A Blue Valentine

For Aline

Monsignore,
Right Reverend Bishop Valentinus,
Sometime of Interamna, which is called Ferni,
Now of the delightful Court of Heaven,
I respectfully salute you,
I genuflect
And I kiss your episcopal ring.

It is not, Monsignore,
The fragrant memory of your holy life,
Nor that of your shining and joyous martyrdom,
Which causes me now to address you.
But since this is your august festival, Monsignore,
It seems appropriate to me to state
According to a venerable and agreeable custom,
That I love a beautiful lady.
Her eyes, Monsignore,
Are so blue that they put lovely little blue reflections
On everything that she looks at,
Such as a wall
Or the moon
Or my heart.
It is like the light coming through blue stained glass,
Yet not quite like it,
For the blueness is not transparent,
Only translucent.
Her soul's light shines through,
But her soul cannot be seen.
It is something elusive, whimsical, tender, wanton, infantile, wise
And noble.
She wears, Monsignore, a blue garment,
Made in the manner of the Japanese.
It is very blue-
I think that her eyes have made it more blue,
Sweetly staining it
As the pressure of her body has graciously given it form.
Loving her, Monsignore,
I love all her attributes;
But I believe
That even if I did not love her
I would love the blueness of her eyes,
And her blue garment, made in the manner of the Japanese.

Monsignore,
I have never before troubled you with a request.
The saints whose ears I chiefly worry with my pleas
are the most exquisite and maternal Brigid,
Gallant Saint Stephen, who puts fire in my blood,
And your brother bishop, my patron,
The generous and jovial Saint Nicholas of Bari.
But, of your courtesy, Monsignore,
Do me this favour:
When you this morning make your way
To the Ivory Throne that bursts into bloom with roses
because of her who sits upon it,
When you come to pay your devoir to Our Lady,
I beg you, say to her:
"Madame, a poor poet, one of your singing servants yet on earth,
Has asked me to say that at this moment he is especially grateful to you
For wearing a blue gown".

by Joyce Kilmer

Before you fly

The fear of flights is a common syndrome. Frequent fliers may not be paying too much heed to pre-flight announcements and safety demonstrations but heaven knows how many of us our petrified when the smiling flight attendant politely points out how are chances of survival may be increased. And if you have recently read Arthur Hailey's 'Airport' or seen the movie, then it would be better to travel on tracks or on the road. Though the trend has not caught on in India, in many other places in-flight safety lectures and announcements are sometimes flavoured a little with humour and some amount of well meaning teasing. This often helps to lighten up the situation a bit. Here are a few classic examples of flight-wit; it is for you to decide how effective these are. § On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.” § “On landing, the stewardess said, “Please be sure to take all of you belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.” § “There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.” § “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.” § “After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced, “Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as heck everything has shifted.” § From a Southwest Airlines employee: “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised.” § “In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite.” § Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.” § “Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and, in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.” § “As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.”

Contributed by Batchmates member

I Know This Laywer

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. 

He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs.

You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Cup Holder

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

Facts About Old Men and Women

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon.

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.'

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Too Many Fires

A new firefighter was being trained by an old fire chief.

"How would you react if a sudden fire flared up on the front of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out a fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"How would you react if another fire flared up in the back of the building?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose and start spraying it, chief." answered the new firefighter.

"And if another huge fire flared up in the basement, how would you react?" asked the fire chief.

"Break out another fire hose." answered the new firefighter.

"Now wait a minute, son," said the fire chief. "Where are all these fire hoses coming from?"

The new firefighter answered, "The same place where all of the fires are coming from, chief."

Just follow the Tracks

3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.

Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.

1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk".

5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.

Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit my train".

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

Nasty Bug

Every night, Harold would go down to the liquor store, get a six pack, bring it home, and drink it while he watched TV. One night, as he finished his last beer, the doorbell rang. He stumbled to the door and found a six-foot cockroach standing there. The bug grabbed him by the collar and threw him across the room, and left.

The next night, after he finished his 3th beer, the doorbell rang.

He walked slowly to the door and found the same six-foot cockroach standing there. The big bug punched him in the stomach, then left.

The next night, after he finished his 1st beer, the doorbell rang again. The same six-foot cockroach was standing there. This time he was kneed in the groin and hit behind the ear as he doubled over in pain. Then the big bug left.

The fourth night Harold didn't drink at all. The doorbell rang. The cockroach was standing there. The bug beat the snot out of Harold and left him in a heap on the living room floor.

The following day, Harold went to see his doctor. He explained events of the preceding four nights. "

" What can I do? " he pleaded.

" Not much " he doctor replied. " There's just a nasty bug going around."

Puss In Boots

There was once a miller who had three sons. When his end was near, he gathered them close to him and said:

"My sons, it your turn now to take the reins. You, my eldest, child shall have the windmill. You, my next elder, shall have the donkey. An you, my little Benjamin .. will have the cat."

