Emily And Craftsman Love Story

Quite a long time ago in a curious little town settled between moving slopes and wandering streams, there lived two spirits bound to be weaved. Emily, an energetic craftsman with a heart as dynamic as her range, and James, a delicate soul enthusiastically for books and a tranquil strength that said a lot. Their ways crossed one portentous day at the town's yearly summer fair. The air was loaded up with giggling, the fragrance of cotton treats, and the far off tune of a merry go round. Emily, her easel close by, was catching the kaleidoscope of varieties that moved across the sky during the dusk. James, submerged in a ragged duplicate of his #1 novel, turned out to be perched on a seat close by. A wanderer whirlwind sent Emily's representations rippling this way and that, and James, with a reflex as fast as his heart, jumped to her guide. Their eyes met, and at that time, the world appeared to stop. Emily's cheeks flushed with appreciation, and James couldn't resist the opportunity to grin at the wonderful turmoil of the spread portrayals around them. As they accumulated the rebellious papers, discussion streamed easily. James was charmed by Emily's energy for workmanship, and she tracked down comfort in the profundity of his abstract information. Hours dissolved away as they walked around the fair, sharing dreams, fears, and scraps of their lives. Days transformed into weeks, and weeks into months. Their association developed, similar to the foundations of an old oak interlacing with the earth. Emily's materials started to mirror the tints of their common encounters, and James wound up writing refrains enlivened by the verse of their minutes together. One cold pre-winter evening, underneath a covering of brilliant leaves, James took Emily to a tranquil spot ignoring the town. With an apprehensive yet resolved grin, he admitted the affection that had bloomed inside him. Emily, her heart beating in reverberation, conceded she felt something similar. The town, in the entirety of its effortlessness, turned into the setting for a romantic tale painted with the strokes of destiny. Their relationship confronted its portion of difficulties, similar to any awe-inspiring story. Life's tempests tried their bond, yet Emily and James remained steadfast, their affection a reference point that directed them through the most obscure evenings. They commended each victory, upheld each other through mishaps, and discovered that adoration, similar to workmanship, is a magnum opus in steady development. Years moved by, and the town saw the unfurling sections of their story - a story woven with strings of chuckling, tears, shared dreams, and calm friendship. The fair that had united them turned into a yearly journey, an indication of the luck that formed their predeterminations. Thus, in a similar town where their process started, Emily and James stood connected at the hip, encompassed by the affection that had endured the seasons. As the sun plunged beneath the skyline, projecting a warm sparkle not too far off, they knew that their romantic tale, similar to the actual town, was immortal and unfathomable, a story written in the stars and scratched into the actual texture of their souls.

Loneliness

 Fanny Howe, 1940

Loneliness is not an accident or a choice.

It’s an uninvited and uncreated companion.

It slips in beside you when you are not aware that a

choice you are making will have consequences.

It does you no good even though it’s like one of the

elements in the world that you cannot exist without.

It takes your hand and walks with you. It lies down

with you. It sits beside you. It’s as dark as a shadow

but it has substance that is familiar.

It swims with you and swings around on stools.

It boards the ferry and leans on the motel desk.

Nothing great happens as a result of loneliness.

Your character flaws remain in place. You still stop in

with friends and have wonderful hours among them,

but you must run as soon as you hear it calling.

It does call. And you climb the stairs obediently,

pushing aside books and notes to let it know that you

have returned to it, all is well.

If you don’t answer its call, you sense that it will sink

towards a deep gravity and adopt a limp.

From loneliness you learn very little. It pulls you

back, it pulls you down.

It’s the manifestation of a vow never made but kept:

I will go home now and forever in solitude.

And after that loneliness will accompany you to

every airport, train station, bus depot, café, cinema,

and onto airplanes and into cars, strange rooms and

offices, classrooms and libraries, and it will hang near

your hand like a habit.

But it isn’t a habit and no one can see it.

It’s your obligation, and your companion warms itself

against you.

You are faithful to it because it was the only vow you

made finally, when it was unnecessary.

If you figured out why you chose it, years later, would

you ask it to go?

How would you replace it?

No, saying good-bye would be too embarrassing.

Why?

First you might cry.

Because shame and loneliness are almost one.

Shame at existing in the first place. Shame at being

visible, taking up space, breathing some of the sky,

sleeping in a whole bed, asking for a share.

Loneliness feels so much like shame, it always seems

to need a little more time on its own.

