In a bizarre ritual, two minor girls, both seven, from the remote Pallipudupet village in Tamil Nadu's Villupuram district were married off to frogs on Friday night. The ceremony, an annual feature during the Pongal (harvest) festival, is conducted "to prevent the outbreak of mysterious diseases in the village''.
The girls, Vigneswari and Masiakanni, dressed up in traditional bridal finery -- gilded sarees and gold jewellery -- married the frog 'princes' in separate, elaborate ceremonies at two different temples in the presence of hundreds of villagers. midst chanting of vedic hymns, the temple priests garlanded the brides and tied the magalsutras on behalf of the frogs pronouncing the two as wives of the amphibians before the sacred fire at the auspicious hour.
The villagers threw themselves into the ceremonies with gusto. While residents living in the western part of the village acted as relatives of the brides and those from the eastern part play-acted as relatives of the grooms. The ceremonies had all the usual elements of a traditional marriage including a sumptuous feast. However, unlike the fairy tale `Frog Prince', where the ugly toad turns into a handsome prince when the princess kisses it, the Villupuram village belles bid their amphibian grooms goodbye and lead a normal life thereafter. As for the terrified frogs, they are thrown back into the temple ponds after the ceremony.
Earlier the 'relatives' of the brides came in a procession to the grooms' houses in the eastern part of the village to fix the marriage and later went to the temple pond to catch the frogs. The frog princes were tied to long sticks decorated with garlands for the marriage ceremonies. An elderly woman of the village said the ritual was practised traditionally for several generations to ward off evil spirits and diseases from the village.
Villupuram district collector R Palaniswamy told TOI that he had deputed a team led by the district social welfare officer to visit the village and submit a detailed report. "The district administration proposes to evolve comprehensive schemes to motivate and enlighten the villagers against such evil and ignorant practises," he said. But all these years the strange practice has been going on unchecked.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
26 Reasons
26 REASONS WHY MEN HAVE 2 DOGS AND NOT TWO WIVES
1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.
*********
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
*********
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don`t hate it.
*********
4. Dogs don`t notice if you call them by another dog`s name.
*********
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
*********
6. A dog`s parents never visit.
*********
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
*********
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*********
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
*********
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
*********
11. Dogs can`t talk.
*********
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they`re ready to go 24 hours a day.
*********
13. Dogs find you amusing when you`re drunk.
*********
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
*********
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
*********
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
*********
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
*********
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.
*********
19. A dog won`t hold out on you to get a new car.
*********
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don`t get mad. They just think it`s interesting.
*********
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
*********
22. Dogs don`t let magazine articles guide their lives.
*********
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
*********
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
*********
25. Dogs are not allowed in Maceys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
*********
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won`t take half of your stuff.
1. The later you come home the more excited your dogs are to see you.
*********
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
*********
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don`t hate it.
*********
4. Dogs don`t notice if you call them by another dog`s name.
*********
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
*********
6. A dog`s parents never visit.
*********
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
*********
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
*********
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
*********
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
*********
11. Dogs can`t talk.
*********
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they`re ready to go 24 hours a day.
*********
13. Dogs find you amusing when you`re drunk.
*********
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
*********
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
*********
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
*********
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
*********
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar and a leash on it without calling you a pervert.
*********
19. A dog won`t hold out on you to get a new car.
*********
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don`t get mad. They just think it`s interesting.
*********
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
*********
22. Dogs don`t let magazine articles guide their lives.
*********
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
*********
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.
*********
25. Dogs are not allowed in Maceys, Bloomingdales or Neiman-Marcus.
*********
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won`t take half of your stuff.
Visualise your Goal
The Catalina Island is twenty-one miles away from the coast of California, and many people have taken the challenge to swim across it.
On July 4th 1952, Florence Chadwick stepped into the water off Catalina Island to swim across to the California coast. She started well and on course, but later fatigue set in, and the weather became cold.
She persisted, but fifteen hours later, numb and cold, she asked to be taken out of the water.
After she recovered, she was told that she had been pulled out only half a mile away from the coast. She commented that she could have made it, if the fog had not affected her vision and she would have just seen the land.
She promised that this would be the only time that she would ever quit.
She went back to her rigorous training. And two months later she swam that same channel. The same thing happened. The fatigue set in, and the fog obscured her view, but this time she swam with faith and vision of the land in her mind. She knew that somewhere behind the fog was land.
She succeeded and became the first woman to swim the Catalina Channel. She even broke the men's record by two hours.
SUCCESS PRINCIPLES
When you set your goal, keep pressing on even when you are tired, physically and mentally, and even though there are many challenges ahead.
Keep the vision of your goal crystal clear before you and never, never, never… give up!
See the reaching, commit to it, and you will surely see your goal realized.
On July 4th 1952, Florence Chadwick stepped into the water off Catalina Island to swim across to the California coast. She started well and on course, but later fatigue set in, and the weather became cold.
She persisted, but fifteen hours later, numb and cold, she asked to be taken out of the water.
After she recovered, she was told that she had been pulled out only half a mile away from the coast. She commented that she could have made it, if the fog had not affected her vision and she would have just seen the land.
She promised that this would be the only time that she would ever quit.
She went back to her rigorous training. And two months later she swam that same channel. The same thing happened. The fatigue set in, and the fog obscured her view, but this time she swam with faith and vision of the land in her mind. She knew that somewhere behind the fog was land.
She succeeded and became the first woman to swim the Catalina Channel. She even broke the men's record by two hours.
SUCCESS PRINCIPLES
When you set your goal, keep pressing on even when you are tired, physically and mentally, and even though there are many challenges ahead.
Keep the vision of your goal crystal clear before you and never, never, never… give up!
See the reaching, commit to it, and you will surely see your goal realized.
Monday, January 19, 2009
Why men should not marry.
Why men should not marry.
All the older guys I know, guys that are 55 and older are telling me the same story; don't do it. It just turns to crap no matter what you do. They'd rather be independent. At best it's a tedious bore. At worst a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure. The problem is that when you're young, you just naturally fall into this mind set where your whole self image is based on how women regard you, and so you spend all your money and energy trying to make yourself acceptable to them. Then later in life the shine wears off and you finally realize that you've wasted yourself on a bunch of crap.
Children - "the ultimate human experience"
I couldn't even begin to list all of the older folks i know from work or through my family with kids they either don't get along with, are disappointed in, or are so distant as to not even be a factor in each other's lives.
I'm really skeptical about the idea of children as "the ultimate blessing." How many friends do you have with little or no meaningful contact or relationships with their parents?
I would wager the statistic for happy child/parent relations would be as bad, if not worse, than the marriage numbers. Who wants to deal with TWO bitter, unfulfilling relationships? !
Marriage is a sham for men. There is no benefit. If you are about to get married, think it over. Don't let your **** do your thinking for you. Don't let your punch-drunk I'm in love euphoria put you on auto-pilot. You will wake up in a hell of a hangover staring at this woman who will control your life.
A few years ago I went through a major depression over this until I started talking to all the older guys I knew...and they all said the same thing; "don't do it, it's shit. Even when it's not bad, it's shit". You end up being closely tied to an old woman. Think about that. I can go to Europe or the south seas tomorrow. If I was married I wouldn't have the money and I'd have to ask HER permission. Don't get married unless you are absolutely religiously in love with her. Like carry her sick aged body to the toilet and wipe her *** and be happy to do it kind of love.
What I'm saying is that human beings are nasty weak treacherous creatures that are for the most part totally untrustworthy. Experience is my basis for this statement, both mine and others who I know or who have written reliable histories. If you can find a woman to be your companion who is not treacherous, a deceitful little actress, a sly whore or a manipulative nag or a shrieking hag, then you are among the lucky few. Congratulations. I hope your luck continues to hold out.
Ok, assume that you will end up divorced and won't see your kids and lose half of your assets, how different is that from being married?
Most married guys I know are working their asses off to pay bills, rarely to get to spend time with their families, mediocre or no sex life, and have wives that spend as much of their money as absolutely possible.
My problem with marriage isn't a fear of divorce; it is that the whole thing ****s divorce or not.
What security is there for men in marriage?
If I cheat on my wife, she gets half my shit.
If she cheats on me, she still gets half my sh**.
Why the f*** should i get married?
F*** it man, it's easy to get depressed about not being married when we live in a society that constantly feeds us the image of the happy couple. It's one big lie. The happiest person alive is someone who isn't a prisoner dependent on another human being... We only have 80 or so years on this rock to achieve true freedom
Very few marriages last nowadays, and even guys older than me are telling me not to even think about it... It's a grossly overrated source of happiness. And for the 80% that do go through divorce, it will financially ruin you for life. Period. You can take your best 10 earning years from say, 35 to 45 and take all the wealth you would have accumulated and flush it down the toilet. Because it will go to her and her lawyer. If it happens naturally and it's good then great, good luck. But the worst thing is to force it, to make gross exertions and ignore all sorts of red lights going off just to be hooked up and "normal". Get some hobbies. Relax. Hang out. Enjoy. Take life as it comes.
As men, we all know that a woman's primary objective is to marry. After years of experience I've discovered their most commonly used strategy. here it is:
1. Girl pressures guy for marriage.
2. Guy delays.
3. Girl gradually starts destroying guy's self-esteem and eliminating his friends.
4. Guy becomes too weak and too much of a loser to find something better than what he has.
5. Girl starts to limit sex. In effect controlling the only good thing in the guy's life.
6. Guy is in despair. Capitulates to marriage.
Then 5-10 years later the guy is an empty shell of his former self. Girl is a ruthless manipulating machine. Girl divorces loser husband. Girl takes 80% of guy's stuff because the guy is too brain dead to find a good lawyer. Girl lives happily ever after. Guy becomes bald alcoholic who dies of heart attack at 45 years old.
All the older guys I know, guys that are 55 and older are telling me the same story; don't do it. It just turns to crap no matter what you do. They'd rather be independent. At best it's a tedious bore. At worst a living hell with financial ruin thrown in for good measure. The problem is that when you're young, you just naturally fall into this mind set where your whole self image is based on how women regard you, and so you spend all your money and energy trying to make yourself acceptable to them. Then later in life the shine wears off and you finally realize that you've wasted yourself on a bunch of crap.
Children - "the ultimate human experience"
I couldn't even begin to list all of the older folks i know from work or through my family with kids they either don't get along with, are disappointed in, or are so distant as to not even be a factor in each other's lives.
I'm really skeptical about the idea of children as "the ultimate blessing." How many friends do you have with little or no meaningful contact or relationships with their parents?
I would wager the statistic for happy child/parent relations would be as bad, if not worse, than the marriage numbers. Who wants to deal with TWO bitter, unfulfilling relationships? !
Marriage is a sham for men. There is no benefit. If you are about to get married, think it over. Don't let your **** do your thinking for you. Don't let your punch-drunk I'm in love euphoria put you on auto-pilot. You will wake up in a hell of a hangover staring at this woman who will control your life.
A few years ago I went through a major depression over this until I started talking to all the older guys I knew...and they all said the same thing; "don't do it, it's shit. Even when it's not bad, it's shit". You end up being closely tied to an old woman. Think about that. I can go to Europe or the south seas tomorrow. If I was married I wouldn't have the money and I'd have to ask HER permission. Don't get married unless you are absolutely religiously in love with her. Like carry her sick aged body to the toilet and wipe her *** and be happy to do it kind of love.
What I'm saying is that human beings are nasty weak treacherous creatures that are for the most part totally untrustworthy. Experience is my basis for this statement, both mine and others who I know or who have written reliable histories. If you can find a woman to be your companion who is not treacherous, a deceitful little actress, a sly whore or a manipulative nag or a shrieking hag, then you are among the lucky few. Congratulations. I hope your luck continues to hold out.
Ok, assume that you will end up divorced and won't see your kids and lose half of your assets, how different is that from being married?
Most married guys I know are working their asses off to pay bills, rarely to get to spend time with their families, mediocre or no sex life, and have wives that spend as much of their money as absolutely possible.
My problem with marriage isn't a fear of divorce; it is that the whole thing ****s divorce or not.
What security is there for men in marriage?
If I cheat on my wife, she gets half my shit.
