Troubled Husband

Over the past six months, your husband, Mr. Bill Fenton has been causing quite a commotion in our store.


We cannot tolerate this type of behavior and have considered banning the entire family from shopping in any of our stores.


We have documented all incidents on our video surveillance equipment.


Three of our clerks are attending counseling from the trouble your husband has caused.


All complaints against Mr. Fenton have been compiled and are listed below.


Mr. Wally
President and CEO

Wal-Mart Complaint Department


------------ --------- --------- ----


MEMO


Mr. Bill Fenton


Complaints - 15 Things Mr. Bill Fenton has done while his spouse/partner is shopping:




1. June 15:

Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.




2. July 2:

Set all the alarm clocks in Homewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


*********

3. July 7:

Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.


*********

4. July 19:

Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in homewares... .. and watched what happened.


*********

5. August 4:

Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay away.


*********

6. September 14:

Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.




7. September 15:

Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows fromthe bedding department.



8. September 23:

When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks Why can't you people just leave me alone?'




9. October 4:

Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.



10. November 10:

While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.




11. December 3:

Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.




12. December 6:

In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.



13. December 18:

Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"



14. December 21:

When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumes the fetal position and screams

"NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"





(And; last, but not least!)


15. December 23:

Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

SIMPLE SOLUTIONS For ANNOYING PROBLEMS

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic! Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. You can avoid arguments with the wife about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.

5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be too afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

In life, you only need two tools - WD-40 and Duct Tape.
If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40.
If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.

Women are always Clever

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you...to leave."

Man: "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman: "Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?"

Unconditional love

Some time ago, a friend of mine punished his 4 year old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the small child tried to decorate a box to put under the tree. Nevertheless the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said "This is for you Daddy."
 
He was embarrassed by his earlier over reaction... He opened the box and his anger flared again when he found the box was empty.

Then he yelled at her:
DON'T YOU KNOW when you give someone a present there's supposed to be something inside of it???
 
The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said,
 
Oh Daddy it's not empty, I blew kisses into the box, all for you Daddy.
 
The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little girl, and he begged her for forgiveness. My friend told me that he kept that gold box near his bed for years.

Whenever he was discouraged he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. In a very real sense each of us has been given a gold container filled with unconditional love and kisses.
 
There is no more precious possession anyone could hold.

THE POWER OF GIVING

The Power of Giving
By John Harricharan

It was a really hot summer’s day many years ago. I was on my way to pick up two items at the grocery store. In those days, I was a frequent visitor to the supermarket because there never seemed to be enough money for a whole week’s food-shopping at once.


You see, my young wife, after a tragic battle with cancer, had died just a few months earlier. There was no insurance -- just many expenses and a mountain of bills. I held a part-time job, which barely generated enough money to feed my two young children.

Things were bad -- really bad.


And so it was that day, with a heavy heart and four dollars in my pocket, I was on my way to the supermarket to purchase a gallon of milk and a loaf of bread. The children were hungry and I had to get them something to eat. As I came to a red traffic light, I noticed on my right a young man, a young woman and a child on the grass next to the road. The blistering noonday sun beat down on them without mercy.


The man held up a cardboard sign which read, "Will Work for Food." The woman stood next to him. She just stared at the cars stopped at the red light. The child, probably about two years old, sat on the grass holding a one-armed doll. I noticed all this in the thirty seconds it took for the traffic light to change to green.


I wanted so desperately to give them a few dollars, but if I did that, there wouldn’t be enough left to buy the milk and bread. Four dollars will only go so far. As the light changed, I took one last glance at the three of them and sped off feeling both guilty (for not helping them) and sad (because I didn’t have enough money to share with them).


As 20I kept driving, I couldn’t get the picture of the three of them out of my mind. The sad, haunting eyes of the young man and his family stayed with me for about a mile. I could take it no longer. I felt their pain and had to do something about it. I turned around and drove back to where I had last seen them.


I pulled up close to them and handed the man two of my four dollars. There were tears in his eyes as he thanked me. I smiled and drove on to the supermarket. Perhaps both milk and bread would be on sale, I thought. And what if I only got milk alone, or just the bread? Well, it would have to do.


I pulled into the parking lot, still thinking about the whole incident,=2 0yet feeling good about what I had done. As I stepped out of the car, my foot slid on something on the pavement. There by my feet was a twenty-dollar bill. I just couldn’t believe it. I looked all around, picked it up with awe, went into the store and purchased not only bread and milk, but several other items I desperately needed.


I never forgot that incident. It reminded me that the universe was strange and mysterious. It confirmed my belief that you could never out give the universe. I gave away two dollars and got twenty in return. On my way back from the supermarket, I drove by the hungry family and shared five additional dollars with them.


This incident is only one of many that have 20occurred in my life. It seems that the more we give, the more we get. It is, perhaps, one of those universal laws that say, "If you want to receive, you must first give."


There is a little rhyme that goes like this:


"A man there was, and they called him mad,

The more he gave, the more he had."


Most times, we think that we don’t have anything to give. Yet, if we look more closely, we ’ll see that even the little we have could be shared with others. Let us not wait for a time when we think we’ll have lots and then we’ll give. By giving and sharing the little we have, we open up the storehouse of the universe and permit rivers of good to come our way.


Don’t take my word for it. Just honestly try to give and you’ll be surprised at the results. Generally, the returns do not come back from those we give to. It comes back from sources we could hardly imagine. So give your way to riches.


Take a chance on this universal principle. Take a chance on yourself. Universal principles always work.


