I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon.

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

Of Course I Love You

How can you doubt that I love you?
Didn't I marry you, eh?
And though I don't say it too often,
I show it in all sorts of ways.

I'd take you out dining and dancing...
Can you find me a mountain to climb?
An ocean to cross? A boulder to toss?
I'd do them if I had the time.

I'd give you the shirt off me back, love,
I'd give you me last pair of socks;
And last time we went into town, love,
Didn't I buy you a frock?

I let you go home nice and early,
So you have the time to cook tea;
Remember that sometimes on Sundays
I give you the afternoon free.

I tell you when you're being bitchy,
I notice when you're getting fat;
I give you free rein in my tool shed,
I let you wear my fav'rite hat.

So next time you're thinkin' of leaving,
Remember that I think yer great;
And though there are times when yer grumpy...
Fair dinkum, yer still me best mate.

Who else would I trust with the cheque book?
And who else knows just what I like?
And when there are paddocks to muster
Who else but you borrows my bike?

I'll eat humble pie if I have to,
I'll say that I've been a right jerk,
I'll tell you I love you; I've done it: okay?
Now bloody-well come back to work.

Copyright; Janine Haig

Ten Commandments Of Marriage

Commandment 1
Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Commandment 2
If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say; talk in your sleep.

Commandment 3
Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least 100 grand!

Commandment 4
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year,the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Commandment 5
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: Either the car is new or the wife is.

Commandment 6
Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Commandment 7
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish.

Commandment 8
Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Commandment 9
Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why wives treat husbands like toxic waste.

Commandment 10
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished

Man + Woman = Donkey

This is the best I have read in a LONG time

Equation 1

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy

Therefore:
Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work

In other words,
A Human that doesn't know how to enjoy = Donkey that works.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Equation 2

Man = eat + sleep + earn money
Donkey = eat + sleep

Therefore:
Man = Donkey + earn money

Therefore:
Man-earn money = Donkey

In other words,
Man who doesn't earn money = Donkey

No day is Wasted

Living with purpose and clear focus helps you to understand
The value of being meaningfully focused. And aimlessly
Wandering with no clear focus can also help you to
Appreciate the power of a positive purpose.
 
Either way, life leads you surely, steadily toward your
Purpose. Whether you experience the pain of losing touch
With that purpose, or the joy of living in harmony with it,
You grow in understanding and appreciation.
 
No day, no experience, no encounter is really wasted.
Through the ups and downs, in the good times and in times of
Despair, you feel more intensely the longing to express who
You truly are.
 
The beauty of this day is not in its particulars. The beauty
Is that you can take it all in, whatever and however it may
Be, and add it to the substance of your being.
 
Whatever comes along, be thankful for the opportunity to
Pass through it. Whatever is, go with it and grow with it.
 
Your purpose cannot help but become stronger, as each moment
Passes. Feel that strength, and live it more fully, more
Authentically, day after day.

 

~Ralph Marston~

Seatbelt Law

New Seat Belt Law

This becomes effective March 1, 2010. The National Highway Safety Council has done extensive Testing on a newly Designed Seat Belt.

Results show that accidents can be reduced by as much as 95%

When the belt is properly installed.

Correct Installation is illustrated below...

Please pass on to family and friends.

THIS MAY HELP SAVE A LIFE!

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This can really save lives and lower blood pressure by 40%

I KNOW... YOU SMILED.

Have a nice day

How A Man Discover And Lady Enjoys...

The man discovered COLOURS and invented PAINT,
The woman discovered PAINT and invented MAKEUP.

The man discovered the WORD and invented CONVERSATION,
The woman discovered CONVERSATION and invented GOSSIP.

The man discovered AGRICULTURE and invented FOOD,
The woman discovered FOOD and invented DIET.

The man discovered FRIENDSHIP and invented LOVE,
The woman discovered LOVE and invented LOVE TRIANGLES.

The man discovered TRADING and invented MONEY,
The woman discovered MONEY and invented SHOPPING.

Thereafter man has discovered and invented a lot of things...
While the women STUCK to shopping.... ...

