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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Love's story

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived: Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge, and all of the others including Love. One day it was announced to the feelings that the island would sink, so all repaired their boats and left.
  

Love wanted to persevere until the last possible moment. When the island was almost sinking, Love decided to ask for help. Richness was passing by Love in a grand boat. Love said, "Richness, can you take me with you?" Richness answered, "No, I can't. There is a lot of gold and silver in my boat. There is no place here for you."

Love decided to ask Vanity who was also passing by in a beautiful vessel, "Vanity, please help me!" "I can't help you Love. You are all wet and might damage my boat." Vanity answered.


Sadness was close by so Love asked for help, "Sadness, let me go with you." "Oh....Love, I am so sad that I need to be by myself!"


Happiness passed by Love too, but he was so happy that she did not even hear when Love called her!


Suddenly, there was a voice, "Come Love, I will take you." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that he even forgot to ask the elder his name. When they arrived at dry land, the elder went his own way.


Love realizing how much he owed the elder and asked Knowledge, another elder, "Who helped me?" "It was Time," Knowledge answered. "Time?" asked Love. "But why did Time help me?" Knowledge smiled with deep wisdom and answered, "Because, only Time is capable of understanding how great Love
is."

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Confidence & Self Esteem

Confidence and Self-Esteem were best friends. They went everywhere together. If Confidence bought a new dress, Self-Esteem bought one just like it. They were very close.


One day a new kid came to their school. His name was Peer Pressure. He had a friend called Hateful Words. They decided to give Confidence a hard time.





They constantly teased her. They forced her to do terrible things. It was so terrible that Confidence lost Self-Esteem. When Self-Esteem wanted to start some classes, Confidence said they wouldn't be any good.


Then one day, Peer Pressure introduced Confidence to Doubt. He wanted to ruin Confidence, but Peer Pressure said he couldn't yet. Self Esteem couldn't understand what was wrong with Confidence. Confidence now hung around with Depression, Low Self-Esteem, and Overeating.


These girls were friends of Peer Pressure. Self-Esteem no longer had any friends. She no longer felt good about herself. She went to see her Imaam. Imaam Good Words told her how to talk to Confidence. He introduced her to his daughter, Encouragement.


Encouragement and Self-Esteem went to find Confidence. Self Esteem hoped she wasn't too late. The girls found Confidence in a stupor. She was no longer a vibrant, happy young girl. There were dark circles under her eyes. She had gained so much weight from eating that she couldn't move.


Encouragement gasped and Self-Esteem cried. She begged Encouragement to do something.




Encouragement began to hug Confidence. She kissed her and loved her. She told her that she was a beautiful young lady who had a lot going for her.


Encouragement held Confidence so tightly that Self-Esteem thought she would smother her. Confidence began to cry. As she cried, she seemed to lose weight. Then a bright light suddenly glowed from Confidence and she began to smile.


Peer Pressure and his friends didn't like what Encouragement was doing and tried to attack her. They hit at her and pulled at her, but they couldn't pull her away from Confidence. Then Confidence began to speak.


"Get away from me, Peer Pressure. Take your friends and go. You no longer have any power over me." Confidence was now a glowing light. She and her friends made sure that Peer Pressure and his gang never bothered anyone in their town again.


.........................................................

If you feel that Encouragement is not your friend, then try to find Encouragement in yourself. Self-Esteem and Confidence will follow.

Bearded Bed Wetter ( +18 Joke )

This lady is having a bed wetting problem, so she decides to go to the doctor. The doctor tells her to go and get undressed and wait for him in the other room.

When the doctor goes into the room he tells the lady to stand on her head facing the mirror. She figures he is a doctor and gets in front of the mirror. The doctor goes over to the lady and rests his chin between her legs and looks in the mirror.

After a few minutes he stands up and tells the lady to go ahead and put her clothes back on and he will talk to her when she is dressed. The lady puts her clothes on and asks the doctor what is wrong with her.

He tells her that she needs to quit drinking before she goes to bed. The lady asks the doctor why he had her get naked in front of the mirror and stand on her head.

He replies, "I wanted to see how I would look with a
beard."

92 years old( +18 Joke )

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling
everybody."

Methods of Hiring

Cognizant Method:


Hire a lion... ask him to stay for late nights but give him no work to do.
give him gobi 65 to eat again and again.
hire 100 more lions but do not increase the space to sit
give them same gobi 65 to eat
hire 200 more....... and more .......




TCS method:


Hire a lion
give him hell a lot of work and pay him government salary lion dies of hunger and frustration



IBM's metbod:


hire a lion, give him a pink slip in an hour... he dies of unemployment. ..




Syntel Method:


Hire a Cat ...
assure him that he will eventually become a Lion once he reaches onsite and make sure that he never reaches onsite.
Cat dies in hope of becoming a Lion....