On the death of their father, the three sons got what he had said.

The youngest son was crestfallen at having inherited the cat. He berated himself and said, "What am I going to do with such a ridiculous gift? I suppose I can eat him when I'm starving and sell his skin for a few sous ... After that, I'll probably starve to death!"

The cat, who had heard everything, said to him. "Now, now, Master. No need to cry like that. Get me a big sack and a pair of boots."

Without being astonished that his cat could talk to him, the young lad went and fetched what was asked for.

The cat put on the boots, took up the sack and left for the forest.

He lay the sack down, which he had transformed into a trap, and waited.  He didn't have to wait long before a stunned hare was swallowed up inside it, and the cat had only to pull the strings to trap it.

The cat went along to the king's palace, who lived not far away, and asked to see him.

He was received by the king in person, and after a few reverences, said  to him, "Sire, my master the Marquis de Carabas gives you this hare as a gift. He caught it himself on his own grounds.”

The king accepted the present and asked the cat to thank his master for him.

The next day, the cat caught two partridges that he brought to the king, still on behalf of the Marquis de Carabas. Throughout the next week the cat brought the king the products of his hunting.

At the end of the week the cat found his master and said to him, "Master, today you will bathe in the river."

The young lad, still not astonished at a talking cat, did as he was told.

While he was splashing about in the water, he heard the noise of a horse-drawn carriage and his cat crying out:

"Help, Help! My master the Marquis de Carabas is drowning!"

The king, who was passing by, ordered his men to stop the carriage and go to the river. He asked his people to help the Marquis de Carabas. To cap it all, explained the cat, the brigands had stolen the master's clothes. The king had someone look for a new suit of clothes for the Marquis.

The young lad, once he was finely dressed, was quite a handsome chap. He approached the carriage to thank the king and noticed the princess. He mumbled a few words and the king, who noticed that his daughter had taken quite a shine to the lad, said to him:

"Marquis, won't you join us?"

He couldn't believe his luck, and sat himself in the carriage facing the princess.

Meanwhile the cat had gone on ahead. Seeing a wheat field in which some harvesters where gathering in the crop, he approached and said to them:

"When they ask you who the field belongs to, you will say it belongs to the Marquis de Carabas. If you don't, I'll see to it that you're ground into mince meat."

As soon as the carriage drew up to the field, the king asked the harvesters, "Who owns this soil?"

They replied, in a single voice, "The Marquis de Carabas."

Not far along, the cat came across some reapers sowing a field. He said to them:

"When they ask you who the field belongs to, you will say it belongs to the Marquis de Carabas. If you don't, I'll see to it that you're ground into mince meat."

The king's carriage drew up along side the reapers and asked them, "Whose land is this?"

They replied, in a single voice, "The Marquis de Carabas."

The cat continued his journey up ahead. He arrived at a castle owned by an ogre, the same ogre who owned the fields they'd just passed. He asked to see the ogre, and was granted an audience.

"My lord," said the cat addressing the ogre. "I have learnt that besides all your riches you possess a gift: The gift of turning yourself into any kind animal you choose. But, I can't quite bring myself to believe it. Perhaps, in your great generosity, you'll kindly give me a demonstration of your powers . . ."

The ogre, flattered that someone had taken quite such an interest in him, proposed to turn himself into a lion, a feat which he completed immediately.

When he resumed his original appearance, that cat thanked him profusely, and then said:

"You know how to transform yourself in a ferocious animal. But do you know how to change yourself in a small animal ... a mouse, for example?"

The ogre, proud and vain, and wanting to show off his immense power, didn't hesitate, and immediately transformed himself into a mouse.

The cat, not giving him the opportunity to transform himself back, pounced on the mouse and ate him!

He went to find the servants in the castle and ordered them to prepare a great feast for the arrival of their new master.

Soon the king's carriage arrived. Opening the door, the cat said:

"As a way of thanks, my master the Marquis of Carabas invites you to dine with him."

The king climbed down from the carriage, followed by his daughter and the "Marquis de Carabas", and was led to the castle by the cat.

During the course of the sumptuous diner, the king addressed the  Marquis.

"Sir, I see that my daughter has taken quite a shine to you. You don't displease me, either. Would you do me the honour of becoming my son-in-law?"

The "Marquis" was delighted at this offer, having eyes only for the princess. He accepted the honour with joy and married her the very next day.

As for the cat, he was made a lord. He still chases mice, if only for the simple pleasure it brings him.

Fish Oil - Sure it’s Good for You,

but Makes Your Breathe Smell like Sea Sewage

1. Less Pain and Inflammation.
Omega 3 fatty acids, particularly EPA, have a very positive effect on your inflammatory response. Through several mechanisms, they regulate your body's inflammation cycle, which prevents and relieves painful conditions like arthritis, prostatitis, cystitis and anything else ending in "itis."



