A lady goes on vacation alone to the Caribbean wishing her husband had been able to join her.
Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate lovemaking she asks him, "What is your name?"
"I can't tell you!" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he cannot tell her. On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I can't because you will make fun of me!" the black man says.
"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.
"Fine, my name is Snow" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, and the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it."
The lady replied, "It's my husband that won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in the Caribbean!"
Sunday, August 23, 2009
English Language
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
English Language
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
In what other language do people drive in a parkway and park in a driveway?
Why does night fall but never break and day break but never fall?
Why is it that when we transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when we transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why are people who ride motorcycles called bikers and people who ride bikes called cyclists?
In what other language do thay call the third hand on the clock the second hand?
Why is it called a TV set when you get only one?
Why - in our crazy language - can your nose run and your feet smell?
Sometimes you have to believe that all English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane:
If olive oil is made of olives, what do they make baby oil from?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian consume?
A writer is someone who writes, and a stinger is something that stings.
But fingers don't fing and grocers don't groce.
If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn't the plural of booth be beeth?
If the teacher taught, why isn't it also true that the preacher praught?
If harmless actions are the opposite of harmful actions, why are shameless and shameful behavior the same?
English is a language in which you can turn a light on and you can turn a light off and you can turn a light out, but you can't turn a light in;
In which the sun comes up and goes down, but prices go up and come down.
In which your nose can simultaneously burn up and burn down and your car can slow up and slow down, in which you can fill in a form by filling out a form and in which your alarm clock goes off by going on.
English is a crazy language. What is it that when the sun or the moon or the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible?; and why when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I shall end it?
JUST A MUM? (Mother)
A woman, renewing her driver's license at the County
Clerk's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She
hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean
is, ' explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just
a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a
Mum.'
'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers
it,'
Said the recorder
emphatically.
I forgot all about
her story until one day I found myself
in the same situation, this time
at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman,
poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your
occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not
know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a
Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human
Relations.'
The
clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she
had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing
the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement
was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do
in your field?'
Coolly, without any
trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing
program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the
field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm
working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and
already have four credits (all daughters)..
Of course, the job is one
of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it)..
But
the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the
rewards aremore of a satisfaction
rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the
clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me
to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby)
in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a
beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone
more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another
Mum.'
Motherhood!
What a
glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this makegrandmothers
'Senior
Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
Andgreat grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I
also think it makesAunts'
Clerk's office,
was asked by the woman recorder to state her occupation.
She
hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.
'What I mean
is, ' explained the recorder,
'do you have a job or are you just
a ...?'
'Of course I have a job,' snapped the woman.
'I'm a
Mum.'
'We don't list 'Mum' as an occupation,
'housewife' covers
it,'
Said the recorder
emphatically.
I forgot all about
her story until one day I found myself
in the same situation, this time
at our own Town Hall.
The Clerk was obviously a career woman,
poised,
efficient, and possessed of a high sounding title like,
'Official Interrogator' or 'Town Registrar.'
'What is your
occupation?' she probed.
What made me say it? I do not
know.
The words simply popped out.
'I'm a
Research Associate in the field of
Child Development and Human
Relations.'
The
clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in m midair and
looked up as though she
had not heard right.
I repeated the title slowly emphasizing
the most significant words.
Then I stared with wonder as my pronouncement
was written,
in bold, black ink on the official questionnaire.
'Might I ask,' said the clerk with new interest,
'just what you do
in your field?'
Coolly, without any
trace of fluster in my voice,
I heard myself reply,
'I have a continuing
program of research,
(what mother doesn't)
In the laboratory and in the
field,
(normally I would have said indoors and out).
I'm
working for my Masters, (first the Lord and then the whole family)
and
already have four credits (all daughters)..
Of course, the job is one
of the most demanding in the humanities,
(any mother care to disagree?)
and I often work 14 hours a day, (24 is more like it)..
But
the job is more challenging than most run-of-the-mill careers
and the
rewards aremore of a satisfaction
rather than just money.'
There was an increasing note of respect in the
clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me
to the door.
As I drove into our driveway, buoyed up by my glamorous new
career,
I was greeted by my lab assistants -- ages 13, 7, and 3.
Upstairs I could hear our new experimental model,
(a 6 month old baby)
in the child development program,
testing out a new vocal pattern.
I felt I had scored a
beat on bureaucracy!
And I had gone on the official records as someone
more
distinguished and indispensable to mankind than 'just another
Mum.'
Motherhood!
What a
glorious career!
Especially when there's a title on the door.
Does this makegrandmothers
'Senior
Research associates in the field of Child Development and Human Relations'
Andgreat grandmothers
'Executive Senior Research Associates?'
I think so!!!
I
also think it makesAunts'
Management & Engineers
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!
She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.
"How did you know?"
"Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."
The man below responded, "You must be in management."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
BOTTOM LINE: just imagine the management guys who are basically engineers... no wonder!!!!!