MBT method:


hire the lion, make him take 14 tests and tell him that if he doesn't score 60% he will lose the job.
Lion dies of the strain?



i-Flex method:


Hire a lion???.oops cow, tell him he is a lion, send him in African safari for implementing flexcube in god forbidden territories, tell him if he comes alive he will get band movement (promotion) holy cow dies in fear of the real lion.



Polaris Method:


hire ..sorry....purchase a lion(COSL) ..
change his timings...(instead of 9 AM ...change it to 8:30 AM)
cut down his allowance (coupons etc)
lion dies from fear of becoming CAT.....



Patni method:


hire a lion, give him a salary of a cat...
the lion dies before joining....



Wipro Method:


Hire a Lion,
give him a mail Id.
he will die recieving stupid mails all day........! ! !!!



Accenture Method:


*Hire a lion.... **
Send him to chennai
Ask him to stay on bench for a long time
Ask him to eat idli,Dosa and Vada
No hindi, kannada or no other languages speaking ppl other than TAMIL...
No good food, No water..and specially No Beautiful girls
And say him "Go Ahead be a Tiger".
Lion dies in confusion he is Tiger or
lion......

THE MAN WHO WILLED HIMSELF TO DIE

There was a man who worked for the railroad. One day as he went into the freezer compartment to do his routine work, the door accidentally closed and he found himself trapped in the compartment.

He shouted for help but no one heard him since it was past midnight. He tried to break down the door but he could not. As he lay in the freezer compartment, he began to feel colder, and colder. Then he began to feel weaker, and weaker, and he wrote on the wall of the compartment, “I am feeling colder, and colder; and I am getting weaker, and weaker. I am dying, and this may be my last words”.

In the morning when the other workers opened up the compartment they found him dead. The sad twist to the above story is that the freezing apparatus in the compartment had broke down a few days earlier.

The poor worker did not know about the damaged freezing apparatus and in his mind the freezing apparatus was working perfectly. He felt cold, got weaker and literally willed himself to die.

SUCCESS PRINCIPLES

Our sub-conscious mind can be cheated. The sub-conscious mind can only accept and act on information passed to it by the conscious mind. It has no capacity to reject or decline any instructions or
Information passed to it by the conscious mind. In the case of the poor worker, he consciously thought that he was getting colder, weaker and dying and the sub-conscious mind accepted the above instructions and affected his physical body. That was how he willed
Himself to die.

MOTIVATIONAL QUOTE

"Every now and then go away, have a little relaxation, for when you come back to your work your judgment will be surer. Go some distance away because then the work appears smaller and more of it can be taken in at a glance and a lack of harmony and proportion is more readily
seen."

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Boy and Tree

There was one time a very young boy, who used to spend time playing by a tree.

One day he got bored and he said to the tree, "I'm bored, I've played with these toys too many times!"

The tree replied, "OK, you can climb up on me and play on my branches."

The boy got really happy with this suggestion and he had a lot of fun playing and sitting high up, on the branches of the tree.

When he started school, he spent more time away from the tree, but one day he came back to it, and the tree was overjoyed to see its young companion, and it encouraged him to climb on, but he refused.

"My clothes are going to get dirty if I climb up on you."
So the tree thought for a while, and said, "OK, bring a rope and tie it to me, and you can use my branches as a swing."

The boy liked that idea, so he did that too, and would come back every other day to sit for a while on that swing.

Whenever he used to get hot, the tree told him to rest in its shade.

As he got older, and moved on to college, times became harder on him and he ran short of food, so he went back to the tree which he had stopped visiting for a long time.

The tree recognised him immediately and welcomed him, but he was hungry and complained to the tree, "I don't have any food to eat, my stomach is cringing with hunger."

So the tree said, "Pull down my branches and take off the fruit, and fill yourself up."

The young guy didn't even hesitate, but jumped up and tore off one of the smaller branches and ate to his fill.

Over the weeks, he tore off all the branches and ate all the fruit.

After the fruits had all gone, he went away and didn't come back to the tree.

When he reached his middle ages, he came back to the tree and said to it, "I have been very successful in life.

I have earned a lot of money, I have a huge house and I have found a great wife.

Now I want to travel and see the world."

The tree was now very old, but to help its long time companion, it didn't wait, and said, "Bring a saw, cut off my trunk and make a boat. Then you will see the wonders of the world."

So again, without hesitation the man cut down the tree.

The same tree which he had played on, ate its fruit, laid in its shade; he cut it down and made a boat.

As soon as it was finished, he sailed away and wasn't seen by his people again.

One day, an old man, walked past the tree.

It hadnt recovered from the time he had cut it down. He went up to the tree, but didn't say anything.

He felt the tears coming down from his eyes.

This time the tree spoke in a faint voice, "I'm sorry. I don't have a trunk for you to climb, nor fruit for you to eat, nor branches of shade for you to lie in. All I have now are my deep roots."