If she cheats on me, she still gets half my sh**.
Why the f*** should i get married?
F*** it man, it's easy to get depressed about not being married when we live in a society that constantly feeds us the image of the happy couple. It's one big lie. The happiest person alive is someone who isn't a prisoner dependent on another human being... We only have 80 or so years on this rock to achieve true freedom
Very few marriages last nowadays, and even guys older than me are telling me not to even think about it... It's a grossly overrated source of happiness. And for the 80% that do go through divorce, it will financially ruin you for life. Period. You can take your best 10 earning years from say, 35 to 45 and take all the wealth you would have accumulated and flush it down the toilet. Because it will go to her and her lawyer. If it happens naturally and it's good then great, good luck. But the worst thing is to force it, to make gross exertions and ignore all sorts of red lights going off just to be hooked up and "normal". Get some hobbies. Relax. Hang out. Enjoy. Take life as it comes.
As men, we all know that a woman's primary objective is to marry. After years of experience I've discovered their most commonly used strategy. here it is:
1. Girl pressures guy for marriage.
2. Guy delays.
3. Girl gradually starts destroying guy's self-esteem and eliminating his friends.
4. Guy becomes too weak and too much of a loser to find something better than what he has.
5. Girl starts to limit sex. In effect controlling the only good thing in the guy's life.
6. Guy is in despair. Capitulates to marriage.
Then 5-10 years later the guy is an empty shell of his former self. Girl is a ruthless manipulating machine. Girl divorces loser husband. Girl takes 80% of guy's stuff because the guy is too brain dead to find a good lawyer. Girl lives happily ever after. Guy becomes bald alcoholic who dies of heart attack at 45 years old.
The Leave Applications
Infosys, Bangalore: An employee applied for leave as follows:
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.. I request you to leave me today"
· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
"Since I have to go to my village to sell my land along with my wife, please sanction me one-week leave."
· This is from Oracle Bangalore: >From an employee who was performing the "mundan" ceremony of his 10 year old son:
"as I want to shave my son's head, please leave me for two days.."
· Another gem from CDAC. Leave-letter from an employee who was performing his daughter's wedding:
"as I am marrying my daughter, please grant a week's leave.."
· From H.A.L. Administration Dept:
"As my mother-in-law has expired and I am only one responsible for it, please grant me 10 days leave."
· Another employee applied for half day leave as follows:
"Since I've to go to the cremation ground at 10 o-clock and I may not return, please grant me half day casual leave"
· An incident of a leave letter:
"I am suffering from fever, please declare one-day holiday."
· A leave letter to the headmaster:
"As I am studying in this school I am suffering from headache.. I request you to leave me today"
· Another leave letter written to the headmaster:
"As my headache is paining, please grant me leave for the day."
· Covering note:
"I am enclosed herewith..."
· Another one:
"Dear Sir: with reference to the above, please refer to my below..."
· Actual letter written for application of leave:
"My wife is suffering from sickness and as I am her only husband at home I may be granted leave".
· Letter writing:-
"I am well here and hope you are also in the same well."
· A candidate's job application:
"This has reference to your advertisement calling for a ' Typist and an Accountant - Male or Female'... As I am both(!! )for the past several years and I can handle both with good experience, I am applying for the post.
True Love
A girl and guy were speeding over 100 mph on a motorcycle)
Girl: Slow down. I'm scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, it's too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug. (Girl hugs him)
Guy: Can u take my helmet off and put it on? It's bugging me.
In the Newspaper the next day: 'A motorcycle crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on the motorcycle, but only one survived.'
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks were not working
but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him, felt
her hug one last time, then had her wear his helmet so she would live even though it
meant he would die.
Girl: Slow down. I'm scared.
Guy: No this is fun.
Girl: No its not. Please, it's too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: Fine, I love you. Slow down!
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug. (Girl hugs him)
Guy: Can u take my helmet off and put it on? It's bugging me.
In the Newspaper the next day: 'A motorcycle crashed into a building because of break failure. Two people were on the motorcycle, but only one survived.'
The truth was that halfway down the road, the guy realized that his breaks were not working
but he didn't want to let the girl know. Instead, he had her say she loved him, felt
her hug one last time, then had her wear his helmet so she would live even though it
meant he would die.
What is B.E?
What is B.E?
8 semesters are there
80GB syllabus
80MB we study
80KB we remember
80 Bytes we answer
BINARY marks we get,
The Degree finally we get is BE
That is Brain E mpty (B.E)
8 semesters are there
80GB syllabus
80MB we study
80KB we remember
80 Bytes we answer
BINARY marks we get,
The Degree finally we get is BE
That is Brain E mpty (B.E)
Beggars of today
A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him Rs.10 and that Continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to Rs. 7.50
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes Rs. 5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor.
"First you give me Rs. 10 every day, then Rs. 7,50 and now only Rs. 5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."
Sunday, January 18, 2009
April Fools Day
By: Birmingham UK Com
April Fool's Day originates from Germany. It is believed to be the brain child of Gabriel Hoffman who lived in Damstadt during the 1860's. The day is celebrated in many countries with the execution of elaborate practical jokes on unsuspecting victims. April 1st is the accepted date for April Fool's Day when both simple and very sophisticated jokes are known to catch out the unwary or the gullible.
There is evidence of a similar day in the Gregorian calendar of 1582 and even as far back as ancient Rome when the practice would have been observed on New Years Day. Originally April Fool's Day jokes typically would have involved sending a person on a ridiculous errand. A builders merchant might send an apprentice to obtain some sky hooks or a long wait ( weight ) and embarrass them after a period of time with the utterance of the words April Fool.
It is tradition for the jokes or pranks to end by noon. Carrying out an April Fool's Day joke on someone after this time is said to bring bad luck. Over the years there have been some very elaborate hoaxes even by large TV corporations. The BBC managed to convince its audience in 1957 that Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. They showed footage of spaghetti growing on trees and were inundated with calls from the general public asking for advice on growing spaghetti. The BBC even had the audacity to suggest placing a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce to assist its growth.
April 1st is not an officially recognised holiday or event but it is practised regularly in the UK. Prince Charles has been reported to have enjoyed April 1st when until as recently as 2003 he would cause havoc at Buckingham Palace where his favourite trick was to place a whoopee cushion under the bottoms of Royalty, including his mothers - Queen Elizabeth!
There have been many hoaxes and some famous mistakes by media corporations in reporting stories in error. There are also several April Fool's Day spoofs on the internet. Sometimes these seemingly innocent pranks can cause financial damage or panic when things are taken too far.
In Birmingham on April 1st 1986, a group of students became convinced that the Black plague had returned to the city. Such was the level of confusion and clever manipulation of a drama class and its students, that hospitals in the city were put on full alert and 900 students were sent home by the governor. The full scale of the hoax was not revealed until the following day when embarrassed school committee members faced the media and issued an apology to parents.
In 2001 Birmingham Council became embroiled in an April Fool's Day conspiracy involving Pebble Mill on the Bristol Road. They received what they thought was official notification from the BBC of severe structural damage to the BBC building, caused they were informed by a severe earth tremor. The council acted swiftly and informed the BBC that it had secured space in the Mailbox for all of the BBC staff and studio teams. This particular hoax was only discovered on the day of the move when Birmingham County Council received a fax message which simply read ' April Fools' and was accompanied by a fax message of the original notification. Michael Johnson, Assistant Director was questioned by Channel 4 in an embarrassing fiasco where Johnson looked bewildered and confused and clearly had no knowledge of events leading to the change of location of the BBC headquarters in Birmingham.
April Fool's Day is illegal in the Peoples Republic of China, Venezuela, Trinidad and Tobago, Alaska, Cuba and Bolivia.
http://www.birminghamuk.com
April Fool's Day originates from Germany. It is believed to be the brain child of Gabriel Hoffman who lived in Damstadt during the 1860's. The day is celebrated in many countries with the execution of elaborate practical jokes on unsuspecting victims. April 1st is the accepted date for April Fool's Day when both simple and very sophisticated jokes are known to catch out the unwary or the gullible.
There is evidence of a similar day in the Gregorian calendar of 1582 and even as far back as ancient Rome when the practice would have been observed on New Years Day. Originally April Fool's Day jokes typically would have involved sending a person on a ridiculous errand. A builders merchant might send an apprentice to obtain some sky hooks or a long wait ( weight ) and embarrass them after a period of time with the utterance of the words April Fool.
It is tradition for the jokes or pranks to end by noon. Carrying out an April Fool's Day joke on someone after this time is said to bring bad luck. Over the years there have been some very elaborate hoaxes even by large TV corporations. The BBC managed to convince its audience in 1957 that Swiss farmers were enjoying a bumper spaghetti crop. They showed footage of spaghetti growing on trees and were inundated with calls from the general public asking for advice on growing spaghetti. The BBC even had the audacity to suggest placing a sprig of spaghetti in a tin of tomato sauce to assist its growth.
April 1st is not an officially recognised holiday or event but it is practised regularly in the UK. Prince Charles has been reported to have enjoyed April 1st when until as recently as 2003 he would cause havoc at Buckingham Palace where his favourite trick was to place a whoopee cushion under the bottoms of Royalty, including his mothers - Queen Elizabeth!
There have been many hoaxes and some famous mistakes by media corporations in reporting stories in error. There are also several April Fool's Day spoofs on the internet. Sometimes these seemingly innocent pranks can cause financial damage or panic when things are taken too far.
In Birmingham on April 1st 1986, a group of students became convinced that the Black plague had returned to the city. Such was the level of confusion and clever manipulation of a drama class and its students, that hospitals in the city were put on full alert and 900 students were sent home by the governor. The full scale of the hoax was not revealed until the following day when embarrassed school committee members faced the media and issued an apology to parents.
In 2001 Birmingham Council became embroiled in an April Fool's Day conspiracy involving Pebble Mill on the Bristol Road. They received what they thought was official notification from the BBC of severe structural damage to the BBC building, caused they were informed by a severe earth tremor. The council acted swiftly and informed the BBC that it had secured space in the Mailbox for all of the BBC staff and studio teams. This particular hoax was only discovered on the day of the move when Birmingham County Council received a fax message which simply read ' April Fools' and was accompanied by a fax message of the original notification. Michael Johnson, Assistant Director was questioned by Channel 4 in an embarrassing fiasco where Johnson looked bewildered and confused and clearly had no knowledge of events leading to the change of location of the BBC headquarters in Birmingham.
April Fool's Day is illegal in the Peoples Republic of China, Venezuela, Trinidad and Tobago, Alaska, Cuba and Bolivia.
http://www.birminghamuk.com
A Lawyers Favorite Lawyer Jokes
By: Richard A. Chapo
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they're boring.
Stories:
1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
Lawyer Jokes
Q: How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?
A: She has an extreme craving for baloney.
Q: What is the legal definition of "Appeal"?
A: Something a person slips on in a grocery store.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 12?
A: Your Honor.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What do you call a smiling, sober, courteous person at a bar association convention?
A: The caterer.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
A: Senator
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?
A: It comes with half of Ken's things and alimony.
Q: What's the difference between an attorney and a pit bull?
A: Jewelry.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: Watching your attorney drive over a cliff in your new Ferrari.
Q: What's the difference between lawyers and accountants?
A: At least accountants know they're boring.
Stories:
1. A man who had been caught embezzling millions went to a lawyer. His lawyer told him, "Don't worry. You'll never go to jail with all that money? In fact, when the man was sent to prison, he didn't have a dime.
2. As the lawyer awoke from surgery, he asked, "Why are all the blinds drawn?" The nurse answered, "There's a fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think you had died."
3. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. Satan heard this, laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
4. A lawyer is sitting at the desk in his new office. He hears someone coming to the door. To impress his first potential client, he picks up the phone as the door opens and says, "I demand one million and not a penny less." As he hangs up, the man now standing in his office says, "I'm here to hook up your phone."
And finally:
You Might Be A Lawyer If.... You are charging someone to read these jokes.
50 Ways to Say No To Sex and 50 Ways to Get Around Them
By: The Epic
There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They're fucking retarded.So without further bullshit...50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.