Internet friendship proposals
Different kinds of Internet friendship proposals
Will u be my frinedship with me? Plz?????? (ya sure)
I'm all alone and in need of frinedship and friends. (ill gladly be ur friend if only you wud improve ur English)
Helelo I want friesship with u. (that reminds me of kkkkkiran)
I want to be closed friend with u. (when were we open?)
I want 2 b frands with you. (yup frands)
I want to be close friendship with u. (then be. Cuz I'm closed for you)
Please reply me to me weather we r frinds or not? (then you reply to urself dear me to me)
Behtarin.... love..... . Can v b plas? (r we gonna fix a car? Or screw some nuts?)
Itne mast mails kahaan se laati ho love? Can there be friends between us?and if frinedship is accepted. Then.....
Okkkk thunks. Thunk u so muck that u become my friend!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ............ .....do u have an a a/c in orkat??????? ??
If u have plz sand me u r link.
(notice the space between u and r. It completely changes the meaning of the sentence. The sentence now becomes "if u have plz sand me you are link")
Will u be my frinedship with me? Plz?????? (ya sure)
I'm all alone and in need of frinedship and friends. (ill gladly be ur friend if only you wud improve ur English)
Helelo I want friesship with u. (that reminds me of kkkkkiran)
I want to be closed friend with u. (when were we open?)
I want 2 b frands with you. (yup frands)
I want to be close friendship with u. (then be. Cuz I'm closed for you)
Please reply me to me weather we r frinds or not? (then you reply to urself dear me to me)
Behtarin.... love..... . Can v b plas? (r we gonna fix a car? Or screw some nuts?)
Itne mast mails kahaan se laati ho love? Can there be friends between us?and if frinedship is accepted. Then.....
Okkkk thunks. Thunk u so muck that u become my friend!!!!!! !!!!!!!! ............ .....do u have an a a/c in orkat??????? ??
If u have plz sand me u r link.
(notice the space between u and r. It completely changes the meaning of the sentence. The sentence now becomes "if u have plz sand me you are link")
SUCCESS OF MARRIAGE
Once upon a time a married couple celebrated their 25th marriage anniversary.
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.
This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after."
They had become famous in the city for not having a single conflict in their period of 25 years.
Local newspaper editors had gathered at the occasion to find out the secret of their well known "happy going marriage".
Editor: "Sir. It's amazingly unbelievable. How did you make this possible?"
Husband recalling his old honeymoon days said:
"We had been to Shimla for honeymoon after marriage.
Having selected the horse riding finally, we both started the ride on different horses.
My horse was pretty okay but the horse on which my wife was riding seemed to be a crazy one.
On the way ahead, that horse jumped suddenly, making my wife topple over.
Recovering her position from the ground, she patted the horse's back and said "This is your first time".
She again climbed the horse and continued with the ride. After a while, it happened again.
This time she again kept calm and said "This is your second time" and continued.
When the horse dropped her third time, she silently took out the revolver from the purse and shot the horse dead !!
I shouted at my wife: "What did you do you psycho. You killed the poor animal. Are you crazy?" ..
She gave a silent look and said: "This is your first time!!!"."
Husband:"That's it. We are happy ever after."
Interesting chat
Our FRIEND WAS chatting with a female - Online chat.
(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)
Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out
Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.
ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!!
AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!
(Background both are s/w engineers by the way and both work for real big MNC's)
Hero : Hey...GM (Good Morning)... How's u doing today?
Female: VGM...Day is going good and it got better having found u on chat
Hero : wow...am honoured, u know what, my day starts only when I find you on Chat
Female: Yep...me too feel the same...Brb (be right back)'ll get some Coffee.
Hero : OK
(Hero waits impatiently. Meanwhile, his manager comes to his desk ).
Manager : Hey, I need some help from you
Hero : [**** This guy always comes at wrong time] Yeah tell me.
Manager : Could u write a program for me which generates nth prime number, Given value of n. Would you give this by today evening?
Hero : I would do that, but I think it's quite hard, is it ok with you, if I Give it by tomorrow evening.
Manager: Yeah, that would be fine. Thank you [Leaves the place]
(Our hero sighs and stares at his monitor waiting impatiently for Female to Arrive. All of a sudden smiles on his face. Over to chat window...)
Female: Hey, am back
Hero : cool, you know what my manager does, he's kinda..... keeps asking stupid tings, tries to give me stupid work.... $*#&$@
Female: Yeah, it's the same everywhere. Real sick ppl these managers are!!
Hero : Yep, u rite!!
Female: Hey, can u do me a favor
Hero : *smiles* sure, why not.
Female: Hey, I want you to write me a program to print nth prime Number, given N. Would you give that to me by tomorrow evening? Plzzz. You know it's real Urgent for me to work this out
Hero : hey, that's a one-hour's work. Sure check Ur mail in an hour from now.
ok?
Female: THIS IS WHAT I ASKED U WHEN I CAME TO YOUR WORK PLACE. NOW YOU KNOW WHO I AM ...!!
AND ONE MORE POINT.... YOUR 1 HOUR TIME STARTS NOW !!
Showing off ( +18 JOKE )
A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.
She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!
She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.
Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.
'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'
Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'
The proprietor looked at the shoe and fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!
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