The old man whispered, "That's fine. Tree roots are the best place to lie down, snuggle up and sleep after a long life."

The tree symbolizes our parents, and the boy symbolizes us.

The moral of the story is that we make use of our parents like tissue, and use them all up, and don't even give thanks, but they stay with us till the very end.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

What do we build in our lives?

Once upon a time two brothers, who lived on adjoining farms, fell into conflict. It was the first serious rift in 40 years of farming side by side, sharing machinery, and trading labor and goods as needed without a conflict.

Then the long collaboration fell apart. It began with a small misunderstanding and it grew into a major difference, and finally it exploded into an exchange of bitter words followed by weeks of silence.


One morning there was a knock on John's door. He opened it to find a man with a carpenter's tool box.

"I'm looking for a few days' work" he said. "Perhaps you would have a few small jobs here and there I could help with? Could I help you?" "Yes," said the older brother. "I do have a job for you."


"Look across the creek at that farm. That's my neighbor; in fact, it's my younger brother. Last week there was a meadow between us and he took his bulldozer to the river levee and now there is a creek between us. Well, he may have done this to spite me, but I'll do him one better."

"See that pile of lumber by the barn? I want you to build me a fence --an 8-foot fence -- so I won't need to see his place or his face anymore."


The carpenter said, "I think I understand the situation. Show me the nails and the post-hole digger and I'll be able to do a job that pleases you."

The older brother had to go to town, so he helped the carpenter get the materials ready and then he was off for the day.


The carpenter worked hard all that day measuring, sawing, nailing.

About sunset when the farmer returned, the carpenter had just finished his job.


The farmer's eyes opened wide, his jaw dropped. There was no fence there at all. It was a bridge -- a bridge stretching from one side of the creek to the other! A fine piece of work, handrails and all -- and the neighbor, his younger brother, was coming toward them, his hand outstretched. "You are quite a fellow to build this bridge after all I've said and done."

The two brothers stood at each end of the bridge, and then they met in the middle, taking each other's hand.

They turned to see the carpenter hoist his toolbox onto his shoulder. "No, wait! Stay a few days. I've a lot of other projects for you," said the older brother.


"I'd love to stay on," the carpenter said, but I have many more bridges to
build.

Love quotes by Famous Persons

A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path --Agatha Christie

"If music be the food of love, play on"- Shakespeare

Loving is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction- Antoine de Saint

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love- Albert Einstein


Love - a terribly misunderstood emotion, although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker., You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip- Jonathan Carroll

"Where there is love, there is life"-- Mahatma Gandhi

Time is too slow for those who wait, too swift for those who fear, too long for those who grieve, too short for those who rejoice, but for those who love, time is eternity- Henry Van Dyke

Take away love and our earth is a tomb-Robert Bro

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place- Zora Neale Hurston

Love is a game that two can play and both win by loosing their heart- Eva Gabor.

We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack- Marie Ebner Von Eschenbach

Love, and a cough, cannot be hid-George Herbert

At the touch of love and heart, everyone becomes a poet- Plato

Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold- Zelda Fitzgerald

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species- W. Somerset Maugham

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired- Robert Frost

Love is the greatest refreshment in life- Pablo Picasso

Sometimes we make love with our eyes. Sometimes we make love with our hands. Sometimes we make love with our bodies. Always we make love with our hearts Love is a canvas furnished by Nature and embroidered by imagination - Voltaire

"It is never too late to fall in love"- Sandy Wilson

Love is not finding someone to live with; it's finding someone you can't live without- Rafael Ortiz

"The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know."-Pascal

What we love to do we find time to do. --John L. Spalding

There's nothing in this world as sweet as love, and next to love the sweetest thing is hate. --Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Love is life. And if you miss love, you miss life. --Leo Buscaglia

Life without love is like a tree without blossom and fruit. --Khalil
Gibran

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Tum Hote Ho Jab Pass Mere

AB raastey jaane pehchaane ho to..manzil kareeb lagtee hai..

Tum hotey ho jab paas mere har saans khushnaseeb lagtee hai..


Saagar kinare pade in berang patharron mein..ek seepi badi ajeeb dikhti hai

Tum hotey ho jab paas mere har saans khushnaseeb lagtee hai..



Utar Chadao, Khushi Gham, pana khona har rang mein zindagi habib lagtee hai..

Tum hotey ho jab paas mere har saans khushnaseeb lagtee hai..


Haath se choothey palon ko dekhkar bhi jawaani uthkar 'Zehnaseeb'kehtee hai..

Tum hotey ho jab paas mere har saans khushnaseeb lagtee
hai..