Call Center - Ppl @ Work

Call centre jobs: people wonder why they r paid so much.............for just being on the phone. Take a look: * Tech Support: "I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop." Customer "Ok." Tech Support: "Did you get a pop-up menu?" Customer: "No." Tech Support: "Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?" Customer "No." Tech Support:: "Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?" Customer: "Sure, you told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'." * Customer: "I received the software update you sent, but I am still getting the same error message." Tech Support:: "Did you install the update?" Customer: "No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?" * Customer:: "I'm having trouble installing Microsoft Word." Tech Support:: "Tell me what you've done." Customer: "I typed 'A:SETUP'." Tech Support:: "Ma'am, remove the disk and tell me what it says." Customer:: "It says '[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery disk'." Tech Support:: "Insert the MS Word setup disk." Customer:: "What?" Tech Support: "Did you buy MS word?" Customer: "No..." * Customer:: "Do I need a computer to use your software?" Tech Support:: ?!%#$ * Tech Support:: "Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?" Customer: "Wow. How can you see my screen from there?" * Tech Support:: "What type of computer do you have?" Customer:: "A white one." * Tech Support:: "Type 'A:' at the prompt." Customer:: "How do you spell that?" * Tech Support: "Is your computer on a separate telephone line?" Customer: "No." (clicks the button to log on to our service) Tech Support:: "Well then we can't-" Customer:: "It says 'no dial tone'." Tech Support: "That's because you're on the line with me right now. You need to-" Customer:: "No, that's not it. It does this all the time. I just have to try a few times, and it will let me through." Tech Support:: "No, ma'am. It's not even trying to dial right now because you're on the phone with me." Customer: "It must be busy. I'll try again later." * Tech Support: "What's on your screen right now?" Customer: "A stuffed animal that my boyfriend got me at the grocery store." * Tech Support:: "What operating system are you running?" Customer: "Pentium." * Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion." * Customer: "I have Microsoft Exploder." * Customer: "How do I print my voicemail?" * Customer: "You've got to fix my computer. I urgently need to print document, but the computer won't boot properly." Tech Support: "What does it say?" Customer: "Something about an error and non-system disk." Tech Support: "Look at your machine. Is there a floppy inside?" Customer: "No, but there's a sticker saying there's an Intel inside." * Tech Support: "Just call us back if there's a problem. We're open 24 hours." Customer: "Is that Eastern time?" * Tech Support:: "What does the screen say now?" Customer: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." Tech Support:: "Well?" Customer: "How do I know when it's ready?"

User Contribution

A Dozen Ways to Differentiate

12. In school, you do homework. In college, you study. 11. In school, you wear your backpack on one shoulder; in college, on both. 10. In college, the professors can tell you the answer without looking at the teacher's guide. 09. In school, you're told what classes to take. In college, you get to choose; that is, as long as the classes don't conflict and you have the prerequisites and the classes aren't closed and you've paid your tuition. 08. In school, if you mess up you can usually sweet-talk your way out of it. In college, you're lucky to ever talk with the professor. 07. In school, when the teacher said, "Good morning," you mumbled back. In college, when the professor says, "Good morning," you write it down. 06. In college, weekends start on Thursday. 05. In college, it's much more difficult to figure out the course schedule of the man/woman you have a crush on, in order to figure out where he/she will be walking around campus in order to "just happen to bump into him/her." 04. In college, there's no one to tell you not to eat pizza three meals a day. 03. College women are legal. 02. In school, you can't go out to lunch because it's not allowed. In college, you can't go out to lunch because you can't afford it. 01. In college, you can blow off studying by writing lists like this.

Contributed by Batchmates member

Cup Holder

Tech Rep: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech Rep: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech Rep: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it.

The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive.

ATM

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE and FEMALE procedures have been developed.

Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender:

MALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Just follow the Tracks

3 men are stranded in the middle of the Canadian Forest and they don't know where they are at. They decide that they have to find some food. So the first man leaves and tells the other 2 that he is going to get some food.

Several Hours later, he comes back with a deer over his shoulder. The other 2 are amazed and ask him how he got a deer with no weopans. He replies, " I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get deer". They both are slightly confused but let it go.

1 week later, they have eaten the deer, so they need to get more food. The second guy leaves and says that he is going to get food. He comes back a couple hours later with a elk over his shoulder. The other 2 ask how he got the elk. He simply replies, "I find tracks, i follow tracks, i get Elk".