Sometimes the return from giving happens very quickly as in the true story above. Other times, it takes much longer. But be assured of this: Give and you will receive -- and you’ll receive lots more than you ever gave.


And when you give, don’t do it with a heart of fear, but with a heart full of gratitude. You will be a mazed at how it all works out.


Open the gates of affluence in your life by giving a bit of what you have to those in need. As the great Teacher said, .Give and it will be given unto you..


Try it. You’ll like it.

The KGB assassin

The KGB had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the KGB agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.”
The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.

Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”

Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.

She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

Fight with wifes begins

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... ..so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.

---------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started.

---------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.

---------------------------------

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.

---------------------------------

 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started.

Ya Gotta Meet Molly (A True Story, that the photographs are in. Pam Kaster)

 

Meet Molly. She's a grey speckled pony who was abandoned by her owners when Hurricane Katrina hit southern  Louisiana .  She spent weeks on her own before finally being rescued and taken to a farm where abandoned animals were stockpiled. While there, she was attacked by a pit bull terrier and almost died. Her gnawed right front leg became infected, and her vet went to LSU for help, but LSU was overwhelmed, and this pony was a welfare case. You know how that goes.

But after surgeon Rustin Moore met Molly, he changed his mind. He saw how the pony was careful to lie down on different sides so she didn't seem to get sores, and how she allowed people to handle her. She protected her injured leg. She constantly shifted her weight and didn't overload her good leg. She was a smart pony with a serious survival ethic.

Moore agreed to remove her leg below the knee, and a temporary artificial limb was built. Molly walked out of the clinic and her story really begins there.

'This was the right horse and the right owner,'   Moore insists. Molly happened to be a one-in-a-million patient. She's tough as nails, but sweet, and she was willing to cope with pain. She made it obvious she understood that she was in trouble.The other important factor, according to Moore, is having a truly committed and compliant owner who is dedicated to providing the daily care required over the lifetime of the horse.

Molly's story turns into a parable for life in post-Katrina Louisiana .The little pony gained weight, and her mane finally felt a comb. A hu man prosthesis designer built her a leg.

The prosthetic has given Molly a whole new life, Allison Barca DVM, Molly's regular vet reports.

And she asks for it. She will put her little limb out, and come to you and let you know that she wants you to put it on. Sometimes she wants you to take it off too. And sometimes, Molly gets away from Barca. It can be pretty bad when you can't catch a three-legged horse, she laughs.

Most important of all, Molly has a job now. Kay, the rescue farm owner, started taking Molly to shelters, hospitals, nursing homes, and rehabilitation centers. Anywhere she thought that people needed hope. Wherever Molly went, she showed people her pluck. She inspired people, and she had a good time doing it.

It's obvious to me that Molly had a bigger role to play in life.  Moore said she survived the hurricane, she survived a horrible injury, and now she is giving hope to others.

Barca concluded, 'She's not back to normal, but she's going to be better. To me, she could be a symbol for New Orleans itself.'

 

This is Molly's most recent prosthesis. The bottom photo shows the ground surface that she stands on, which has a smiley face embossed in it. Wherever Molly goes, she leaves a smiley hoof print behind.

Quot on Life

Don't take life seriously.

 

Life is not meant to be taken seriously, as we are really temporary here.

 

We are like a pre-paid card with limited validity.

 

If we are lucky, we may last another 50 years.

 

And 50 years is just 2,500 weekends.

 

Do we really need to get so worked up?..

 

"Don't be serious, be sincere"!!

100 years ago

THE YEAR 1906??

This will boggle your mind, I know it did mine!
The year is 1906.
One hundred years ago.
What a difference a century makes!
Here are some  statistics for the Year  1906 :


The average life expectancy  was 47 years.


Only 14 percent of the homes had a bathtub.

Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.




There were only 8,000 cars  and only 144 miles Of paved roads.




The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.




The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower !




The average wage  was 22 cents per hour.



The average  worker made between $200 and $400 per year .



A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, A dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.




More than 95 percent of all births  took place at HOME .



Ninety percent of all  doctors had NO COLLEGE EDUCATION!


Instead, they attended so-called medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press AND the government as "substandard."




Sugar cost four cents a pound.




Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.




Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.




Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used Borax or egg yolks for shampoo.




Canada passed a law that prohibited poor people from Entering into their country for any reason.




Five leading causes of death  were:

1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke




The American flag had 45 stars.




The population ofLas Vegas, Nevada was only 30!!!!



Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and ice tea hadn't been invented yet.




There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.




Two out of every 10 adults couldn't read or write.



Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated from high school.




Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at the local corner drugstores. Back then pharmacists said, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect  guardian of health." ( Shocking? DUH! )




Eighteen percent of households had at least one full-time servant or domestic help.




There were about 230 reported murders in the ENTIRE ! U.S.A. !




Now I forwarded this from someone else without typing

It myself, and sent it to you and others all over the United States ,& Canada 

Possibly the world, in a matter of seconds!


------------------------------------

Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years.


IT STAGGERS THE MIND, EH . ?

Do you know ....

This is awesome - I bet you didn't know this...

Letters 'a', 'b', 'c' & 'd'  do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 99


(Letter 'd' comes for the first time in Hundred)

Letters 'a', 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999


(Letter 'a' comes for the first time in Thousand)

Letters 'b' & 'c' do not appear anywhere in the spellings of 1 to 999,999,999


(Letter 'b' comes for the first time in Billion)

And

Letter 'c' does not appear anywhere in in the spellings of entire English Counting