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

50 Most Romantic Things To Do With Your Girl Friend

1. Watch the sunset together.

2. Whispers to each other.

3. Cook for each other.

4. Walk in the rain.

5. Hold hands.

6. Buy small gifts for each other.

7. Gift Roses.

8. Find out their favorite cologne/perfume and wear every time you're together.

9. Go for a long walk down the beach at midnight.


10. Write poetry for each other.

11. Hugs are the universal medicine.

12. Say I love you, only when you mean it and make sure they know you mean it.

13. Give random gifts of flowers/candy/ poetry etc.

14. Tell her that she's the only girl you ever want. Don't lie!

15. Spend every second possible together.

16. Look into each other's eyes.

17. Very lightly push up her chin, look into her eyes, tell her you love her, and kiss her lightly.

18. When in public, only flirt w/ each other.

19. Put love notes in their pockets when they aren't looking.

20. Buy her a ring.

21. Sing to each other.

22. Always hold her around her hips/sides.

23. Take her to dinner and do the dinner for two-deal

24. Spaghetti? (Ever see Lady and the Tramp?)

25. Hold her hand, stare into her eyes, kiss her hand and then put it over your heart.

26. Dance together.

27. I love the way a girl looks right after she's fallen asleep with her head in my lap.

28. Do cute things like write I love you in a note so that they have

to look in a mirror to read it.

29. Make excuses to call them every 5 minutes

30. Even if you are really busy doing something, go out of your way to call and say I love you.

31. Call from your vacation spot to tell them you were thinking about them.

32. Remember your dreams and tell her about them.

34. Tell each other your most sacred secrets/fears.

35. Be Prince Charming to her parents.

36. Brush her hair out of her face for her.

37. Hang out with his/her friends.

38. Go to church/pray/ worship together.

39. Take her to see a romantic movie and remember the parts she liked.

40. Learn from each other and don't make the same mistake twice.

41. Describe the joy you feel just to be with him/her.

42. Make sacrifices for each other.

43. Really love each other, or don't stay together.

44. Let there never be a second during any given day that you aren't thinking about them, and make sure they know it.

45. Love yourself before you love anyone else.

46. Learn to say sweet things in foreign languages.

47. Dedicate songs to them on the radio.

48. Fall asleep on the phone with each other.

49. Stand up for them when someone talks trash.

50. Never forget the kiss goodnight and always remember to say,"Sweet
dreams."

Married Too Long

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting over lunch and the conversation turns to their relationships. They decided that night to surprise their men.. All three would wear a black leather bra and thong, stiletto heels, and a mask over their eyes.


A few days later they meet up for lunch.


The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams. I love you." Then we made love all night long.


The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather outfit, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex for hours.


The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. He walked in the door, looked at me and said, "What's for dinner,
Batman?"

101 Ways to Make You Smile



01. Call an old friend, just to say hi.

02. Hold a door open for a stranger.

03. Invite someone to lunch.

04. Compliment someone on his or her appearance.

05. Ask a coworker for their opinion on a project.

06. Bring cookies to work.

07. Let someone cut in during rush hour traffic.

08. Leave a waitress or waiter a big tip.

09. Tell a cashier to have a nice day.

10. Call your parents.

11. Let someone know you miss them.

12. Treat someone to a movie.

13. Let a person know you really appreciate them.

14. Visit a retirement center.

15. Take a child to the zoo.

16. Fill up your spouse's car with gas.

17. Surprise someone with a small gift.

18. Leave a thank-you note for the cleaning staff at work.

19. Write a letter to a distant relative.

20. Tell someone you thought about them the other day.

21. Put a dime in a stranger's parking meter before the time expires.

22. Bake a cake for a neighbor.

23. Send someone flowers to where they work.

24. Invite a friend to tea.

25. Recommend a good book to someone.

26. Donate clothing to a charity.

27. Offer an elderly person a ride to where they need to go.

28. Bag your own groceries at the checkout counter.

29. Give blood.

30. Offer free baby-sitting to a friend who's really busy or just needs a break.

31. Help your neighbor rake leaves or shovel snow.

32. Offer your seat to someone when there aren't any left.

33. Help someone with a heavy load.

34. Ask to see a store's manager and comment on the great service.

35. Give your place in line at the grocery store to someone who has only a few items.

36. Hug someone in your family for no reason.

37. Wave to a child in the car next to you.

38. Send a thank-you note to your doctor.

39. Repeat something nice you heard about someone else.

40. Leave a joke on someone's answering machine.

41. Be a mentor or coach to someone.

42. Forgive a loan.

43. Fill up the copier machine with paper after you're done using it.

44. Tell someone you believe in them.

45. Share your umbrella on a rainy day.

46. Welcome new neighbors with flowers or a plant.

47. Offer to watch a friend's home while they're away.

48. Ask someone if they need you to pick up anything while you're out shopping.

49. Ask a child to play a board game, and let them win.

50. Ask an elderly person to tell you about the good old days.

51. During bad weather, plan an indoor picnic with the family.

52. Buy someone a goldfish and bowl.

53. Compliment someone on their cooking and politely ask for a second helping.

54. Dance with someone who hasn't been asked.

55. Tell someone you mentioned them in your prayers.

56. Give children's clothes to another family when your kids outgrow them.

57. Deliver extra vegetables from your garden

to the whole neighborhood.