2. Cardiovascular Health.
Omega 3 fatty acids have also been proven to work wonders for your heart and the miles and miles of arteries and veins that make up your cardiovascular system. They help to lower cholesterol, tryglicerides, LDLs and blood pressure, while at the same time increasing good HDL cholesterol. This adds years to your life expectancy.



3. Protection from Stroke and Heart Attack.
When plaque builds up on arterial walls and then breaks loose, it causes what's known as a thrombosis, which is a fancy way of saying clot. If a clot gets stuck in the brain, it causes a stroke and when it plugs an artery, it causes a heart attack. Research shows omega 3 fatty acids break up clots before they can cause any damage.



4. Better Brain Function and Higher Intelligence.
Pregnant and nursing mothers can have a great impact on the intelligence and happiness of their babies by supplementing with fish oil. For adults, omega 3 improves memory, recall, reasoning and focus. You'll swear you're getting younger and smarter.



5. Less Depression and Psychosis.
Making you smarter is not all omega 3 does for your brain. Psychiatry department researchers at the University of Sheffield, along with many other research studies, found that omega 3 fish oil supplements "alleviate" the symptoms of depression, bipolar and psychosis (Journal of Affective Disorder Vol. 48(2-3);149- 55).



6. Lower Incidence of Childhood Disorders.
Just to show how fish oil fatty acids leave nobody out, studies show that children (and adults) with ADD and ADHD experience a greatly improved quality of life. And those with dyslexia, dyspraxia and compulsive disorders have gotten a new lease on life thanks to omega 3 oils.

7. Reduction of Breast, Colon and Prostate Cancer. And finally, omega 3 fish oil has been shown to help prevent three of the most common forms of cancer – breast, colon and prostate. Science tells us that omega 3s accomplish this in three ways. They stop the alteration from a normal healthy cell to a cancerous mass, inhibiting unwanted cellular growth and causing apoptosis, or cellular death, of cancer cells.

This Is How Beggars Make Fool Of Us......

Beggars Tricks....

Sorry If Seen Before...



Friends u have seen road side beggars with open wounds and all....All of them are not real for sure....


Look at these pics and decide.....


Material Needed 4 this con-art - red ink, cotton pad,white glue, tooth pick (tiny sticks). cotton wool, if no red ink you can use animal blood

Use white glue to create the wound surrounding

wait for the glue to dry
Use tooth pick to create the wound area




Use a dishwasher pad to spread the extra glue



use cotton pad with red ink (not too much) to strengthen the surrounding scratched area.



Some place with more and some with less ink to make it look more real. Wait to dry



finished.

JOB WELL DONE

IF MEN GOT PREGNANT

Maternity leave would last two years... With full pay.

here would be a cure for stretch marks.



Natural childbirth would become obsolete.



Morning sickness would rank as the nation's #1 health problem.



All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.



Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.



Men would be eager to talk about commitment.



They wouldn't think twins were so cute.



Sons would have to be home from dates by 10:00 PM



Briefcases would be used as diaper bags.



Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.



They'd stay in bed during the entire pregnancy.



Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main entrees.



Women would rule the world!!

Smart Student

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late.

Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A 'smart' student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

"Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

8 lies of a mother

This story begins when I was a child: I was born poor. Often we hadn't enough to eat. Whenever we had some food, Mother often gave me her portion of rice. While she was transferring her rice into my bowl, she would say "Eat this rice, son! I'm not hungry."
This was Mother's First Lie.

As I grew, Mother gave up her spare time to fish in a river near our house; she hoped that from the fish she caught, she could give me a little bit more nutritious food for my growth. Once she had caught just two fish, she would make fish soup. While I was eating the soup, mother would sit beside me and eat what was still left on the bone of the fish I had eaten; My heart was touched when I saw it. Once I gave the other fish to her on my chopstick but she immediately refused it and said, "Eat this fish, son! I don't really like fish."
This was Mother's Second Lie.

Then, in order to fund my education, Mother went to a Match Factory to bring home some used matchboxes which she filled with fresh matchsticks. . This helped her get some money to cover our needs. One wintry night I awoke to find Mother filling the matchboxes by candlelight. So I said, "Mother, go to sleep; it's late: you can continue working tomorrow morning." Mother smiled and said "Go to sleep, son! I'm not tired."
This was Mother's Third Lie

When I had to sit my Final Examination, Mother accompanied me.. After dawn, Mother waited for me for hours in the heat of the sun. When the bell rang, I ran to meet her.. Mother embraced me and poured me a glass of tea that she had prepared in a thermos. The tea was not as strong as my Mother's love, Seeing Mother covered with perspiration; I at once gave her my glass and asked her to drink too. Mother said "Drink, son! I'm not thirsty!".
This was Mother's Fourth Lie.