5 days later, they have eaten the elk, so they need more food. The third guy, feeling very cocky, thinks to himslef, " This is going to be a piece of cake. The other guys got the other animals so easy. I'm going to get an animal better than their's put together!". So he leaves to get some food. They wait a couple hours... he doesn't come back. They wait another couple hours, he is still missing.

Finally, after 9 hours of waiting, they see him coming back. His clothes are torn rags, he is covered in dirt with scrapes and bruises all over his body. He is bleeding from different gashes in his arms and legs along with one on the side of head. They ask, " What happened!". He looks at them, wide-eyed and confused, and replies, " I find tracks, I follow tracks, i get hit my train".

Money

There was a man who worked all of his life and saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."

So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.

Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"

She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket."

"Yes," the wife said, "I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."

"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"

"I sure did. I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check."

Cinderella Would Be Shocked

Sure, there are some pretty stupid criminals out there. Yet this excerpt from a Washington Post article proves that not all criminals are dumb – in fact, some are so clever that the Post labeled this article, "The Best Comeback Line Ever"

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, Picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his need. "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's... just working away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Darn...is it midnight already?"

The Most Embarrassing Moments Ever

Let’s face it – we’ve all had our share of embarrassing moments. Just be thankful that none of them were as humiliating (and hilarious!) as these:

"A mother was taking a shower when her2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so she ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that she had copies made and included one with each of their Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hysterically, and suggesting that she take a closer look. Puzzled, the mother stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to her son, she had captured her reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera!"

"A woman and her sister were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As they were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if they needed any help. The woman replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." The sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and she turned beet red and walked away."

"A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for the entire store to hear, ‘PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE." That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word 'Tampax' for ‘THUMBTACKS.’ In a businesslike tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom: ‘DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?’

An introvert went to bar and spots a pretty looking woman sitting on the stool. He mustered all his courage for long time, then timidly approached and asked her, "Ma’ am, would be OK if sit here and talk with you?" She was alert, suspecting this man, and responds by yelling, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Customers in the bar started staring at them. The embarrassed guy quickly returns to his table dejected and ashamed. The young woman waits a little and then goes to the guy to apologize. With a smile on her face she says, "I am sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I am a college student in psychiatry and I am putting together a thesis as to how people react to embarrassing moments." The cunning guy now yells loudly, "What do you mean by $500?"

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

Weight Loss Plan

A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.

On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.

So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!"

He lost 63 pounds that week.

The World’s Funniest Real Ads

Believe it or not, these ads actually found their way into newspapers all over the world:

Braille dictionary for sale. Must see to appreciate.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everything.

Help wanted, singer for rock band. Must be female or male.

For sale, Hope Chest, brand new, half off, long story.

Help wanted, adult or mature teenager to baby-sit. One dollar an hour.

Lost: small brown poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, potty chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.

Four-posted bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Christmas sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to- find person.

Wanted, man to take care of cows that does not smoke or drink.

Three-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 -- $9 per hour.

Our sofa seats the whole mob and it’s made of 100% Italian leather.

Full sized mattress. 20 year warranty. Like New. Slight urine smell.

Nordic Track $300 hardly used, call Chubby.

Joining nudist colony! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

Open house body shapers toning salon free coffee and donuts

Found: dirty white dog. Looks like a rat... been out while. Better be reward.

Exercise equipment: Queen Size Mattress & Box Springs - $175.

ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

Free Yorkshire Terrier: 8 years old. Hateful little dog.

Free puppies: ½ cocker spaniel, ½ sneaky neighbor’s dog.

Free puppies: part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.

German Shepherd, 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

Snow Blower for sale…only used on snowy days.

Bill’s Septic Cleaning: “We Haul American-Made Products."

Cows, calves never bred…also 1 gay bull for sale.

Nice Parachute – Never opened. Used once.

Hummels – Largest selection ever. "If it’s in stock, then we have it!"

1 man, 7 women hot tub. $850/offer.

Shakespeare’s Pizza. Free chopsticks.

Harrisburg Postal Employee Gun Club.

Tickle-Me-Elmo, still in box, comes with its own 1988 Ford Mustang, 5L, Auto, Excellent condition $6800.