58. Call your spouse just to say, I love you.

59. Call someone's attention to a rainbow or beautiful sunset.

60. Invite someone to go bowling.

61. Figure out someone's half-birthday by adding 182 days, and surprise them with a cake.

62. Ask someone about their children.

63. Tell someone which quality you like most about them.

64. Brush the snow off of the car next to yours.

65. Return your shopping cart to the front of the store.

66. Encourage someone's dream, no matter how big or small it is.

67. Pay for a stranger's cup of coffee without them knowing it.

68. Leave a love letter where your partner will find it.

69. Ask an older person for their advice.

70. Offer to take care of someone's pet while they're away.

71. Tell a child you're proud of them.

72. Visit a sick person, or send them a care package.

73. Join a Big Brother or Sister program.

74. Leave a piece of candy on a coworker's desk.

75. Bring your child to work with you for the afternoon.

76. Give someone a recording of their favorite music.

77. Email a friend some information about a topic they are especially interested in.

78. Give someone a homemade gift.

79. Write a poem for someone.

80. Bake some cookies for your local fire or police department.

81. Organize a neighborhood cleanup and have a barbecue afterwards.

82. Help a child build a birdhouse or similar project.

83. Check in on an old person, just to see if they're okay.

84. Ask for the recipe after you eat over at someone's house.

85. Personally welcome a new employee at work and offer to take them out for lunch.

86. While in a car, ask everyone to buckle up because they are important to you.

87. Let someone else eat the last slice of cake or pizza.

88. Stop and buy a drink from a kid's lemonade stand.

89. Forgive someone when they apologize.

90. Wave to someone looking for a parking space when you're about to leave a shopping center.

91. Send a copy of an old photograph to a childhood friend.

92. Leave a pint of your spouse's favorite flavor of

ice cream in the freezer with a bow on it.

93. Do a household chore that is usually done

by someone else in the family.

94. Be especially happy for someone when they tell you their good news.

95. Compliment a coworker on their role in a successful project.

96. Give your spouse a spontaneous back rub at the end of the day.

97. Serve someone in your family breakfast in bed.

98. Ask someone if they've lost weight.

99. Make a donation to a charity in someone's honor.

100. Take a child to a ballgame.





And last, but not least...



101. Forward this list to 10 of your favorite people!

Speech by Bryan Dyson

Speech by Bryan Dyson (CEO of Coca Cola)

"Imagine life as a game in which you are juggling some five balls in the air. You name them - work, family, health, Friends and spirit and you're keeping all of these in the Air.

You will soon understand that work is a rubber ball. If you drop it, it will bounce back.

But the other four Balls - Family, Health, Friends and Spirit - are made of glass. If you drop one of these; they will be irrevocably scuffed, marked, nicked, damaged or even shattered. They will never be the same. You must understand that and strive for
it.

Confusing Name

An Indian guy named "Anantharaman Subbaraman" arrived at the New York airport and ended up waiting for his visa for about 2 hours for the authorities to call his name.
 


He got fed up and went to them and asked why they haven't called his name yet.



They said that they have been calling him for the last 2 hours as


*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*

*


"Anotherman Superman"

Flag this message Cabbie n the nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.


She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'


She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing


You could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,


'Well, let's see what we can do about that:


#1, You have to be single


#2, You must be Catholic.


#3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,


'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and I'm happy to enter from behind!'


'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'


The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.


But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'


'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to fancy dress
party.'

What a winding path

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.

The hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... If I go down three inches ... I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."

There was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."

There was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches .that fish will jump for the fly...and I will grab him."

It also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.... "Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish leaps for it...that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."

You probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more....

A wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh ... If that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly ... And that bear grabs for that fish ... The dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."

A cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought, as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time ~ "Gosh...if that fly goes down three inches...and that fish jumps for that fly... And that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear...and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... Then I can have mouse for lunch."

The poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.

The fish swallows the fly...

The bear grabs the fish...

The hunter shoots the bear...

The mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...

The cat jumps for the mouse...

The mouse ducks...

The cat falls into the water and drowns.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS:

Whenever a fly goes down three inches ....

Some pussy is in serious
danger. !!!!!!!.

Height of Communication GAP

Mr.Sharma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck: "I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby! The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we  can't tell anybody."


The next day, Mrs.Sharma receives a telephone call  from  Electric Company because the  electricity bill has not been paid.  " Am I speaking to Mrs.Sharma ? "  "Yes...... speaking" 

guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"


"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.