1."I just had my hair done"-Giving me a blow job won't mess your hair up at all.
2."I don't feel good."-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.
3."I don't want to get pregnant."-You can't get pregnant from a little anal.
4."Don't you respect me?"-I'll do more than respect you if you'll spread em.
5."No."-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.
6."I want my first time to be special."-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that'll suit you.
7."I want to wait until I'm married."-Good one,married couples don't fuck.
8."I'm not attracted to you like that."-Would you like another beer?
9."I don't want an STD"-Trust me,I don't have a green dick.
10."Go to hell"-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you'll take me there.
11."I have to take a shower."-Awesome,you know how to have fun.
12."My mother would kill me."-Fine,I'll bang her too so she don't get jealous.
13."I have a boyfriend,he'll be mad."-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.
14."If you loved me you'd wait until I was ready."-No,if you loved me you'd do anything for me.
15."We can have fun without having sex."-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don't stop me from playing it.
16."This isn't the right place."-Ok,my house isn't far away.
17."I have things to do."-Yeah...I'm waiting.
18."I have a headache."-I have Advil.I'll be ready in about 20 minutes.
19."Isn't this a bad place to do it?"-Now what's wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?
20."My car needs washed."-Oh good,I've never had sex in an automatic car wash before.
21."I'd feel slutty"-So,you probably should.
22."I'm tired."-Ok,get a power nap and I'll watch TV till you get back.
23."I have to take my clothes to the laundromat."Well aren't you going to need something fun to do while they wash?
24."I'm meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go."-Hmm...are your friends attractive?
25."Sorry bye!*leaves*"-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.
26."Sorry I'm meeting the Epic tonight."-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.
27."I would much rather go out for dinner."-Ok,how about after that?
28."Can't we do something else?"-Yes,but that's not the point.
29."My favorite TV show is on."-You have Tivo bitch.
30."I'm hunrgy."-How about eating a really big wiener?
31."I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age."-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.
32."There's a good movie playing tonight."-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.
33."No I hate you."-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.
34."I'm not in the mood."-Would you like a beer?
35."Mommy,the strange man is scaring me."-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.
36."I'm late for work."-Well since you're already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.
37."What do you think I am,some cheap slut?"-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?
38."I just took a shower."-But I bet you didn't take a golden shower.
39."I appriciate dinner,but that doesn't mean I'll have sex with you."-Waiter,seperate checks please.
40."Hold on,I have a phone call."-That's why they invented voicemail.
41."Aren't you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?"-How'd you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?
42."I'm a nun."-(Ok,why you'd hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)
43."It's that time of the month."-...god damn it.
44."I'm old enough to be your grandmother."-But you're not my grandmother so it's all good.
45."What if my daughter walks in?"-I'm thinking we can keep this all in the family.
46."Those people will be able to see us."-Oh,an audience.
47."I don't want you to think I'm easy."-I don't care if you are,you're making my penis hard.
48."Lets go golfing instead."-If we get lost in the wood I'll let you wash my balls.(I can't turn down a round of golf.)
49."All you men care about is sex."-That's right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don't you love me?
50."I'm lesbien."-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.
There you are.50 ways you'll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don't know yet.
There's a lot of stupid assed speakers and such in my school that come and talk to us about sex and saying no.Bullshit I say,they hand out papers with 50 ways to say no to sex.Being the nice guy I am I came up with 1 way to get around each of those sayings.Some of these were actually taken from the paper given.They're fucking retarded.So without further bullshit...50 Ways to Say No to Sex and 50 ways to get around them.
1."I just had my hair done"-Giving me a blow job won't mess your hair up at all.
2."I don't feel good."-You know they say eating penis helps with sickness.
3."I don't want to get pregnant."-You can't get pregnant from a little anal.
4."Don't you respect me?"-I'll do more than respect you if you'll spread em.
5."No."-Ok,you might want to just punch her and rape for this one.
6."I want my first time to be special."-We can break out the furry handcuffs if that'll suit you.
7."I want to wait until I'm married."-Good one,married couples don't fuck.
8."I'm not attracted to you like that."-Would you like another beer?
9."I don't want an STD"-Trust me,I don't have a green dick.
10."Go to hell"-I will after I go to heaven,that is if you'll take me there.
11."I have to take a shower."-Awesome,you know how to have fun.
12."My mother would kill me."-Fine,I'll bang her too so she don't get jealous.
13."I have a boyfriend,he'll be mad."-Your boyfriend is cheating on you.I know it hurts to hear,but I can make it all better.
14."If you loved me you'd wait until I was ready."-No,if you loved me you'd do anything for me.
15."We can have fun without having sex."-Yes,I could have fun without playing hockey,but that don't stop me from playing it.
16."This isn't the right place."-Ok,my house isn't far away.
17."I have things to do."-Yeah...I'm waiting.
18."I have a headache."-I have Advil.I'll be ready in about 20 minutes.
19."Isn't this a bad place to do it?"-Now what's wrong with a little sex in the McDonalds cooler now and then?
20."My car needs washed."-Oh good,I've never had sex in an automatic car wash before.
21."I'd feel slutty"-So,you probably should.
22."I'm tired."-Ok,get a power nap and I'll watch TV till you get back.
23."I have to take my clothes to the laundromat."Well aren't you going to need something fun to do while they wash?
24."I'm meeting my friends tonight for dinner.I have to go."-Hmm...are your friends attractive?
25."Sorry bye!*leaves*"-*Catches with rope.*You know the drill.
26."Sorry I'm meeting the Epic tonight."-Ok,there really is nothing that will keep a woman from seeing me.
27."I would much rather go out for dinner."-Ok,how about after that?
28."Can't we do something else?"-Yes,but that's not the point.
29."My favorite TV show is on."-You have Tivo bitch.
30."I'm hunrgy."-How about eating a really big wiener?
31."I have too much respect for myself to have sex at an early age."-I respect you enough to want in your pants.That deserves something.
32."There's a good movie playing tonight."-Yeah,a nice dark place.Sounds kinky.
33."No I hate you."-Well you can hate me and punish my peter any day of the week.
34."I'm not in the mood."-Would you like a beer?
35."Mommy,the strange man is scaring me."-Listen I have Jolly Ranchers,just get in the god damned van.
36."I'm late for work."-Well since you're already in trouble you may as well have fun before you get yelled at.
37."What do you think I am,some cheap slut?"-Ok maybe 10 was a little low,how about 100?
38."I just took a shower."-But I bet you didn't take a golden shower.
39."I appriciate dinner,but that doesn't mean I'll have sex with you."-Waiter,seperate checks please.
40."Hold on,I have a phone call."-That's why they invented voicemail.
41."Aren't you the kid that had his ass duct taped in the 11th grade?"-How'd you like to be the girl that got her ass taped into by *insert full name here*?
42."I'm a nun."-(Ok,why you'd hit on a nun evades me,but oh well.)
43."It's that time of the month."-...god damn it.
44."I'm old enough to be your grandmother."-But you're not my grandmother so it's all good.
45."What if my daughter walks in?"-I'm thinking we can keep this all in the family.
46."Those people will be able to see us."-Oh,an audience.
47."I don't want you to think I'm easy."-I don't care if you are,you're making my penis hard.
48."Lets go golfing instead."-If we get lost in the wood I'll let you wash my balls.(I can't turn down a round of golf.)
49."All you men care about is sex."-That's right,all of my caring is spent towards you.Don't you love me?
50."I'm lesbien."-Turn off the lights,there will be no difference between me and the strap on.
There you are.50 ways you'll be having sex in no time.These are not guarenteed to work,but how could they not?I may come out with another one of these,I don't know yet.
Four Marketing Musts
By: Matt McGovern
One of your most important jobs as a solo professional or small business owner is to generate interest in and demand for your products or services. But if you're like many entrepreneurs, you discover finding time for marketing to be elusive. Much of what you could be doing remains undone--and without some form of marketing your business growth stalls.
To help get you untracked, here are my four marketing "musts" for small business owners. Integrate these four fundamentals and you're sure to feel more confident going forward . . . and more able to plan a bigger "bang" for your time and efforts.
1. MAKE MARKETING YOUR MINDSET
Make marketing a subconscious element of all that you do. This doesn't mean you should be in "hard sell" mode all the time, but it does mean you need to develop a mindset where you view every interaction with someone--planned or otherwise--by phone, by email or in-person as a marketing opportunity.
2. MAKE YOUR MARKETING SUSTAINABLE
For marketing to work, you need to be able to sustain your efforts over time. You might develop the most effective plan, but if you can't implement that plan because it's too costly, too complicated, or you simply don't have the time to commit to it, then your efforts will fail.
Plan your marketing in phases. Start with low-hanging fruit. Get a couple of small victories under your belt. Note what worked, what didn't work, what felt most "right" for you . . . and keep moving forward.
3. MAKE IT ROUTINE
Without structure or routine built around your marketing efforts, you're likely to lose focus and get distracted--something that's all too easy for solo professionals and the self-employed to do.
One easy way to add structure is to create an overall marketing plan that outlines for you exactly what you hope to accomplish and when. You can then supplement this with shorter-term, action-oriented "to-do" lists aimed at reaching your marketing goals.
A word of caution, however, don't make "structure" your end-product. Consider structure only as a means to get the results you desire. This does not have to be a painful exercise--my plan and various lists usually fill only one or two pages. What's important is that there's always something to do . . . and that something always gets done.
You'll also want to maintain an element of flexibility in all that you put on paper or commit to your computer screen. Create your plans and follow them knowing that from week-to-week and month-to-month your objectives can--and most likely will--change.
4. MAKE TIME
Allot time each week to pursue your marketing goals. Pull out your calendar right now and schedule an appointment with yourself. It could be an hour, two hours or three--whatever you need to keep moving forward. It could be the same day each week, it could be different days. Whatever you choose, honor this commitment of time. Make it sacred.
MAKE MARKETING MORE AUTOMATIC
Remember, marketing doesn't happen in a vacuum, nor is it automatic. You have to tell people why they should want to buy your product or service--and then tell them again.
Only once you've adopted a marketing mindset and are willing to commit the time and energy necessary to sustain your marketing efforts--only then will your marketing become more automatic, more natural . . . and more successful.
One of your most important jobs as a solo professional or small business owner is to generate interest in and demand for your products or services. But if you're like many entrepreneurs, you discover finding time for marketing to be elusive. Much of what you could be doing remains undone--and without some form of marketing your business growth stalls.
To help get you untracked, here are my four marketing "musts" for small business owners. Integrate these four fundamentals and you're sure to feel more confident going forward . . . and more able to plan a bigger "bang" for your time and efforts.
1. MAKE MARKETING YOUR MINDSET
Make marketing a subconscious element of all that you do. This doesn't mean you should be in "hard sell" mode all the time, but it does mean you need to develop a mindset where you view every interaction with someone--planned or otherwise--by phone, by email or in-person as a marketing opportunity.
2. MAKE YOUR MARKETING SUSTAINABLE
For marketing to work, you need to be able to sustain your efforts over time. You might develop the most effective plan, but if you can't implement that plan because it's too costly, too complicated, or you simply don't have the time to commit to it, then your efforts will fail.
Plan your marketing in phases. Start with low-hanging fruit. Get a couple of small victories under your belt. Note what worked, what didn't work, what felt most "right" for you . . . and keep moving forward.
3. MAKE IT ROUTINE
Without structure or routine built around your marketing efforts, you're likely to lose focus and get distracted--something that's all too easy for solo professionals and the self-employed to do.
One easy way to add structure is to create an overall marketing plan that outlines for you exactly what you hope to accomplish and when. You can then supplement this with shorter-term, action-oriented "to-do" lists aimed at reaching your marketing goals.
A word of caution, however, don't make "structure" your end-product. Consider structure only as a means to get the results you desire. This does not have to be a painful exercise--my plan and various lists usually fill only one or two pages. What's important is that there's always something to do . . . and that something always gets done.
You'll also want to maintain an element of flexibility in all that you put on paper or commit to your computer screen. Create your plans and follow them knowing that from week-to-week and month-to-month your objectives can--and most likely will--change.