FIFTY SOMETHING

“Do you know...what day it is?”
“Nope”...said my beau. “What's today?”
“Well! If you can't remember”, I cried
“I'm not gonna say.
Well aren't you gonna ask me?”
I insisted with a few tears.
“Alright”, he said...”you're fifty today...
and you have been for three or four years”.

That wasn't what I wanted to hear.
Just a few...simple birthday wishes,
a romantic night...a bottle of wine
and someone to do the dishes.
Instead...like a mature plucked Cinderella
with mascara blurred...eyes
my Prince Charming declares he's swapping
my fifty for two twenty fives.

He'll have a problem handling two;
his belly hangs below his belt.
He said my boobs were no better
like saddle bags...last time he felt.
See...they fall underneath me arms.
He knelt on 'em once and they spread.
Reckoned he was leaning forward
to switch on the light overhead.

He can't do things...like he used to
gets short winded and very abrupt.
When we were young...he worked all night
now he's all night...working it up.
Mind you...I don't give him a lot of help
like I did when I was young.
The elasticity has left my vital parts
you could say...spring has sprung.

We try to get together...
was recommended a book called "Fore Play"
wasn't a crossword or card game in it,
and the pictures were worn away.
I looked at myself in the mirror
perhaps the problem lies with me.
Surely the body doesn't fall apart...
...life begins at fifty.

I need to recharge by batteries,
get rid of my facial hair,
buy new underwire bras,
make 'em look like a pair.
My beau used a whipper snipper on my face,
“I'll trim it”...he said...”it won't pull”.
So I laid on the floor with his foot on my neck,
it started...then ran out of fuel.
Just as well...it went berserk,
desexed our neighbour’s cat.
I said...”Whatever you do...don't mention it...
when you give 'em the snipper back.”

I've been going to the gym lately,
I wear the correct gear...
you know...leotards with that skinny strap
on the strategic part of your rear.
No-one told me to wear tights as well
as I sat on the rowing machine.
Imagine how I felt...when a man pulled it out,
thank goodness it came out clean.
I'm preparing my body and keeping fit,
you know age is a state of mind too,
don't ask me what state I'm in,
let's just say...’Thirty Two.’

Copyright; Shirley Friend
From her book 'Another Dose From Floozie'

Interesting Facts

1. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."















2. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "MT"














3. Almonds are members of the peach family.














4. The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe.














5. The dot over the letter 'I is called a tittle.














6. Ingrown toenails are hereditary.














7. The word "set" has more definitions than any other word in the English language.














8. "Underground" is the only word in the English language that begins and ends with the letters "und."














9. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.














10. The longest word in the English language, according to the Oxford English Dictionary, is pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosis.














11. The only other word with the same amount of letters is its plural: pneumonoultramicros copicsilicovolca noconiosesl.














12. The longest place-name still in use is Taumatawhakatangiha ngakoauauotamate aturipukakapikim aungahoronukup okaiwe-nuakit natahu, a New Zealand hill.














13. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reinade Los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size,L.A.














14. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.














15. Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.














16. Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery.














17. Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays.














18. Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy.














19. The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers.














21. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.














23. There is a seven-letter word in the English language that contains ten words without rearranging any of its letters, "therein": the,there, he, in, rein, her, here, ere, therein, herein.














24. Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors.














26. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.














27. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.














28. Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.














30. The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti














31. 'Stewardesses' is the longest English word that is typed with only the left hand.














33. The combination "ough" can be pronounced in nine different ways; the following sentence contains them all: "A rough-coated, dough-faced, thoughtful ploughman strode through the streets of Scarborough; after falling into a slough, he coughed and hiccoughed."














34. The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.














35. Facetious and abstemious contain all the vowels in the correct order, as does arsenious, meaning "containing arsenic."














36. Emus and kangaroos cannot walk backwards, and are on the Australian seal for that reason.








37. Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.








38. The word "Checkmate" in chess comes from the Persian phrase "Shah Mat," which means "the king is dead."








39. The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.

If a STUDENT makes a mistake

If a BARBER makes a mistake, it's a new style....... ......... .....





If a DRIVER makes a mistake, it's an accident.... ......... ........





If a DOCTOR makes a mistake, it's an operation... ......... ........




If an ENGINEER makes a mistake, it is a new venture..... ......... .





If a POLITICIAN makes a mistake, it is a new law......... .........



If a SCIENTIST makes a mistake, it is a new invention... ......... .




If a TAILOR makes a mistake, it is a new fashion..... ......... ....




If a TEACHER makes a mistake, it is a new theory...... ......... ...