"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the  guy .

"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW  ?????" 



"Yes ........... We have a system of finding out who's overdue "



"GOD !!!!!!...... ... this is too much........ .."



"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"


"I know that ........ let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ..... he will speak to your company tomorrow "


That night, she tells her husband about the visit, and he, mad as a bull, rushes to Electric Company's office the next day morning.


"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue? What  business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.


"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at Elecric Company ,  "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us.."


"PAY you? and if I refuse?"


"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."


"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.


"I don't know. I guess she'd have to use a
candle."

Beauty Secrets

For attractive lips,
Speak words of kindness.


For lovely eyes,
Seek out the good in people.


For a slim figure,
Share your food with the hungry.



For beautiful hair,
Let a child run his fingers through it once a day.


For poise, walk with the knowledge
You never walk alone.


We leave you a tradition of the future.

The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete.

People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, redeemed and redeemed and redeemed.

Never throw anyone away.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you'll discover that you have two hands - one for helping yourself, the second for helping others.

You've great days still ahead of you. May there be many of
them.

Certain Things In Life

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.
 
"May I help you?" she asked.
 
"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.
 
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.
 
"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.
 
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row--too expensive--and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a
lawyer

Confession

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her  husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly , sees  them and hides in the  bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet , not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says , "Dark in here."

The man says , "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No , thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK , how much?"
Boy - "$150"
Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks , it happens again that the  boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes , it is."
Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover , remembering the last time , asks the boy  , "How much?"
Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold."

A few days later , the father says to the boy , "Grab your gloves , let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says , "I can't , I sold my ball and my glove."
The father asks , "How much did you sell them for?"
The boy says , "$500"

The father says , "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost.

I'm going to take you to church and make you confess your greed."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says , "Dark in here."
The priest says , "Don't start that shit again , you're in my closet
now.

Fight With Wifes Begins

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... ..so, I took her to a gas station..... and that's how the fight started.

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's how the fight started.

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' And that's how the fight started.

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?' And that's how the fight started.


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight
started.

Give me your e-mail

A jobless man applied for the position of "office boy" at Some Company.


The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.


"You are employed."

He said." Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."




The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."


I'm sorry", said the HR manager, "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."


The man left with no hope at all. He didn't know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10Kg tomato crate.


He then sold the tomatoes in a door to door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the Operation three times, and returned home with $60.


The man realized that he can survive by this Way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.


5 years later , the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US.


He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance.


He called an insurance broker, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded, the broker asked him his email. The man replied, "I don't have an email".


The broker answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an email?!!"


The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Some
Company!"

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to think before you speak to me!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
my presence ever makes you feel uncomfortable!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to thank me for everything i do for you!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to say sorry for everything that you don't do!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you have to ask me for favors!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think i would not be curious to know your new philosophy of life!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you go by what i say and do not understand what i don't say!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that listening to your dreams would put me to sleep!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think that seeing you in pain, would not bring a tear to me!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you think I do not remember the first time we met!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't see the thousand ways I try to make you happy!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you don't realize how your smile brightens up my day!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you would rather keep quiet when you really wanna talk!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you hesitate to ask me to stay back when you think we should be together!

I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND IF.....
you take too much time to tell me what i mean to you!

Am I Your
FRIEND ????

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

You Are Wonderful

The following story captured our heart. It happened several years ago in the Paris opera house. A famous singer had been contracted to sing, and ticket sales werebooming. In fact, the night of the concert found the house packed and every ticket sold.

The feeling of anticipation and excitement was in the air as the house manager took the stage and said, Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your enthusiastic support. I am afraid that due to illness, the man whom you've all come to hear will not be performing tonight. However, we have found a suitable substitute we hope will provide you with comparable entertainment.

The crowd groaned in disappointmentand failed to hear the announcer mention the stand-in's name. The environment turned from excitement to frustration.

The stand-in performer gave the performance everything he had. When he had finished,there was nothing but an uncomfortable silence. No one applauded. Suddenly, from the balcony, a little boy stood up and shouted, Daddy, I think you are wonderful! The crowd broke into thunderous applause.

We all need people in our Lives who are willing to stand up once in a while and say, I think you are wonderful.

And at times others are expecting this from you.

Are you telling them how wonderful you are . . .??????????

Say it now and make someone's day more
pleasant.

I am a Father

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.


The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.


The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that. "




The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father of many."


The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way.. "


The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.


The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said,


"Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar."

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. Its best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but its best not to try it until you have a lot of experience.

4. Its easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but its usually not as much fun.

6. Its usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. Its best to have a soft place to land.

8. You dont need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are really into it.

9. If youre with someone who is having trouble keeping up, its usually best to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes its nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once youre over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin
Bikes.

King of the jungle

A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared,



"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"




The trembling monkey says, "You are, mighty lion!




Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows,



"Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?"




The terrified ox stammers, "Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!"




On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars,



"Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?"




Fast as lightning, the elephant snatches up the lion with his trunk, slams him against a tree half a dozen times leaving the lion feeling like it'd been run over by a safari wagon.


The elephant then stomps on the lion till it looks like a corn tortilla and ambles away.




The lion lets out a moan of pain, lifts his head weakly and hollers after the elephant -



"Just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so upset about
it!"

Interesting Facts

1) Human birth control pill work on gorillas.
2) The right lung takes in more air than the left.

3) it is illegal to own a red car in shanghai china.
4) A hard-boiled egg will spin. An uncooked or soft-boiled egg will not.

5) Astronauts cannot burp in space.
6) The snowiest city in the U.S.A. is blue canyon, California

7) Lake Nicaragua in Nicaragua is the only fresh water lake in the world that has sharks.
8) Kite flying is a professional sport in Thailand.

9) No matter how cold it gets gasoline will not freeze.

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, " How do I know if I married the right person ?"


I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, " It Depends. Is that your husband?"


In all seriousness, she answered " How do you know?"


Let me answer this question because the chances are good that it's Weighing on your mind.


Here's the answer.


EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with Your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked Their idiosyncrasies.


Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a Completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.


People in love sometimes say, " I was swept of my feet." Think about the Imagery of that _expression. It implies that you were just standing There; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.


Falling in love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.


But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the Natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls Become a bother ( if they come at all), touch is not always welcome ( when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute,  drive you nuts.


The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you Think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.


At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, " Did I marry The right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of The love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else.


This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for  their Unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.


Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is The most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work, church, a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.


But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.


I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You Could.


And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because ( listen carefully to this):


THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.


SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find " LASTING love. You have to "make"  it day in and day out. That's why we have the _expression " the labor of  love."


Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it Takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.


Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific Things you can do ( with or without your spouse ) to succeed with your marriage.


Just as there are physical laws of the universe ( such as gravity),


There are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise Program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your Relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If  you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable. .. You can " make" love.


Love in marriage is indeed a " decision"... Not just a
feeling.

Aaj ke daur men AI dost

Aaj ke daur men AI dost ye munzar kyun hai

ZaKhm har sar pe har I haath men patthar kyun hai


Jab haqiqat hai ke har zarre men TU rahataa hai

Phir zamin par kahin masjid kahin mandir kyun hai


Apana anjaam to maalum hai sab ko phir bhi

Apani nazaron men har insan sikandar kyun hai


Zindagi jiiney ke qaabil hi nahin AB "Faakir"

Varnaa har aankh men ashkon kaa samandar kyun
hai

Christmas shopping

It was nearly Christmas and Judge Judy was in a happy mood.  She asked the defendant, "What are you being prosecuted for?"


"Doing my Christmas shopping too early," replied the defendant.


"That's not a crime," replied Judge Judy.


"How early were you doing you Christmas shopping?"


"Before the store opened," replied the
defendant!

Monday, December 21, 2009

Good Read

A   nurse took the tired, anxious serviceman to the bedside.

"Your son is here," she said to the old man.


She had to repeat the words several times before the patient's eyes opened.


Heavily sedated because of the pain of his heart attack, he dimly saw the young uniformed


Marine standing outside the oxygen tent. He reached out his hand. The Marine wrapped his toughened fingers around the old man's limp ones, squeezing a message of love and encouragement.


The nurse brought a chair so that the Marine could sit beside the bed. All through the night the


Young Marine sat there in the poorly lighted ward, holding the old man's hand and offering him words of love and strength. Occasionally, the nurse  suggested that the Marine move away and rest awhile.


He refused.


Whenever the nurse came into the ward, the Marine was oblivious of her and of the night noises of the hospital - the clanking of the oxygen tank, the laughter of the night staff members exchanging greetings, the cries and moans of the other patients.


Now and then she heard him say a few gentle words. The dying man said nothing, only held tightly to his son all through the night.


Along towards dawn, the old man died. The Marine released the now lifeless hand he had been holding and went to tell the nurse. While she did what she had to do, he waited.


Finally, she returned. She started to offer words of sympathy, but the Marine interrupted her.


"Who was that man?" he asked.


The nurse was startled, "He was your father," she answered.


"No, he wasn't," the Marine, replied. "I never saw him before in my life."


"Then why didn't you say something when I took you to him?"


"I knew right away there had been a mistake, but I also knew he needed his son, and his son just



Wasn't here. When I realized that he was too sick to tell whether or not I was his son, knowing how much he needed me, I stayed."


The next time someone needs you ... Just be there. Stay.



WE ARE NOT HUMAN BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE.

WE ARE SPIRITUAL BEINGS GOING THROUGH A TEMPORARY HUMAN
EXPERIENCE.