4. MAKE TIME
Allot time each week to pursue your marketing goals. Pull out your calendar right now and schedule an appointment with yourself. It could be an hour, two hours or three--whatever you need to keep moving forward. It could be the same day each week, it could be different days. Whatever you choose, honor this commitment of time. Make it sacred.
MAKE MARKETING MORE AUTOMATIC
Remember, marketing doesn't happen in a vacuum, nor is it automatic. You have to tell people why they should want to buy your product or service--and then tell them again.
Only once you've adopted a marketing mindset and are willing to commit the time and energy necessary to sustain your marketing efforts--only then will your marketing become more automatic, more natural . . . and more successful.
Welding Helmet
By: Kaitlin Carruth
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home. Here are just a few ways you might find yourself in need of a welding helmet:
1. You can't find your bike helmet.
2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself.
3. You do not know your science very well but you think it would be cool to make your own fireworks.
4. You are scared of identity theft.
5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things.
6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson's and you are playing the part of Homer in the
nuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick).
7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky.
8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet.
9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won't forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week.
10. If you are scared of the sun giving you wrinkles or skin cancer, you could use a welding helmet to protect yourself from the sun's harmful rays.
11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on.
12. You can't find your sunglasses.
13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing.
14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions.
15. You are a celebrity and you don't want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you.
16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality.
17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you.
18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine.
19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed.
20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you.
21. You had an extremely bad haircut.
22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes.
23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal).
24. You don't ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding
something anytime soon.
These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it.
A welding helmet is a safety device worn for protection while one is welding; however, there are definitely many other uses for a welding helmet. A welding helmet is a very practical that should be found in every home. Here are just a few ways you might find yourself in need of a welding helmet:
1. You can't find your bike helmet.
2. You lost your Darth Vader mask on the opening day of a Star Wars movie. A welding helmet is a good substitute; however, you will have to mimic the Darth Vader breathing noises yourself.
3. You do not know your science very well but you think it would be cool to make your own fireworks.
4. You are scared of identity theft.
5. You wear a welding helmet in hopes of attracting women, making it clear to them that you are manly and can fix things.
6. You want to reenact the opening credits from The Simpson's and you are playing the part of Homer in the
nuclear power plant (in this case, you will also need a glow stick).
7. You think that cartoons are real and there is a possibility of an anvil dropping from the sky.
8. If people who look at you turn into stone then you might want to wear a welding helmet.
9. You want to give your kids a punishment they won't forget and decide to make them wear the welding helmet to school for a week.
10. If you are scared of the sun giving you wrinkles or skin cancer, you could use a welding helmet to protect yourself from the sun's harmful rays.
11. You have horrendously bad breath and/or forgot to put you makeup on.
12. You can't find your sunglasses.
13. You are someone who always wants to be on top of fashion and thinks that welding helmets could be the new thing.
14. You are sick of relatives pinching your cheeks at family reunions.
15. You are a celebrity and you don't want the paparazzi taking any pictures of you.
16. You are sick of shallow people falling for you because of your looks and want people to like you for your witty humor. Wearing a welding helmet would definitely be a way to see if that special someone likes you because of your personality.
17. You think that the end of the world is near and somehow a welding helmet will save you.
18. You want people to think that you are weird, have learning problems, or that you are half man and half machine.
19. You want to do your own rendition of Phantom of the Opera called Phantom of the Tool Shed.
20. You think that your partner in your science lab class secretly wants to destroy you.
21. You had an extremely bad haircut.
22. You think you are like Cyclops from X-Men and you have uncontrollable optic blasts from your eyes.
23. You want to scare little children. (Carrying a blow torch and laughing will also help you in this goal).
24. You don't ever want to have a boyfriend/girlfriend.
25. And I guess you might possibly want a welding helmet if you think you will possibly be welding
something anytime soon.
These are just a few of the reasons that it is probably a good idea for you to wear a welding helmet. After you get your own welding helmet, I am sure that you will find this list to be very limited and you will find thousands of other uses for it.
Construction laborer Christian G. (L) admitted at the start of his trial in the city of Essen on Wednesday that he had killed two women he had met through Internet networking sites. But he denies premeditated murder.
German Chatroom Addict on Trial for Two Murders
A German man who met around 150 women in Internet chat rooms went on trial in Germany on Wednesday charged with murdering two of them. Dubbed "Germany's First Internet Murderer" in the press, he has confessed to the killings, but denies he's a serial killer.A 27-year-old German construction laborer obsessed with flirting on the Internet confessed to killing two of the approximately 150 women he had met through chat roooms, but denied murder at the start of his trial on Wednesday in the western city of Essen.
Police believe the man, named only as Christian G. and dubbed "Germany's first Internet Murderer" in the tabloid press, would have continued killing women if he hadn't been arrested. He admitted killing Jessica K., 26, and Regina B., 39, after meeting them for sex last year but sought to avoid a murder conviction by claiming one killing was an accident and the other resulted from an uncontrollable fit of rage that stemmed from his traumatic childhood.
Chat Forum Knuddels.de. Christian G. used this Web site and others to get in touch with hundreds of women. He says he met around 150 of them in person.
Christian G. denies that he's a serial killer, saying that he had personally met over 150 women after getting to know them through the Internet. "They're all still alive," he said. But the prosecution accuses him of premeditated killing. He is charged with murdering Jessica K. on June 5 last year in a park in the northern town of Stade. He is also accused of killing Regina B. 12 days later by stabbing her 26 times.
Christian G. led a parallel life in the Internet, calling himself "rid****300" and "rosenboy0207" and wooing his chat room partners with love poems and photos of himself.On Wednesday Christian G. -- a powerfully built man who is 1.93 metres tall and who has a closely shaved head, moustache and small chin beard -- had his lawyer Burkhard Benecken read out a statement to the court in which he said he had spent his life "almost exclusively in chat rooms" for several years.
"Over the years I established at least 300 contacts via such networking sites. I met at least 100, if not 150 women, in person. I had sexual relations with many of them.""From my point of view the Internet was the ideal way to meet people because you get talking to people very quickly and almost all visitors, male and female, are looking for sexual contact. "I was extremely important to me that I had a good reputation in the chat room."
The body of Christian G's first victim, 26-year-old Jessica K., was recovered two weeks after he killed her in June 2008. He says the death was an accident. He also admits killing 39-year-old Regina B. 12 days later.
His reputation still seems to be important to him. While in custody he asked friends to find out what was being written about him in the Internet. His request for an Internet connection in his jail cell has been denied. "I spent whole nights in these chat rooms and I saw them as my family," Christian G. said in the statement. He looked down at his folded hands or calmly surveyed the courtroom as the lawyer read out his words.
He said he had met Jessica K. for outdoor sex and had killed her by accident while they were having an argument. He said he had grabbed her neck tightly once and that she had collapsed on the ground. He claims that traces of her blood found on the soles of his shoes can be explained by the fact that she had a nosebleed while they were walking through the town together. The precise cause of death has never been determined because Jessica K.'s body wasn't found until two weeks later, by which time it had partly decomposed.
Christian G. led a parallel life in the Internet, calling himself "rid****300" and "rosenboy0207" and wooing his chat room partners with love poems and photos of himself.
Christian G. said Regina, a mother of three, had threatened to accuse him of rape after he refused to lend her money and enter into a firm relationship. When he confronted her while she was walking her dog, she shouted at him: "What do you want, you rapist?"He said those words caused a flashback to his traumatic childhood. "Conditions in my family were more than disastrous. My father was an incredibly brutal person," said Christian G. He said he once saw his father rape his mother.
"I can still remember my mother's cries for help," Christian G. said, adding that anger and fear had driven him to kill. He said he couldn't remember details of the deed."I felt remote controlled. I can only say that if Regina hadn't said things like that to me, and especially if she hadn't called me a rapist, she would definitely be alive today."
Types of Girls ( Computer Humor )
CD-ROM GIRLS
She is always faster and faster.
***********
EMAIL GIRLS
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
***********
HARD DISK GIRLS
She remembers everything, FOREVER
***********
INTERNET GIRLS
Difficult to access
***********
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She make horrible thing look beautiful
***********
SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
***********
RAM GIRLS
She forget about you, the moment turn her off
***********
WINDOW GIRLS
Everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
***********
VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything.. .
***********
SERVER GIRLS
Always busy when you need her.
She is always faster and faster.
***********
EMAIL GIRLS
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense .
***********
HARD DISK GIRLS
She remembers everything, FOREVER
***********
INTERNET GIRLS
Difficult to access
***********
MULTIMEDIA GIRLS
She make horrible thing look beautiful
***********
SCREENSAVER GIRLS
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun
***********
RAM GIRLS
She forget about you, the moment turn her off
***********
WINDOW GIRLS
Everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
***********
VIRUS GIRLS
Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything.. .
***********
SERVER GIRLS
Always busy when you need her.
Bad Hearing
A old man told his doctor, "I don't think my wife's hearing is as good as it used to be. What should I do?"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"
She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"
The doctor replied, "Try this test first. When your wife is at the sink doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question. If she doesn't respond, keep moving closer, asking the question until she hears you."
He went home and saw his wife preparing dinner. Standing fifteen feet behind her he said, "What's for dinner, honey?" Hearing no reply, he moved up to ten feet behind her and repeated the question. Still no reply, so he moved to five feet. Finally he stood directly behind her and said, "Honey, what's for dinner tonight?"
She turned around and yelled in his face, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN, you deaf old fart!"
Saturday, January 17, 2009
The Penguin Joke...
Author: blckhllsgrl
The Penguin Joke...
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
Oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla
Ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying
To eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
The mechanic if hes found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "it looks like you've blown
A seal".
"No, no, no!" the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "its just ice cream!"
The Penguin Joke...
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona and sees that the car's
Oil pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the
motor. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.
After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town.
He sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that
something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla
Ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands, he makes a real mess trying
To eat with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks
The mechanic if hes found the problem.
The mechanic looks up from the engine and says, "it looks like you've blown
A seal".
"No, no, no!" the penguin replies, wiping his mouth, "its just ice cream!"
20 rules to DRUNK DIALING....
Author: unknown
20 rules to DRUNK DIALING....
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the AM asking them to bend you over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. - not funny, right Carlos?! :)
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let him know, that you know, that he still loves you. Then explain to him that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the AM usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" - LOL!!
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
Articles
20 rules to DRUNK DIALING....
1. Only drunk dial when you are drunk. Everything else is false advertisement.
2.It is okay to call someone 27 times in one night. If you don't remember it, it didn't happen.
3.If you are going to drunk dial a family member, say something nice. "Mom I'm in McDonald's and they're playing our song. I love you"
4.Dirty talk while drunk dialing is always preferred. Who doesn't want to hear your best raspy, phone sex voice at 3 in the AM asking them to bend you over something.
5.Voicemails are always better. This way your friend can let their friends have fun at your expense for days, even weeks to come. - not funny, right Carlos?! :)
6.Drunk texting is alright... If you are prepared to read what you wrote the next day when you are sober.
7.It is definitely a good idea to call all of your exes and remind them that you were the best lover they've ever had and everything they know, they learned from you. This way you can sleep well at night.
8.You can also call this same ex and let him know, that you know, that he still loves you. Then explain to him that I would still love me too!
9.If you are a frequent dialer, never get mad if someone dials you. Be happy they thought of you in this special time.
10.It is always a good idea to sing on someone's answering machine or voicemail. Especially a show tune.
11.Drunk dialing should be fun and light hearted or dirty and sex crazed... Never angry.
12.Most likely you will never drunk dial your best friends. They are usually the ones taking your phone away and reminding you that "you have a problem".
13.If you deleted a number sober, it was probably for a good reason. Do not try to retrieve this number. Nothing good can come from it.
14.Always call someone you know. Finding random numbers in phone books is bad and usually leads to angry dialing.
15.If your cell phone dies, remember everything happens for a reason. Never borrow a friend's phone to do your dialing
16. Drunk dialing to foreign country is usually to costly to be a good idea. But if feel like if you don't call this person you'll just die, brake rule 15 and use a friend's phone.
17.Drunk dialing may lead to drunk muffin stuffing.... Be prepared.
