wealth you have but what's inside you that
Others need....

A wise woman, who was traveling in the mountains, found a precious
Stone in a stream. The next day she met another traveler, who was hungry.

The wise woman opened her bag to share her food. The hungry traveler
Saw the precious stone and asked the woman to give it to him. She did
So without hesitation.

The traveler left, rejoicing in his good fortune. He knew the stone
Was worth enough to give him security for a lifetime.

But, a few days later, he came back to return the stone to the wise
Woman.

"I've been thinking," he said. "I know how valuable this stone
Is, but I give it back in the hope that you can give me something even
More precious. Please give me what you have within you that enabled
You to give me this stone."

Be Someone

Be
someone who listens, and you will be heard.

 

Be someone who cares, and you will be loved.

 

Be someone who gives, and you will be blessed.

 

Be someone who comforts, and you will know peace.

 

Be someone who genuinely seeks to understand, and you will be wise.

 

Be someone kind, someone considerate, and you will be admired.

 

Be someone who values truth, and you will be respected.

 

Be someone who takes action, and you will move life forward.

 

Be someone who lifts others higher, and your life will be rich.

 

Be someone filled with gratitude, and there will be no end to the things for which you'll be thankful.

 

Be someone who lives with joy, with purpose, as your own light brightly shines.

 

Be, in every moment, the special someone you are truly meant to be.

Dying Nun

A 98-year-old Mother Superior from Ireland was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her some warm milk to drink but she refused it. One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen and remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, the nun held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little.... Then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop. "Mother," the nuns asked with earnest, "please give us some wisdom before you die."

She raised herself up in bed and whispered, "Don't sell that cow!"

Seatbelt Law

New Seat Belt Law

This becomes effective March 1, 2010. The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed Seat Belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

When the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below...

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

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This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW... YOU SMILED.

Have a nice day