Trading Place

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church.

One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation.

He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in
here"

Showing off ( +18 Jokes )

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. 'If I do 250 kph, will you take off your clothes?' he smirked. 'Yes,' said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 250, she peeled off all her clothes.

Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thrown clear, but he was jammed beneath the steering wheel.

'Go and get help!' he cried.
'But I can't! I'm naked and my clothes are gone!'
'Take my shoe' he said 'and cover yourself.'

Holding the shoe over her privates, the girl ran down the road and found a service station. Still holding the shoe between her legs, she pleaded to the service station proprietor, 'Please help me! My boyfriend's stuck!'

The proprietor looked at the shoe and
fainted..... ..!!!!!!! !!

Blood transfusion ( +18 Joke )

The victim of an awful automobile accident was pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital, and the emergency nurse was ordered to prepare the body for the undertaker. 

Removing his clothes, she discovered that the young man had died with the most massive erection she had ever seen.

Unable to take her eyes off it, she finally yielded to temptation, took off her panties, straddled the stiff and proceeded to enjoy herself.

She was just getting down from the table when a second nurse came in and saw her and promptly reprimanded her for her obscene behavior.

"What's the harm?" shot back the first nurse. "I enjoyed it, and HE surely didn't mind it. Besides, he can't complain and I can't get pregnant. Why don't YOU give it a try too?"

"Oh, I can't possibly," said the second nurse, blushing. "First, he's dead and second, I've got my period. Anyway, listen, the doctor wants you."

And so the first nurse left. The second nurse got to work, but soon found herself terribly excited by this massive hard-on and finally climbed on top of it. Just as she was starting to cum, she was astonished to feel the man climax too!

Looking down and seeing his eyelids starting to flutter, she exclaimed in shock, "I thought you were dead!"
"Lady, I thought I was too," said the man, "until you gave me that blood transfusion."

The Phone Call

The worried housewife sprang to the telephone when it rang and listened with relief to the kindly voice in her ear.

"How are you, darling?" it said. "What kind of a day are you having?"

"Oh, mother," said the housewife, breaking into bitter tears, "I've had such a bad day. The baby won't eat and the washing machine broke down. I haven't had a chance to go shopping, and besides, I've just sprained my ankle and I have to hobble around. On top of that, the house is a mess and I'm supposed to have two couples over for dinner tonight."

The mother was shocked and was at once all sympathy. 


"Oh, darling," she said, "sit down, relax, and close your eyes. I'll be over in half an hour. I'll do your shopping, clean up the house, and cook your dinner for you. I'll feed the baby and I'll call a repairman I know who'll be at your house to fix the washing machine promptly. Now stop crying. I'll do everything. In fact, I'll even call George at the office and tell him he ought to come home and help out for once."

"George?" said the housewife. "Who's George?"

"Why, George! Your husband!... Isn't this 223-1374?"

"No, this is 232-1374."

"Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I have the wrong number."

There was a short pause and the housewife said,

"Does this mean you're not coming
over?"

Punishment Air Force Style

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight.

So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

This guy finds that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do.

Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.


As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished".

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath,

stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule, Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero, and my job here is to pump shit out of an aircraft.

Now, just exactly what form of punishment did you have in
mind?"

An excited titter ! (18+)

An English anthropologist was doing research in an isolated African village, the tribal chief asked if he would like to attend a trial his people were conducting that afternoon.

"You`ll be surprised," said the chief, "at how well we`ve copied your country`s legal procedures. You see, we have read accounts of many English trials in your newspapers, and incorporated them into our judicial system."

When the Brit arrived at the wooden constructed courthouse, he was truly amazed to see how closely the African court officials resembled those of England. The counsels were suitably attired in long black robes and the traditional white powdered wigs worn by all British jurists. Each argued his case with eloquence and in proper judicial language. But he couldn`t help being puzzled by the occasional appearance of a bare-breasted native girl running through the crowd waving her arms frantically.

After the trial, the anthropologist congratulated his host on what he had seen and then asked,

"What was the purpose of having a seminude woman run through the courtroom during the trial?"

"I really don`t know," confessed the Chief, "but in all the accounts we read in your papers about British trials, there was invariably mentioned something about `an excited titter` running through the
gallery."

One of the youngest Mother


11 year-old Bulgarian girl had a daughter, and she gave birth in hospital where she was taken on the second day of the wedding ceremony.

She met her 19-year-old husband on the playground when he defended her from bullies.
The guy admitted that he thought she was fifteen years-old, thats why he started going out with her.

Their child was conceived a week after they were dating. And when he learned that she was pregnant he had to marry her as it was his duty. Still, he is facing 6 years of prison for having sex with a minor.

The young mother wont be attending the school anymore, because as she said she is a mother now. And heres what she said: 'I'm not going to play with toys any more - I have a new toy now.'