If a STUDENT makes a mistake, it is a "MISTAKE" !!!!!!!!!!!! !

Slow Down

It's been 18 years since I joined Volvo, a Swedish company. Working for them has proven to be an interesting experience. Any project here takes 2 years to be finalized, even if the idea is simple and brilliant. It's a rule.

Globalized processes have caused in us (all over the world) a general sense of searching for immediate results.. Therefore, we have come t!o posses a need to see immediate results. This contrasts greatly with the slow movements of the Swedish. They, on the other hand, debate, debate, debate, hold x quantity of meetings and work with a slowdown scheme. At the end, this always yields better results.

1. Sweden has 2 million inhabitants. .
2. Stockholm has 500,000 people.
3. Volvo, Escania, Ericsson, Electrolux, are some of its renowned companies. Volvo even supplies NASA.

The first time I was in Sweden , one of my colleagues picked me up at the hotel every morning. It was September, bit cold and snowy. We would arrive early at the company and he would park far away from the entrance (2000 employees drive their car to work).

The first day, I didn't say anything, neither the second or third days. One morning I asked him, "Do you have a fixed parking space?

I've noticed we park far from the entrance even when there are no other cars in the lot."

To which he replied, "Since we're here early we'll have time to walk, don't you think that whoever gets in late will need a place closer to the door?" Imagine my face.

Nowadays, there's a movement in Europe named Slow Food. This movement establishes that people should eat and drink slowly, with enough time to taste their food, spend time with the family, friends, without rushing. Slow Food is against its counterpart, Fast Food and what it stands for as a lifestyle. Slow Food is the basis for a bigger movement called Slow Europe, as mentioned by Business Week.

Basically, the movement questions the sense of "hurry" and "craziness" generated by globalization, fuelled by the desire of "having in quantity" (life status) versus "having with quality", "life quality" or the "quality of being".

French people, even though they work 35 hours per week, are more productive than Americans or British. Germans have established 28.8 hour workweeks and have seen their productivity driven up by 20%..

This slow attitude has come to the notice of USA , the pupils of the fast and "do it now" brigade.

This no-rush attitude doesn't represent doing less or having a lower productivity.
It means working and doing things with greater quality, productivity, perfection, with attention to detail and less stress.
It means re-establishing family values, friends, free and leisure time.. Taking the "now", present and concrete, versus the "global", undefined and anonymous.
It means taking humans' essential values, the simplicity of living.
It stands for a less coercive work environment, more happy, lighter and more productive work place where humans enjoy doing what they know best how to do.

It's time to stop and think on how companies need to develop serious quality with no-rush that will increase productivity and the quality of products and services, without losing the essence.

In the movie, 'Scent of a Woman', there's a scene where Al Pacino asks a girl to dance and she replies, "I can't, my boyfriend will be here any minute now". To which Al Pacino responds, "A life is lived in an instant" . Then they dance the tango!

Many of us live our lives running behind time, but we only reach it when we die of a heart attack or in a car accident rushing to be on time. Others are so anxious to live for the future that they forget to live the present, which is the only time that truly exists.

We all have equal time throughout the world. No one has more or less. The difference lies in how each one of us does with our time. We need to live each moment. As John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans".

I Wanted To Live ! Mommy

Dear Mommy,

I am in Heaven now... I so wanted to be your little girl. I don't quite understand what has happened. I was so excited when I began realizing my existance. I was in a dark, yet comfortable place. I saw I had fingers and toes. I was pretty far along in my developing, yet not near ready to leave my surroundings. I spent most of my time thinking or sleeping. Even from my earliest days, I felt a special bonding between you and me.

Sometimes I heard you crying and I cried with you. Sometimes you would yell or scream, then cry. I heard Daddy yelling back. I was sad, and hoped you would be better soon. I wondered why you cried so much. One day you cried almost all of the day. I hurt for you. I couldn't imagine why you were so unhappy.

That same day, the most horrible thing happened. A very mean monster came into that warm, comfortable place I was in. I was so scared, I began screaming, but you never once tried to help me. Maybe you never heard me. The monster got closer and closer as I was screaming and screaming, "Mommy, Mommy, help me please; Mommy, help me." Complete terror is all I felt. I screamed and screamed until I thought I couldn't anymore. Then the monster started ripping my arms off. It hurt so bad; the pain I can never explain. It didn't stop.