18.When dialing remember that "hanging out" at 3 in the AM usually doesn't involve cards it's probably going to be more like cheap lube and handcuffs. So be prepared when you really do want to play X-box when your drunk..... "you want me to do what with your box? Play with it?" - LOL!!
19.Don't drunk dial in the pool, tub, or rainstorm. It only ends up with you blow drying your phone when your far to drunk to be using electronics and you wont be able to drunk dial anymore that night.
20.Never, I repeat, never drunk dial your boss, preacher-grandpa, or friend's parents. If you are that hard up to call someone, there is an 800 number on Budweiser boxes. The person on the other line always sounds cute, plus I think they are used to drunk dialers.
Articles
Military Jokes and Humor Military Word-Phrase Origins
Author: Rod Powers
Military Word-Phrase Origins
HORRIBLE ETYMOLOGICAL REVELATION. In 1941 American military etymology lovers discovered with horror that the abbreviation CINCUS (Commander-in-Chief, US Fleet) implied the invitation to the enemy 'Sink Us'. The abbreviation abetting the enemy was hastily changed.
ETYMOLOGY TORPEDOED. Everybody knows about that naval weapon 'torpedo'. But only few people are aware of the connection of this word with the fish world though the torpedo was often called a 'tin-fish', a 'kipper', etc. The word 'torpedo' is a metaphorical transfer from the name in Latin of an electric ray from the family Torpedinidae which possesses a peculiar organ enabling it to stun its prey with electric shock.
EIGHTBALL. 'Eightball' is a highly uncomplimentary slang word standing for a rather objectionable character ('gold brick', 'goof').
The word owes its origin to the billiard game where the number 8 ball has some restrictive associations which make it an object of disapproval. Namely, in a pocket billiard game, popular in the USA, the player loses if he directs the eight ball into the pocket. Hence, the phrase 'be behind the eightball' (in trouble). In the Army the word has likely connections with the expression 'Section 8' which was a section of provisions specifying the reasons for discharge from military service. 'Section 8' defined the reasons for discharge for reasons of mental, psychiatric deficiencies and therefore 'Section 8' figuratively means a 'psycho', a 'moron'.
DRONE. A drone is a collective name for pilotless aircraft. But original meaning was and is 'the male of the honeybee and other bees'. This particular kind of the insect through clear associations was connected with such notions as 'one who lives on the labor of others', 'an idler', 'a sluggard'.
These associations underlie the transfer of the meaning to an aircraft which was steered by remote control without a pilot. Initially, pilotless aircraft were used as air targets for training AA gun crews. These targets were marked with black stripes along the tail part of the fuselage. These stripes looked like those of a drone (the insect). Hence, the nickname. Nowadays pilotless aircraft are distinguished as drones and RPVs (remotely-piloted vehicles). Drones are program-guided while RPVs are piloted from a distance by operators. It is curious to know that bomber air crews called jokingly air gunners 'drones'. Probably because air gunners were idle during flights and had only lots of things to do when firing at enemy fighters.
SEESAW BATTLE. 'Seesaw battle' is fighting with unconclusive result for both sides, with ups and down of war luck. A very well-known plaything of children (a rocking plank with a support at the middle) used to provide fun for kids was associated with some combat operations. British also use the phrase 'ding-dong battle' where 'ding-dong' is a figurative expression of back and forth motion of the knocker of a bell.
DEADLINE. This word is now a term. Its principal meanings are 'date limits', 'state of disrepair'. It's interesting to trace the development of this signification from the original meaning.
'Deadline' in jails meant the line in the yard where prisoners used to walk beyond which they had not to go. Guards could shoot dead any inmate crossing it. Hence the meaning (date or time) 'limit'. Vehicles with a long service period were scheduled to be sent to a maintenance shop for repair after a definite date (deadline). Those under repair were said to be 'deadlined'.
ABBREVIATIONS
(which do not abbreviate anything)
SOS. This abbreviation known throughout the world as the international distress signal, transmitted by Morse code by ships at sea or aircraft in emergency, is often decyphered as spelling 'Save Our Souls'.
Though this interpretation seems very romantic it has nothing to do with the real meaning. SOS is the simplest combination of dots and dashes to be easily memorized by any radio operator or listener. OVRA. This abbreviation fortunately is not any longer known to younger generations. But in the recent past it was as well familiar as German 'Ges-tapo'. OVRA meant Italy's secret police during the fascist regime. Mussolini chose this haphazard combination of letters with a purpose to impress Italian people with the mystery of the meaning. He said the more mysterious this abbreviation would look the more fear these four letters would inspire.
DITCHING. How the word meaning a 'ditch' (trench as an excavation) came to mean 'forced landing by aircraft on water at sea'?
During WWII British aircraft returning from missions in Germany had to fly over the English Channel. In the sailors' lingo the word 'channel' has a familiar synonym 'ditch'. Hence, the English Channel was called the 'Ditch'. Naturally aircraft made emergency landing in the Ditch. They were 'ditched'. Now the word 'ditch' means 'to land planes in emergency on the sea anywhere' (for example, such terms as 'ditching exercise', 'ditching drill', etc.).
SWEEPING AGAIN. In addition to what the reader may know about this word we may point out the humorous phrase 'Admiral's Broom' which is nearly close in meaning to the expression 'Marshal's baton' proverbially carried by every soldier in his knapsack.
The Dutch Admiral, Marten Tromp, beat the English fleet in 1652. He allegedly sailed up the Channel with a broom at his masthead in token of his ability to sweep the seas of the enemy.
KNOWING THE ROPES. Phraseology connected with the sea and sailors and sailing pervades the English vocabulary. Here are some of the phrases of naval origin.
Know the ropes - know everything thoroughly about a subject. In the era of the sail fleets it took a lot of effort for a sailor to learn everything about the rigging of the ship (made up of canvas sails and ropes) and its manipulation. The expression 'know the hang' of something is of the same origin (know how to set up - 'hang' - various sails).
Of naval origin are such well-known phrases as 'full steam ahead', 'keep steady'. To naval activities belong 'steer clear of-avoid; 'torpedo an undertaking (conference)'; 'be three sheets in the wind', 'half seas over'-be drunk; 'go overboard'; 'clear the decks (for action)'-prepare for something; 'fire abroadside'-apply effort; 'lie of the land'- general situation-'See how the land lies'; 'Weigh anchor'-move off, and very many others.
SABOTAGE. This word meaning in English 'malicious injury to work, tools, machinery, etc., or any underhand interference with production or business, by enemy agents during wartime' should be traced to the French word 'sabot'-a shoe with a thick wooden sole. What has a shoe in common with the above mentioned meanings?
French workers used to show their protest against bosses with knocking with their sabots. Sometimes sabots were thrown into machinery to damage it. Hence 'saboteurs', acts of sabotage'.
CODE NAMES. Code names in military English include such words and expressions which are used as nicknames' (an official word) for naming operations, weapons, plans, etc. Code names, in their primary meaning, do not have any logical connection with what they designate. They are mainly designed to cover (conceal) the thing they represent to all persons who do not know their prearranged meaning.
Here are some examples. In WWII the code name 'Alsos mission' was the cover name for a large-scale operation engineered and conducted by the American strategic secret service in the late period of the war to find and evacuate to the USA all prominent atomic scientists in Europe. 'Alsos' is Greek for 'grove' (small wood). The military leader of the American A-bomb development project (Manhattan Project) was General L.R. Groves. The code name 'Husky' was given to the operations plan of American landing in North Africa in 1943. The primary meaning of the word ('Eskimo dog') suggested something connected with the North (maybe just North Africa) but was deliberately misleading (Africa can hardly be thought as a country in the North). Nothing may be seen in the well-known nickname 'Overlord' of the Anglo-American invasion of Europe across the English Channel in 1944. It was just a cover word.
Sometimes such names have peculiar origin. They say that an American general in charge of the R&D project of a tactical missile was asked: "How should we name this missile?" and exclaimed: "Honest John!" (which was an exclamation expressing ignorance). And the missile was named 'Honest John'.
Names of weapons in the US Armed Forces are chosen to provide pompous designations of propagandistic significance, for example, 'Titan', 'Nike', 'Spartan' (to name but few missiles), 'Phantom', 'Cobra', 'Shooting Star' (aircraft). 'Samaritan' is the British name for an ambulance vehicle. Here some connection may be seen between the form and the meaning. Samaritan (from the bible) is 'one who is compassionate to a fellow being in distress' (compare the biblical 'good Samaritan'). Another British special combat vehicle for the battlefield recovery (extraction) of damaged and stuck mobile equipment was nicknamed 'Samson' (after the mythical performer of Herculean exploits).
'Brimstone Project' was the code name of the siting of Minuteman ballistic missiles in abandoned sulphur and copper ore mines.
WHAT GENDER AND WHAT SEX? Why a ship is referred to as 'she'? But why a military ship is called 'man of war'? Now etymologists also ask what sex a computer is. A wit says that computers are feminine. They are admitted for their configurations, he explained. They have the ability of total recall and correct all mistakes (by men). They also predict future foolishness '(of men). And, of course, they are always right.
A DOSAGE OF ETYMOLOGICAL ANALYSIS. Ammunition. From the French 'munition' (all war essentials).
Bullet. From the French 'boule' (ball) -any projectile (cannon or musket). Compare the modern term 'ball cartridge' (sharp ammo).
Grenade. From the Latin 'granatus' (seedy).
Gun. From Old Norse 'Gunnhildr' (a woman's name). Weapons often received feminine names.
Missile. From Latin 'missilis' (a weapon or other object thrown or projected).
ATTACKING CISTERNS. This combination sounds like a pun or a phrase from a sci-fic story. But 'cisterns' was the code name suggested at first to conceal new weapons developed by the British in WWI. Instead of "cisterns' these weapons were shipped as 'water tanks'. Hence tanks were called 'tanks.'
TATTOO. Originated during the Thirty Years War, and called the Zapfenstreich. At 9:00 p.m. when the call was sounded, all bungs (Zapfen) (sticks used to cork wine barrels) had to be in their barrels, signifying the end of the drinking bout. A check line (Streich) was then drawn across the bung by the guard so that it couldn't be opened without evidence of tampering. Bungs were translated in English as taps and the whole command as 'Tap to' that became 'Tattoo'.
Military Word-Phrase Origins
HORRIBLE ETYMOLOGICAL REVELATION. In 1941 American military etymology lovers discovered with horror that the abbreviation CINCUS (Commander-in-Chief, US Fleet) implied the invitation to the enemy 'Sink Us'. The abbreviation abetting the enemy was hastily changed.
ETYMOLOGY TORPEDOED. Everybody knows about that naval weapon 'torpedo'. But only few people are aware of the connection of this word with the fish world though the torpedo was often called a 'tin-fish', a 'kipper', etc. The word 'torpedo' is a metaphorical transfer from the name in Latin of an electric ray from the family Torpedinidae which possesses a peculiar organ enabling it to stun its prey with electric shock.
EIGHTBALL. 'Eightball' is a highly uncomplimentary slang word standing for a rather objectionable character ('gold brick', 'goof').
The word owes its origin to the billiard game where the number 8 ball has some restrictive associations which make it an object of disapproval. Namely, in a pocket billiard game, popular in the USA, the player loses if he directs the eight ball into the pocket. Hence, the phrase 'be behind the eightball' (in trouble). In the Army the word has likely connections with the expression 'Section 8' which was a section of provisions specifying the reasons for discharge from military service. 'Section 8' defined the reasons for discharge for reasons of mental, psychiatric deficiencies and therefore 'Section 8' figuratively means a 'psycho', a 'moron'.
DRONE. A drone is a collective name for pilotless aircraft. But original meaning was and is 'the male of the honeybee and other bees'. This particular kind of the insect through clear associations was connected with such notions as 'one who lives on the labor of others', 'an idler', 'a sluggard'.
These associations underlie the transfer of the meaning to an aircraft which was steered by remote control without a pilot. Initially, pilotless aircraft were used as air targets for training AA gun crews. These targets were marked with black stripes along the tail part of the fuselage. These stripes looked like those of a drone (the insect). Hence, the nickname. Nowadays pilotless aircraft are distinguished as drones and RPVs (remotely-piloted vehicles). Drones are program-guided while RPVs are piloted from a distance by operators. It is curious to know that bomber air crews called jokingly air gunners 'drones'. Probably because air gunners were idle during flights and had only lots of things to do when firing at enemy fighters.