After Father's death, Mother had to play the role of a single parent. She held on to her former job; she had to fund our needs alone. Our family's life was more complicated. We suffered from starvation. Seeing our family's condition worsening, my kind Uncle who lived near my house came to help us solve our problems big and small.

Our other neighbours saw that we were poverty stricken so they often advised my mother to marry again. But Mother refused to remarry saying "I don't need love."
This was Mother's Fifth Lie.

After I had finished my studies and gotten a job, it was time for my old Mother to retire but she carried on going to the market every morning just to sell a few vegetables. I kept sending her money but she was steadfast and even sent the money back to me. She said, "I have enough money."
That was Mother's Sixth Lie.

I continued my part-time studies for my Master's Degree. Funded by the American Corporation for which I worked, I succeeded in my studies. With a big jump in my salary, I decided to bring Mother to enjoy life in America but Mother didn't want to bother her son; she said to me "I'm not used to high living."
That was Mother's Seventh Lie

In her dotage, Mother was attacked by cancer and had to be hospitalized. Now living far across the ocean, I went home to visit Mother who was bedridden after an operation. Mother tried to smile but I was heartbroken because she was so thin and feeble but Mother said, "Don't cry, son! I'm not in pain."
That was Mother's Eighth Lie.

Telling me this, her eighth lie, she died.
YES, MOTHER WAS AN ANGEL!

M - O - T - H - E - R

"M" is for the Million things she gave me,
"O" means Only that she's growing old,
"T" is for the Tears she shed to save me,
"H" is for her Heart of gold,
"E" is for her Eyes with love-light shining in them,
R" means Right, and right she'll always be,

Put them all together, they spell "MOTHER"

A word that means the world to me.

For those of you who are lucky to be still blessed with your Mom's presence on Earth, this story is beautiful. For those who aren't so blessed, this is even more beautiful.

Computer History of the World - A different perspective

In the beginning, God created the Bit and the Byte.


And from those he created the Word.



And there were two Bytes in the Word; and nothing else existed.

And God separated the One from the Zero;

and he saw it was good.



And God said - Let the Data be; And so it happened.

And God said - Let the Data go to their proper places.

And he created floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.



And God said - Let the computers be, so there would be a place

to put floppy disks and hard disks and compact disks.

Thus God created computers and called them hardware.



And there was no Software yet. But God created programs;

small and big... And told them - Go and multiply yourselves

and fill all the Memory.



And God said - I will create the Programmer;

And the Programmer will make new programs and govern over

the computers and programs and Data.



And God created the Programmer; and put him at Data Center;

And God showed the Programmer the Catalog Tree and said

You can use all the volumes and subvolumes

but do not use Windows.



And God said - It is not good for the programmer to be alone.

He took a bone from the Programmer's body and created

a creature that would look up at the Programmer;

and admire the Programmer; and love the things

the Programmer does; And God called the creature:

the User.



And the Programmer and the User were left under

the DOS and it was Good.



But Bill was smarter than all the other creatures of God.

And Bill said to the User - Did God really tell you

not to run any programs?



And the User answered - God told us that we can use every

program and every piece of Data but told us not to run

Windows or we will die.



And Bill said to the User - How can you talk about something

you did not even try. The moment you run Windows

you will become GENIOUS. You will be able to create anything

you like by a simple click of your mouse.



And the User saw that the fruits of the Windows were nicer

and easier to use. And the User saw that any knowledge

was useless--since Windows could replace it.



So the User installed the Windows on his computer;

and said to the Programmer that it was good.



And the Programmer immediately started to look for new drivers.

And God asked him--What are you looking for?



And the Programmer answered

--I am looking for new drivers because I can not find them

in the DOS.



And God said - Who told you need drivers?

Did you run Windows?



And the Programmer said - It was Bill who told us to!



And God said to Bill - Because of what you did, you will be hated

by all the creatures. And the User will always be unhappy with you.

And you will always sell Windows.



And God said to the User - Because of what you did,

the Windows will disappoint you and eat up all your Resources;

and you will have to use lousy programs;

and you will always rely on the Programmers help.



And God said to the Programmer - Because you listened to

the User, you will never be happy. All your programs will have

errors and you will have to fix them and fix them to the end of time.



And God threw them out of the Data Center

and locked the door and secured it with a password

Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."















2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT"














3. Almonds are members of the peach family.














4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.














5. The dot over the letter 'I is called a tittle.














6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.














7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.














8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."














9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.














10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosis.














11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosesl.














12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangiha ngakoauauotamate aturipukakapikim aungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.














13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.














14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.














15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.














16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.














17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.














18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.














19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.














21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.














23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.














24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.














26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.














27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.














28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.














30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti














31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.














33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."














34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.














35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."














36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.








37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.








38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."








39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.