Oh, how I begged it to stop. I screamed in horror as it ripped my leg off.

Though I was in such complete pain, I was dying. I knew I would never see your face or hear you say how much you love me. I wanted to make all your tears go away. I had so many plans to make you happy. Now I couldn't; all my dreams were shattered. Though I was in utter pain and horror, I felt the pain of my heart breaking, above all. I wanted more than anything to be your daughter. No use now, for I was dying a painful death. I could only imagine the terrible things that they had done to you. I wanted to tell you that I love you before I was gone, but I didn't know the words you could understand.

And soon, I no longer had the breath to say them; I was dead. I felt myself rising. I was being carried by a huge angel into a big beautiful place. I was still crying, but the physical pain was gone. The angel took me away to a wonderful place... Then I was happy. I asked the angel what was the thing was that killed me. He answered, "Abortion". I am sorry, for I know how it feels." I don't know what abortion is; I guess that's the name of the monster. I'm writing to say that I love you and to tell you how much I wanted to be your little girl. I tried very hard to live. I wanted to live. I had the will, but I couldn't; the monster was too powerful. It sucked my arms and legs off and finally got all of me. It was impossible to live. I just wanted you to know I tried to stay with you. I didn't want to die. Also, Mommy, please watch out for that abortion monster. Mommy, I love you and I would hate for you to go through the kind of pain I did. Please be careful.

Love,
Your Baby Girl

PRO CHOICE? DO YOU THINK THESE BABIES CHOSE TO DIE???

This Is Dedicated To The Memory Of All The Aborted Babies Throughout The World. Please pass this on to as many people as u can... If u have a heart u will... I post it to here, coz I know u have a heart n will post it to others, so that they will know what happens to their child and all the pain the baby goes through when they abortion their baby

 (STOP ABORTION PLEASE)

22 Reasons to go VEGETARIAN !

Vegetarian food is easy to digest

Consider making this healthy choice as one of your new year's resolutions. ..
Stacks of studies confirm that a diet full of fresh fruits and vegetables and grains is your best bet for living a longer, healthier and more enjoyable life. There are literally hundreds of great reasons to switch to a plant-based diet; here are 22 of the best:

 

1        You'll live a lot longer.
Vegetarians live about seven years longer, and vegans (who eat no animal products) about 15 years longer than meat eaters, according to a study from Loma Linda University. These findings are backed up by the China Health Project (the largest population study on diet and health to date), which found that Chinese people who eat the least amount of fat and animal products have the lowest risks of cancer, heart attack and other chronic degenerative diseases.

2        You'll save your heart. Cardiovascular disease is still the

number one killer in the United States, and the standard American diet (SAD) that's laden with saturated fat and cholesterol from meat and dairy is largely to blame. Plus, produce contains no saturated fat or cholesterol. Incidentally, cholesterol levels for vegetarians are 14 percent lower than meat eaters.

3        You can put more money in your mutual fund.
Replacing meat, chicken and fish with vegetables and fruits is estimated to cut food bills.

4        You'll reduce your risk of cancer.
Studies done at the German Cancer Research Center in Heidelberg suggest that this is because vegetarians' immune systems are more effective in killing off tumour cells than meat eaters'. Studies have also found a plantbased diet helps protect against prostate, colon and skin cancers.

5        You'll add color to your plate.
Meat, chicken and fish tend to come in boring shades of brown and beige, but fruits and vegetables come in all colours of the rainbow. Diseasefighting phytochemicals are responsible for giving produce their rich, varied hues. So cooking by colour is a good way to ensure you re eating a variety of naturally occurring substances that boost immunity and prevent a range of illnesses.

6        You'll fit into your old jeans.
On average, vegetarians are slimmer than meat eaters, and when we diet, we keep the weight off up to seven years longer. That's because diets that are higher in vegetable proteins are much lower in fat and calories than the SAD. Vegetarians are also less likely to fall victim to weight-related disorders like heart disease, stroke and diabetes.

7        You'll give your body a spring cleaning.
Giving up meat helps purge the body of toxins (pesticides, environmental pollutants, preservatives) that overload our systems and cause illness. When people begin formal detoxification programs, their first step is to replace meats and dairy products with fruits and vegetables and juices.

8        You'll make a strong political statement.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to finish a delicious meal, knowing that no beings have suffered to make it..

9        Your meals will taste delicious.
Vegetables are endlessly interesting to cook and a joy to eat. It's an ever-changing parade of flavours and colors and textures and tastes.