SEESAW BATTLE. 'Seesaw battle' is fighting with unconclusive result for both sides, with ups and down of war luck. A very well-known plaything of children (a rocking plank with a support at the middle) used to provide fun for kids was associated with some combat operations. British also use the phrase 'ding-dong battle' where 'ding-dong' is a figurative expression of back and forth motion of the knocker of a bell.
DEADLINE. This word is now a term. Its principal meanings are 'date limits', 'state of disrepair'. It's interesting to trace the development of this signification from the original meaning.
'Deadline' in jails meant the line in the yard where prisoners used to walk beyond which they had not to go. Guards could shoot dead any inmate crossing it. Hence the meaning (date or time) 'limit'. Vehicles with a long service period were scheduled to be sent to a maintenance shop for repair after a definite date (deadline). Those under repair were said to be 'deadlined'.
ABBREVIATIONS
(which do not abbreviate anything)
SOS. This abbreviation known throughout the world as the international distress signal, transmitted by Morse code by ships at sea or aircraft in emergency, is often decyphered as spelling 'Save Our Souls'.
Though this interpretation seems very romantic it has nothing to do with the real meaning. SOS is the simplest combination of dots and dashes to be easily memorized by any radio operator or listener. OVRA. This abbreviation fortunately is not any longer known to younger generations. But in the recent past it was as well familiar as German 'Ges-tapo'. OVRA meant Italy's secret police during the fascist regime. Mussolini chose this haphazard combination of letters with a purpose to impress Italian people with the mystery of the meaning. He said the more mysterious this abbreviation would look the more fear these four letters would inspire.
DITCHING. How the word meaning a 'ditch' (trench as an excavation) came to mean 'forced landing by aircraft on water at sea'?
During WWII British aircraft returning from missions in Germany had to fly over the English Channel. In the sailors' lingo the word 'channel' has a familiar synonym 'ditch'. Hence, the English Channel was called the 'Ditch'. Naturally aircraft made emergency landing in the Ditch. They were 'ditched'. Now the word 'ditch' means 'to land planes in emergency on the sea anywhere' (for example, such terms as 'ditching exercise', 'ditching drill', etc.).
SWEEPING AGAIN. In addition to what the reader may know about this word we may point out the humorous phrase 'Admiral's Broom' which is nearly close in meaning to the expression 'Marshal's baton' proverbially carried by every soldier in his knapsack.
The Dutch Admiral, Marten Tromp, beat the English fleet in 1652. He allegedly sailed up the Channel with a broom at his masthead in token of his ability to sweep the seas of the enemy.
KNOWING THE ROPES. Phraseology connected with the sea and sailors and sailing pervades the English vocabulary. Here are some of the phrases of naval origin.
Know the ropes - know everything thoroughly about a subject. In the era of the sail fleets it took a lot of effort for a sailor to learn everything about the rigging of the ship (made up of canvas sails and ropes) and its manipulation. The expression 'know the hang' of something is of the same origin (know how to set up - 'hang' - various sails).
Of naval origin are such well-known phrases as 'full steam ahead', 'keep steady'. To naval activities belong 'steer clear of-avoid; 'torpedo an undertaking (conference)'; 'be three sheets in the wind', 'half seas over'-be drunk; 'go overboard'; 'clear the decks (for action)'-prepare for something; 'fire abroadside'-apply effort; 'lie of the land'- general situation-'See how the land lies'; 'Weigh anchor'-move off, and very many others.
SABOTAGE. This word meaning in English 'malicious injury to work, tools, machinery, etc., or any underhand interference with production or business, by enemy agents during wartime' should be traced to the French word 'sabot'-a shoe with a thick wooden sole. What has a shoe in common with the above mentioned meanings?
French workers used to show their protest against bosses with knocking with their sabots. Sometimes sabots were thrown into machinery to damage it. Hence 'saboteurs', acts of sabotage'.
CODE NAMES. Code names in military English include such words and expressions which are used as nicknames' (an official word) for naming operations, weapons, plans, etc. Code names, in their primary meaning, do not have any logical connection with what they designate. They are mainly designed to cover (conceal) the thing they represent to all persons who do not know their prearranged meaning.
Here are some examples. In WWII the code name 'Alsos mission' was the cover name for a large-scale operation engineered and conducted by the American strategic secret service in the late period of the war to find and evacuate to the USA all prominent atomic scientists in Europe. 'Alsos' is Greek for 'grove' (small wood). The military leader of the American A-bomb development project (Manhattan Project) was General L.R. Groves. The code name 'Husky' was given to the operations plan of American landing in North Africa in 1943. The primary meaning of the word ('Eskimo dog') suggested something connected with the North (maybe just North Africa) but was deliberately misleading (Africa can hardly be thought as a country in the North). Nothing may be seen in the well-known nickname 'Overlord' of the Anglo-American invasion of Europe across the English Channel in 1944. It was just a cover word.
Sometimes such names have peculiar origin. They say that an American general in charge of the R&D project of a tactical missile was asked: "How should we name this missile?" and exclaimed: "Honest John!" (which was an exclamation expressing ignorance). And the missile was named 'Honest John'.
Names of weapons in the US Armed Forces are chosen to provide pompous designations of propagandistic significance, for example, 'Titan', 'Nike', 'Spartan' (to name but few missiles), 'Phantom', 'Cobra', 'Shooting Star' (aircraft). 'Samaritan' is the British name for an ambulance vehicle. Here some connection may be seen between the form and the meaning. Samaritan (from the bible) is 'one who is compassionate to a fellow being in distress' (compare the biblical 'good Samaritan'). Another British special combat vehicle for the battlefield recovery (extraction) of damaged and stuck mobile equipment was nicknamed 'Samson' (after the mythical performer of Herculean exploits).
'Brimstone Project' was the code name of the siting of Minuteman ballistic missiles in abandoned sulphur and copper ore mines.
WHAT GENDER AND WHAT SEX? Why a ship is referred to as 'she'? But why a military ship is called 'man of war'? Now etymologists also ask what sex a computer is. A wit says that computers are feminine. They are admitted for their configurations, he explained. They have the ability of total recall and correct all mistakes (by men). They also predict future foolishness '(of men). And, of course, they are always right.
A DOSAGE OF ETYMOLOGICAL ANALYSIS. Ammunition. From the French 'munition' (all war essentials).
Bullet. From the French 'boule' (ball) -any projectile (cannon or musket). Compare the modern term 'ball cartridge' (sharp ammo).
Grenade. From the Latin 'granatus' (seedy).
Gun. From Old Norse 'Gunnhildr' (a woman's name). Weapons often received feminine names.
Missile. From Latin 'missilis' (a weapon or other object thrown or projected).
ATTACKING CISTERNS. This combination sounds like a pun or a phrase from a sci-fic story. But 'cisterns' was the code name suggested at first to conceal new weapons developed by the British in WWI. Instead of "cisterns' these weapons were shipped as 'water tanks'. Hence tanks were called 'tanks.'
TATTOO. Originated during the Thirty Years War, and called the Zapfenstreich. At 9:00 p.m. when the call was sounded, all bungs (Zapfen) (sticks used to cork wine barrels) had to be in their barrels, signifying the end of the drinking bout. A check line (Streich) was then drawn across the bung by the guard so that it couldn't be opened without evidence of tampering. Bungs were translated in English as taps and the whole command as 'Tap to' that became 'Tattoo'.
Funny - Wrong Email Address
Author: Email
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following Day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I'll see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is hot down here!!!
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following Day.
The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.
Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I'll see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is hot down here!!!
What Had Happened Was..
Author: Email
"What Had Happened Was.."
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
--
Have a great day -
Sir Richard James, McDonald
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their substance
The rights of the individuals are restricted only to the extent that they have been voluntarily surrendered by the citizenship to the agencies of government.
City of Dallas v Mitchell, 245 S.W. 944
http://www.state-citizen.org/
(818) 703-5037 voice
"What Had Happened Was.."
The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words:
Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.
I thought my windows were down but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.
I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.
A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up, obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car.
I had been driving for 40 years when I feel asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
As I approached the intersection, a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
I told the police that I was not injured but on removing my hat, I found that I had a fractured skull.
I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him.
The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentlemen as he bounced off the hood of my car.
The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows.
The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its way when it struck my front end.
--
Have a great day -
Sir Richard James, McDonald
He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone, for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.
He has erected a multitude of New Offices, and sent hither swarms of Officers to harass our People, and eat out their substance
The rights of the individuals are restricted only to the extent that they have been voluntarily surrendered by the citizenship to the agencies of government.
City of Dallas v Mitchell, 245 S.W. 944
http://www.state-citizen.org/
(818) 703-5037 voice
SUMMARY OF MY LAST YEAR ON THE COMPUTER
Author: Email
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.
I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans .
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,Singapore , and Uzbekistan
I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...
Have a wonderful day....
Oh, by the way.....
A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Rant: Person with a wooden leg that lives above me.
Author: CraigsList.org
I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you're male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg.
It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims.
First of all, if you aren't a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I've lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind.
At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it can't be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight.
The reason I don't believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you're making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I haven't seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid.
I've tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying "It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth" only to get strange looks in return…as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real.
Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren't having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part.
Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe you're practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you're doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you're really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don't break into my apartment and steal my booty…or my food.
I have no idea who you are. I do not know if you're male, female, young, old, black, white, straight, gay, ambidextrous, or a midget. What I do know is this: You are almost certainly obese and have at least one wooden leg.
It is likely that I am completely off in my speculation, but at least hear me out. I do have some evidence that would warrant such claims.
First of all, if you aren't a manatee with at least one wooden appendage, I must assume then, that you do indeed have your feet blocked in cement. At the very least, you have a horrible case of elephantitis of the lower body causing your feet to stomp and drag and cause a great amount of disturbance. Now I've lived in apartments before, some being quite rowdy seeing as I did attend college for five years. Despite this, you my heavy hooved friend, are one of a kind.
At first I thought it might be sex. You know, the old headboard pounding the wall. I would be impressed if that were the case, but I doubt that. The noise moves when you move, so it can't be the headboard. If it were, then I would REALLY be impressed. Hell, you even knocked the light fixture off of the ceiling in my foyer after some intense peg-leg floor pounding. I was picking glass out of my feet for a few weeks after that! Not bad for what could potentially be some afternoon delight.
The reason I don't believe you are getting laid is because the noise occurs quite literally at ALL hours of the day. 4AM? You bet. 4PM? Sure shit. 1AM? Of course. 2:47PM? Why not? If I were able to link the noise to a certain time pattern or a certain location, I could be more certain it might be sex, say on a bed with wheels that moves freely about your place with each thrust. (As I type this now, you're making some pretty loud bumps and booms). Maybe you are just a really aggressive masturbator? Lastly, I haven't seen a single couple enter this building to confirm that fact that someone might be getting laid.
I've tried to describe the noise you create to many people saying "It quite literally sounds like an overweight pirate with one peg leg pacing back and forth" only to get strange looks in return…as you can imagine. Skeptical as they may be, their hesitations in believing my claims were put to rest as soon as they visited my apartment. One by one my friends, as well as some family, visited my place all to confirm the noises I reported were indeed, real.
Each of them spent a few minutes speculating about what the noise could potentially be. Honestly, the only thing we have all deduced is that you aren't having sex. This is undoubtedly, an unfortunate conclusion on your part.
Perhaps you are trying to teach yourself how to walk with stilts and you are trying to master the art one leg at a time before attempting both stilts at once. Maybe you're practicing for the Olympics in Chicago in 2016 and have set up some uneven bars and are trying desperately to stick the landing. Whatever you're doing, could you please ease up? I do not enjoy replacing all of my picture frames that have either fallen off my walls or from my shelves. Nor do I enjoy being awaken at all hours of the night only to have to wonder what it is you're really doing up there, whether they be innocent or slightly sexually deviant. My alarm goes off before 6AM due to having one of those job things so a good nights sleep is important. Thanks in advance and if you really are an obese pirate, please don't break into my apartment and steal my booty…or my food.
who put the dead bird in my mailbox?