Thoughts of A Female

OFT REPEATED FORWARD BUT WORTH ANOTHER REPEAT...ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE A (WO)MAN....

 

 

The diagram demonstrates the THOUGHTS in a female and male brain during the simple question: "Shall we go for a party?"

Love and Marriage Explained Beautifully

A student asks a teacher, "What is love?"The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the wheat field and choose the biggest wheat and come back.

But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back o pick."

The student went to the field, go thru first row, he saw one big wheat, but he wonders....may be there is a bigger one later.

Then he saw another bigger one... But may be there is an even bigger one waiting for him.

Later, when he finished more than half of the wheat field, he start to realize that the wheat is not as big as the previous one he saw, he know he has missed the biggest one, and he regretted.

So, he ended up went back to the teacher with empty hand.

The teacher told him, "...this is love... You keep looking for a better one, but when later you realize, you have already miss the person...."

*"What is marriage then?" the student asked.

The teacher said, "in order to answer your question, go to the corn field and choose the biggest corn and come back. But the rule is: you can go through them only once and cannot turn back to pick."

The student went to the corn field, this time he is careful not to repeat the previous mistake, when he reach the middle of the field, he has picked one medium corn that he feel satisfy, and come back to the teacher.

The teacher told him, "this time you bring back a corn.... You look for one that is just nice, and you have faith and believe this is the best one you get.... This is marriage."

Words Women Use

Fine

This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

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Five Minutes

If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.

Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

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Nothing

This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

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Go Ahead

This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

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Loud Sigh

Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

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That's Okay

This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

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Thanks

This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

GETTING DIVORCED

Little Johnny was playing in his room when his dad walked in and explained that he and his mom were getting a divorce.

"Why Daddy?" asked a confused Little Johnny.

"Well, son" he explained, "Your mother and I are no longer in love."

Now more confused, Little Johnny asked, "What does being in love mean?"

"Let me give you an example, son. Love is when a husband rushes home from a long day at work to embrace and kiss his wife at the door. Your mom and I have lost that love."

"But Daddy, I see Mommy getting excited lots of times right when you come home, so she must still be in love with you."

"I don't understand, son. When has your mother recently been excited when I arrive home from work?"

"Well, sometimes when Mommy is still sleeping in bed with the neighbor, and you pull into the driveway, she shouts at the top of her lungs, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!"

Woman over 40

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney  thinks about women over 40:

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all.

Here are just a few reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, 'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

 
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it.  She does something she wants to do,  and it's usually more interesting.

 
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it.

 
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.

 
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.

 
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.

 
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.

For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

Forward to five fine, fun, fabulous, fancy-free female friends over 40 or who have female friends over 40!

Fight with wifes begins

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... ..so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started.

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.

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 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

I have upgreded girlfriend to wife

What if u upgraded Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0  : )
 


Dear Tech Support Team: 


Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0.


I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.


In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other   programs and now monitors all other system activities.


Applications such as BachelorNights 10.3, Cricket 5.0, BeerWithBuddies 7.5, and Outings 3.6 no longer runs, crashing the system whenever selected. I can't      seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.


I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 5.0 , but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on Wife 1.0.


 Please help!


 Thanks,
"A Troubled User"



REPLY:



Dear Troubled User:


This is a very common problem that people complain about.


Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that   it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.


Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to   run EVERYTHING!! !


It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to   Girlfriend 5.0.


It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the   system once installed.


You cannot go back to Girlfriend 5.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed   not to allow this. (Look in your Wife 1.0 Manual under Warnings-Alimony- Child Support) .


I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the   environment.


I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to   alleviate software augmentation.


The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE   because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the  system will return to normal anyway.


Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean 2.5, Sweep 3.0, Cook 1.5     and DoLaundry 4.2. However, be very careful how   you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NagNag 9.5 .


Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Sarees 2.1 and Jewellery 5.0


STATUTORY WARNING : DO NOT, under any circumstances, install SecretaryWithShortS kirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0   and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.


Best of luck,
Tech Support ...