10    You'll help reduce waste and air pollution.
Livestock farms creates phenomenal amounts of waste. The tons of manure, a substance that's rated by the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) as a top pollutants. And that's not even counting the methane gas released by goats, pigs and poultry (which contributes to the greenhouse effect); the ammonia gases from urine; poison gases that emanate from manure lagoons; toxic chemicals from pesticides; and exhaust from farm equipment used to raise feed for animals.


11       Your bones will last longer.
The average bone loss for a vegetarian woman at age 65 is 18 percent; for non-vegetarian women, it's double that. Researchers attribute this to the consumption of excess protein. Excess protein interferes with the absorption and retention of calcium and actually prompts the body to excrete calcium, laying the ground for the brittle bone disease osteoporosis. Animal proteins, including milk, make the blood acidic, and to balance that condition, the body pulls calcium from bones. So rather than rely on milk for calcium, vegetarians turn to dark green leafy vegetables, such as broccoli and legumes, which, calorie for calorie, are superior sources.

12      You'll help reduce famine.
It takes 15 pounds of feed to get one pound of meat. But if the grain were given directly to people, there'd be enough food to feed the entire planet. In addition, using land for animal agriculture is inefficient in terms of maximizing food production. According to the journal Soil and Water, one acre of land could produce 50,000 pounds of tomatoes, 40,000 pounds of potatoes, 30,000 pounds of carrots or just 250 pounds of beef.

13      You'll avoid toxic chemicals.
The EPA estimates that nearly 95 per cent of pesticide residue in our diet comes from meat, fish and dairy products. Fish, in particular, contain carcinogens (PCBs, DDT) and heavy metals (mercury, arsenic; lead, cadmium) that cannot be removed through cooking or freezing. Meat and dairy products are also laced with steroids and hormones.

14      You'll protect yourself from foodborne illnesses.
According to the Center for Science in the Public Interest in the US, which has stringent food standards, 25 per cent of all chicken sold in the United States carries salmonella bacteria and, the CDC estimates, 70 percent to 90 percent of chickens contain the bacteria campy-lobacter (some strains of which are antibiotic-resistan t), approximately 5 percent of cows carry the lethal strain of E. coli O157:H7 (which causes virulent diseases and death), and 30 percent of pigs slaughtered each year for food are infected with toxoplasmosis (caused by parasites).

15      You may get rid of your back problems.
Back pain appears to begin, not in the back, but in the arteries. The degeneration of discs, for instance, which leads to nerves being pinched, starts with the arteries leading to the back. Eating a plant-based diet keeps these arteries clear of cholesterol- causing  blockages to help maintain a healthy back.

16      You'll be more 'regular.'
Eating a lot of vegetables necessarily means consuming fiber, which pushes waste out of the body. Meat contains no fibre. Studies done at Harvard and Brigham Women's Hospital found that people who ate a high-fiber diet had a 42 percent lower risk of diverticulitis. People who eat lower on the food chain also tend to have fewer incidences of constipation, hemorrhoids and spastic colon.

17       You'll cool those hot flashes.
Plants, grains and legumes contain phytoestrogens that are believed to balance fluctuating hormones, so vegetarian women tend to go through menopause with fewer complaints of sleep problems, hot flashes, fatigue, mood swings, weight gain, depression and a diminished sex drive.

18      You'll help to bring down the national debt.
We spend large amounts annually to treat the heart disease, cancer, obesity, and food poisoning that are byproducts of a diet heavy on animal products.

19      You'll preserve our fish population.
Because of our voracious appetite for fish, 39 per cent of the oceans' fish species are overharvested, and the Food & Agriculture Organization reports that 11 of 15 of the world's major fishing grounds have become depleted.

20      You'll help protect the purity of water.
It takes 2,500 gallons of water to produce one pound of mutton, but just 25 gallons of water to produce a pound of wheat. Not only is this wasteful, but it contributes to rampant water pollution.

21      You'll provide a great role model for your kids.
If you set a good example and feed your children good food, chances are they'll live a longer and healthier life. You're also providing a market for vegetarian products and making it more likely that they'll be available for the children.

22      Going vegetarian is easy!
Vegetarian cooking has never been so simple. We live in a country that has been vegetarian by default. Our traditional dishes are loaded with the goodness of vegetarian food. Switching over it very simple indeed.