Author: CraigsList.org
a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again
a) how did you get into my mailbox in the first place, it is locked
b) did you kill the bird
c) it died horribly, that much was clear
d) you're psycho
e) do I know you
f) if I do know you I don't want to know you
g) if I don't know you, what did I do to inspire you to put a dead bird in my mailbox
h) I don't know how to disinfect a mailbox from a dead bird, I'm worried about diseases and have used five different kinds of cleaner but still feel like the bird's still in there still and like my bills and my catalogues and my coupons have dead bird on them
i) it was a hummingbird, I looked it up - they don't even live in New York - this is so f*ing psycho, I can't believe this
j) are you the mailman?
k) I'm always nice to the mailman
l) the super didn't care when I told him what happened
m) the neighbors didn't care either
n) do you have some kind of problem with birds
o) don't put anything else in my mailbox
p) unless it's an apology
q) no, I take that back, I don't even want an apology
r) what am I supposed to do with this bird - it's in bubblewrap in a bag in a shoebox in the freezer right now - am I supposed to bury it - where? how? in a construction site where they've jackhammered through the concrete - where is a person supposed to bury things in this city?
s) I could drop it in the Gowanus canal, but that seems undignified
t) I could drop it in the ocean, but the ocean is so big and it is such a small bird
u) I could drop it in the toilet but it would probably get stuck
v) I hear this whirring around my ears every time I go to the mailbox and I'm pretty sure it's ghost bird, and I'm all "it wasn't me that killed you, bird!" but still the whirring doesn't go away until I get to the stairwell
w) am I supposed to eat it - maybe you were trying to feed me - don't you know I'm a vegetarian
x) if this was Ricky, I'm gonna beat your ass, mama told you stop bothering the zoo
y) if this was Gina, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how many times I gotta say I'm sorry
z) I could drop it off the roof, maybe it will reincarnate while falling and I can start reading my mail again
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Author: CraigsList.org
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a
failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end work--Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
For Sale—One (1) Wife, slightly used, 1964 Model
Needs muffler, as it is currently VERY LOUD. Intake valve is stuck in the open position.
Rear end needs major overhaul. A crack there has grown monstrously large.
Needs re-wiring—Many wires are currently crossed.
Lots of little dings in the body, which have been covered up with too much paint in a
failed effort at camouflaging them.
Needs re-upholstering—Carpet has turned a dingy gray.
Needs front-end work--Tits are too close to the ground, and knees are too far apart.
May not pass emissions test, as it currently produces foul clouds of malodorous gases on a regular basis,
Heater works great. Hot air is never in short supply..
Asking $500 or trade for 1984 model.
Second Cup
Author: CraigsList.org
To that girl who works at the Second Cup:
This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.
Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.
So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.
But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.
Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.
Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.
Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.
To that girl who works at the Second Cup:
This has been eating me, it just really hurt my feelings and I need to get it off my chest okay? You were like, totally mean to me. I was talking to my bf alright? I like him better than you, I'd rather talk to him than you, so next time could you just wait for me to hang up? Really, the line behind me isn't that long. You didn't have to look so bitchy, I was almost done, I mean, I was holding up my finger, that usually means wait! But you just went on to that next guy, so, like, I hung up for nothing? Anyway when you finally got around to me it was like you didn't even want to take my order. I was nice, okay? I know what I want is complicated, so I said it real slow so understand. It's a grande vanilla latte with two and a half pumps of the SUGAR-FREE syrup. And skim milk. But I want it extra hot, okay? To like 182.5 degrees. And no foam, I don't like foam, it's too much like when I used to eat my bubble bath as a kid. And, you know, the least you could do is double cup it, you know? A latte that hot could hurt me, I have sensitive hands.
Maybe you should, like, memorize this so that next time when I come in you recognize me and you know what I want right away. Yeah, whatever, you serve hundreds of people every day blah blah blah. I'm the orange spray tanned one with a purse I could fit a Doberman in. Oh and I'm usually wearing Uggs, they're just so comfy and stylish, you know? You should totally try to learn your customers' orders, it makes us happy.
So anyway, when you finally got my order right I asked you for an apple baba, not so hard. My phone rang while you went to get a plate, it was really important so I took it. Anyway my bf was RIGHT in the middle of telling me how cute I am when you TOTALLY interrupted to take my money. Like, was I not obviously in the middle of something? You'd think you could take a hint, like, if you tell me my total and I don't answer you'd just wait like any polite person, but no, you like basically yelled it at me, it was so embarrassing. I wasn't about to hang up again, okay? You're not the only one that exists! So fine, I'll give you your stupid money, you're lucky I have exact change, even if I have to dig for it a bit in my enormous purse. I'm doing you a favor get over it.
But, like, it's hard to count change and talk on the phone at the same time, you know? Really, if I wasn't on the phone I could count like a normal person, but give me a sec, I'm multitasking, the people behind me get it, we've all had to before.
Tip? No, sorry, Daddy doesn't like me spending my allowance on things I don't need.
Anyway, you and your friend who makes the drinks were really bitchy. I was just asking her to make sure it was sugar-free, alright? Geez, you'd think I insulted your moms or something.
Have a nice day yourself. When I come back tomorrow to spend four hours on Facebook I'm totally not going to be as nice as I was today.
Kissing lessons
Author: CraigsList.org
Are you a woman?
Are you tired of guys complaining that you are a horrible kisser?
Would you like to learn some new techniques in a fun and safe environment?
Well you are in luck my friend! Right now you can take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I'm offering FREE, thats right, absolutely FREE kissing lessons to the first 500 women who apply. So don't delay, those 500 free offers are going fast!
If you act RIGHT NOW you will receive training on the following types of kisses:
1.) French kissing
2.) Eskimo kissing
3.) Electric shock kissing
4.) Ear kissing
5.) Neck kissing
6.) Spiderman kissing
7.) Breath Kissing
8.) Underwater Kissing
9.) Vacuum Kissing
And much much more!!!!
So what are you waiting for?? Here are some testimonials from people just like you who have gone through this 5 hour course and come out the other side an expert kisser!!
"I used to kiss guys and their reaction was always the same, they would say "you are not a very good kisser, I'm dumping you". But now thanks to this amazing course I've received all kinds of compliments, and I'm married now!!" - Katie (A Real customer)
"I used to never get a date, but thanks to this kissing course I can really impress a guy with my tongue abilities, and he will overlook the fact that I am 600 pounds! All thanks to these amazing kissing lessons!!" - Jane (Not just a figment of my imagination)
There you have it, so what are YOU waiting for? Pick up the phone now! And then put it back down and send me an email for an awe inspiring experience!!
You won't regret it!!
Articles
Are you a woman?
Are you tired of guys complaining that you are a horrible kisser?
Would you like to learn some new techniques in a fun and safe environment?
Well you are in luck my friend! Right now you can take advantage of this once in a lifetime offer. I'm offering FREE, thats right, absolutely FREE kissing lessons to the first 500 women who apply. So don't delay, those 500 free offers are going fast!
If you act RIGHT NOW you will receive training on the following types of kisses:
1.) French kissing
2.) Eskimo kissing
3.) Electric shock kissing
4.) Ear kissing
5.) Neck kissing
6.) Spiderman kissing
7.) Breath Kissing
8.) Underwater Kissing
9.) Vacuum Kissing
And much much more!!!!
So what are you waiting for?? Here are some testimonials from people just like you who have gone through this 5 hour course and come out the other side an expert kisser!!
"I used to kiss guys and their reaction was always the same, they would say "you are not a very good kisser, I'm dumping you". But now thanks to this amazing course I've received all kinds of compliments, and I'm married now!!" - Katie (A Real customer)
"I used to never get a date, but thanks to this kissing course I can really impress a guy with my tongue abilities, and he will overlook the fact that I am 600 pounds! All thanks to these amazing kissing lessons!!" - Jane (Not just a figment of my imagination)
There you have it, so what are YOU waiting for? Pick up the phone now! And then put it back down and send me an email for an awe inspiring experience!!
You won't regret it!!
Articles
A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.
Author: CraigsList.org
A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.
I'm not.
I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers.
I'm not.
I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant.
But I'm not.
Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option.
I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that.
But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking.
I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good.
And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap.
Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask.
And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that.
So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.
I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours.
Thanks.
PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex
A public service announcement: Please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.
I'm not.
I know that I seem to be more of child bearing age than cancer producing age, and I know that my newly flat chest due to a recent double mastectomy makes my belly protrude and makes me look preggers.
I'm not.
I know also that, despite eating healthfully and exercising a ton, the roids and the hormone therapy I've had the pleasure to experience are to thank for the nice round tummy growing before my eyes. Hell, even I tend to think I look pregnant.
But I'm not.
Yes, I realize too that I tend to wear a lot of empire waist and babydoll dresses these days, further adding to the "pregnant look". but frankly, since most of my pants hide in fear when I approach them in the closet, these dresses are a much better option.
I'm flattered that maybe you think I'm "glowing". I guess 25 rounds of radiation will do that.
But please, PLEASE, unless you see my water breaking, don't ask me "Is it a boy or a girl?". Um, it's tamoxifen, thanks for asking.
I don't want to have to blurt out the truth any more than you want to hear it. But frankly, I'm tired of trying to make you feel better about your dumb mistake. Now, I just answer, "NOPE. It's cancer. Bellies look bigger when you've had your breasts removed." Sorry. I know you're probably driving home feeling stupid. Good.
And of course, the irony that you'll never know, is that I probably won't EVER be pregnant, thanks to all this lovely crap.
Don't you know that you never, unless you're absolutely sure, ask a woman if she's pregnant? You just don't. Ok, maybe if she's got her legs up in the air, is panting like a race horse, and someone with a surgical mask is yelling "PUSH" at her. But even then, you should really be sure before you ask.
And for god's sake, please, please PLEASE don't pat my belly. It's just fat and it's really embarassing when you do that.
So unless you literally see a baby's head poking out of my vagina, please stop asking me if I'm pregnant.
I kicked cancer's ass. I can certainly kick yours.
Thanks.
PS - To be fair, I should mention that I am somewhat flattered that people think I might actually be having sex
Breakup Lesson # 1 - Don't mess with someone who has naked pics of you
Author: CraigsList.org
6 years. 6 motherfucking years. What the hell. I had always figured we'd work it out. I chalked up your alcoholism, selfishness, infidelity, lying and depression to personality quirks that would work themselves out as you matured, despite the obvious contention that you had four years on me. I genuinely loved you and despite everything, I know you loved me too. I think I've learned that while you can't control who you love, you sure as hell can control whether or not you allow yourself to stay with them.
But 6 years kid. That's really what pisses me off the most. And we're not talking just any 6 years. 19-25. Those are my prime fucking years. Do you know how many times I shot down a sweet, charming, intelligent girl in line at starbucks. Or shunned the advances of the admittedly moronic but still dam sexy hipster girls at Estelle's. Oh, and that INCREDIBLE chick who I bought the car from and was nearly floored by the instant chemistry. Fuck yes, I took note of those situations and countless others. But the difference between you and I is that I have the character and morality to honor my word and I was faithful. In 6 years, not once did I so much as even slip.
Where is your character? You're comming up fast on 30.....you still drink until you pass out on the weekends. Your writing has been suffering and quickly sliding down hill for nearly two years now. You haven't been published in 6 months. You're starting to look weathered and rapidly approaching the stereotypical "bar whore" look. Honestly, I'm not saying this to hurt you. Granted I'm pissed. I really am. In my fucking bed? Seriously? You have your own fucking place? What was it, for the thrill? And then you have the nerve to call me an animal when I take a few swings at the guy after he threatens me in my own home? I bet he didn't seem quite so sexy laying on the floor of my bedroom crying about calling the police while holding his broken nose. Nice choice in men, gives me a reason to do some self reflection. And you wonder why I would never fuck you without a condom....
This life you've chosen. It's beyond destructive. And I feel sorry for you. I truly hope you get it together one day. You're talented, beautiful and deep, deep, deep, deep down.....somewhat of a decent person. But as for us. Not a chance.
So here's how this is going to work. I know we're both strong willed but kid, you know I always end up with the upper hand in life.
1) Your "perceived" infiltration into my social circles is hereby null and void. Because it's over (and I mean over) I can finally say, everyone hated you. You were rude, obnoxious, pretentious and trendy. Your intelligence is not an "excuse-all." Cutting people down shouldn't be a hobby. Don't call ANYONE, or do the usual "invite yourself" anywhere. Trust me, they won't be calling you. I've been hearing for 5 years how I need to leave you. In fact, we're having a party tomorrow and I fully plan on getting laid. If by chance, we stumble into each-other somewhere....YOU WILL LEAVE, immediately.
2) You will Fedex via Priority Overnight, first thing Monday morning, the following:
a) all my LP's
b) all documents I have saved on your computer (even though I have copies you plagiarizing bitch)
c) three shirts, two pairs of jeans, countless socks & boxers - no pervy you can't keem them,
d) my training gloves & heavy bag gloves
e) my ipod
f) my ideas notebook
g) any clippings you've made of my stories or articles (plagiarizing bitch)
3) the tiffany's ring - fucking keep it. I'd sell it and get a high class whore just to spite you anyway.
4) You may no longer speak to any member of my family. End of story. I know you and my mom are chummy, not anymore. she's getting the same talk. but in a much nicer way.
5) you are barred from the following establishments due to my usual patronage: the uptown barnes and noble, the green mill, danny's, club foot, estelle's, the lincoln tap and the zebra lounge. All the other common places are fair game, but please note the last sentence of stipulation #1
5 simple things and everything remains copacetic.
and why will you do all these things? especially when you're about the most vindictive and drama craving individual I know.
Because despite all the craziness we were extremely compatible in the bedroom. And hell, dare I go out on a limb and admit that maybe you were even just a tad kinkier than me? No doubt your subconscious recognized the fact that I was the more trustworthy of the two and hence the logic behind myself being the "keeper" of our visual record of our bedroom activities. thousands of them. and oddly enough, most of them are of you. of the two of us, I'm the one more comfortable with their body, I could give a shit if one of your friends sees my my cock or my ass. Hell, if I get drunk enough one night, they might just see it anyway. I know Amy has been bugging you for a threesome for years, something tells me she might just be a phone call away.
But let's keep this civil. No need for threats or anything of the sort. I just want my shit back and never, I MEAN NEVER, to see or hear from you again.
Sound fair?
6 months from now, if all the above conditions are met within a reasonable time frame you have my word I will delete them all. And my word.....well, we both know it's my bond.
Good luck to you kid. Hope you get it together.
6 years. 6 motherfucking years. What the hell. I had always figured we'd work it out. I chalked up your alcoholism, selfishness, infidelity, lying and depression to personality quirks that would work themselves out as you matured, despite the obvious contention that you had four years on me. I genuinely loved you and despite everything, I know you loved me too. I think I've learned that while you can't control who you love, you sure as hell can control whether or not you allow yourself to stay with them.
But 6 years kid. That's really what pisses me off the most. And we're not talking just any 6 years. 19-25. Those are my prime fucking years. Do you know how many times I shot down a sweet, charming, intelligent girl in line at starbucks. Or shunned the advances of the admittedly moronic but still dam sexy hipster girls at Estelle's. Oh, and that INCREDIBLE chick who I bought the car from and was nearly floored by the instant chemistry. Fuck yes, I took note of those situations and countless others. But the difference between you and I is that I have the character and morality to honor my word and I was faithful. In 6 years, not once did I so much as even slip.
Where is your character? You're comming up fast on 30.....you still drink until you pass out on the weekends. Your writing has been suffering and quickly sliding down hill for nearly two years now. You haven't been published in 6 months. You're starting to look weathered and rapidly approaching the stereotypical "bar whore" look. Honestly, I'm not saying this to hurt you. Granted I'm pissed. I really am. In my fucking bed? Seriously? You have your own fucking place? What was it, for the thrill? And then you have the nerve to call me an animal when I take a few swings at the guy after he threatens me in my own home? I bet he didn't seem quite so sexy laying on the floor of my bedroom crying about calling the police while holding his broken nose. Nice choice in men, gives me a reason to do some self reflection. And you wonder why I would never fuck you without a condom....
This life you've chosen. It's beyond destructive. And I feel sorry for you. I truly hope you get it together one day. You're talented, beautiful and deep, deep, deep, deep down.....somewhat of a decent person. But as for us. Not a chance.
So here's how this is going to work. I know we're both strong willed but kid, you know I always end up with the upper hand in life.
1) Your "perceived" infiltration into my social circles is hereby null and void. Because it's over (and I mean over) I can finally say, everyone hated you. You were rude, obnoxious, pretentious and trendy. Your intelligence is not an "excuse-all." Cutting people down shouldn't be a hobby. Don't call ANYONE, or do the usual "invite yourself" anywhere. Trust me, they won't be calling you. I've been hearing for 5 years how I need to leave you. In fact, we're having a party tomorrow and I fully plan on getting laid. If by chance, we stumble into each-other somewhere....YOU WILL LEAVE, immediately.
2) You will Fedex via Priority Overnight, first thing Monday morning, the following:
a) all my LP's
b) all documents I have saved on your computer (even though I have copies you plagiarizing bitch)
c) three shirts, two pairs of jeans, countless socks & boxers - no pervy you can't keem them,
d) my training gloves & heavy bag gloves
e) my ipod
f) my ideas notebook
g) any clippings you've made of my stories or articles (plagiarizing bitch)
3) the tiffany's ring - fucking keep it. I'd sell it and get a high class whore just to spite you anyway.
4) You may no longer speak to any member of my family. End of story. I know you and my mom are chummy, not anymore. she's getting the same talk. but in a much nicer way.
5) you are barred from the following establishments due to my usual patronage: the uptown barnes and noble, the green mill, danny's, club foot, estelle's, the lincoln tap and the zebra lounge. All the other common places are fair game, but please note the last sentence of stipulation #1
5 simple things and everything remains copacetic.
and why will you do all these things? especially when you're about the most vindictive and drama craving individual I know.
Because despite all the craziness we were extremely compatible in the bedroom. And hell, dare I go out on a limb and admit that maybe you were even just a tad kinkier than me? No doubt your subconscious recognized the fact that I was the more trustworthy of the two and hence the logic behind myself being the "keeper" of our visual record of our bedroom activities. thousands of them. and oddly enough, most of them are of you. of the two of us, I'm the one more comfortable with their body, I could give a shit if one of your friends sees my my cock or my ass. Hell, if I get drunk enough one night, they might just see it anyway. I know Amy has been bugging you for a threesome for years, something tells me she might just be a phone call away.
But let's keep this civil. No need for threats or anything of the sort. I just want my shit back and never, I MEAN NEVER, to see or hear from you again.
Sound fair?
6 months from now, if all the above conditions are met within a reasonable time frame you have my word I will delete them all. And my word.....well, we both know it's my bond.
Good luck to you kid. Hope you get it together.
12 Stage of Love
JANUARY - ROSE
FEBRUARY - PROPOSE
MARCH - GIFT
APRIL - LIFT
MAY - CHATTING
JUNE - DATING
JULY - MISS YOU
AUGUST - KISS YOU
SEPTEMBER - ANGER
OCTOBER - DANGER
NOVEMBER - LEFT
DECEMBER - NEXT
FEBRUARY - PROPOSE
MARCH - GIFT
APRIL - LIFT
MAY - CHATTING
JUNE - DATING
JULY - MISS YOU
AUGUST - KISS YOU
SEPTEMBER - ANGER
OCTOBER - DANGER
NOVEMBER - LEFT
DECEMBER - NEXT
30 fun things to do while Driving
1. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to head bang.
3. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words "Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
7. Laugh a lot. A whole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Pass cars, then drive very slowly.
13. Sing without having the radio on.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.
16. Ask people for Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.
23. Paint your car with occult symbols.
24. Keep at least five cats in the car.
25. Have some passengers in the back who are having wild, noisy sex.
26. Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for fire trucks.
27. Stop and collect road kill.
28. Stop and pray to road kill.
29. Throw Spam.
30. Get in the fast lane and gradually…slow…down… to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
ABC or Marriage
A - Absolutely adore each other
B - Be best friends
C - Compromise
D - Discover new things together
E - Encourage each other
F - Forgive and forget
G - Gaze into each others eyes
H - Hold hands and hug a lot
I - Inspire and intrigue each other
J - Joke and laugh and have fun
K - Kiss Kiss Kiss ;-)
L - Love with all your hearts
M - Marvel at each other's talents
N - Nature each other's soul
O - Overcome problem together
P - Play games
Q - Quiet each other's fears
R - Remember the little things
S - Say "I love you" everyday
T - Take time for tenderness
U - Understand and care deeply
V - Value everything you share
W - Wish on stars together
X - X-press your true feelings
Y - Yearn for each other's touch
Z - Zzzzz in each other's arm
B - Be best friends
C - Compromise
D - Discover new things together
E - Encourage each other
F - Forgive and forget
G - Gaze into each others eyes
H - Hold hands and hug a lot
I - Inspire and intrigue each other
J - Joke and laugh and have fun
K - Kiss Kiss Kiss ;-)
L - Love with all your hearts
M - Marvel at each other's talents
N - Nature each other's soul
O - Overcome problem together
P - Play games
Q - Quiet each other's fears
R - Remember the little things
S - Say "I love you" everyday
T - Take time for tenderness
U - Understand and care deeply
V - Value everything you share
W - Wish on stars together
X - X-press your true feelings
Y - Yearn for each other's touch
Z - Zzzzz in each other's arm
Are You a Real Guy
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
* Present it to the president of the United States.
* Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
* Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
* Innocence.
* Idealism.
* Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
* When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
* When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
* When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
* If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
* If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
* If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that he is legally within the base path, Both of you are wearing protective cups, and You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
* ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
* ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
* ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
* A cat.
* A dog.
* A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
* That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
* That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
* That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
* You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
* You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
* Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
* "Do they need to eat or anything?"
* "They're in school already?"
* "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
* When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
* When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
* It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
* He was being tested.
* He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
* He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
* Democracy.
* Religion.
* Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
* Present it to the president of the United States.
* Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
* Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
* Innocence.
* Idealism.
* Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
* When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
* When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
* When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
* If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
* If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
* If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that he is legally within the base path, Both of you are wearing protective cups, and You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
* ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
* ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
* ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
* A cat.
* A dog.
* A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy-- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers--when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
* That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
* That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
* That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her-sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
* You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
* You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
* Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
* "Do they need to eat or anything?"
* "They're in school already?"
* "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
* When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
* When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
* It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody--and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife--is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
* He was being tested.
* He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
* He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
* Democracy.
* Religion.
* Remote control.
How to Score:
Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
Beware of girls
One day, a girl, 16yrs old, heard from her mother that if she does a regular prayer for 4 yrs, a divine "Angel" would come to her in her dreams & give her 3 boons. So she decided to do it. She completed 4 years successfully, doing prayer regularly.
Now it was a day for "Angel" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really an "Angel" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.
Angel: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Angel: You have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes.
Angel: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didn’t know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.
Girl: (After thinking for some time …): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.
Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world. Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish.
Angel: Now the last boon remains.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Angel: Be as you wish.
Think friends, what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world’s most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading … boys scroll down…
******
******
******
******
******
******
******
******
Dear boys, don't worry, actually what happened is something different than what you all think! Actually, the girl’s boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world’s richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent than what we believe them to be. So don't worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Hey….I told u girls not to read…
Just for fun with truth…
Now it was a day for "Angel" to come. So she slept earlier with thoughts in her mind to ask. And, really an "Angel" comes in her dreams. Now this is the dialogue between them.
Angel: O Girl, you prayed to me regularly within last 4 yrs, so I am very very happy with you. I will complete any of your 3 wishes. You can ask anything you like, but there is one condition.
Girl: Condition!, what is that?
Angel: You have a boy-friend?
Girl: Yes.
Angel: When you were doing a prayer, he was waiting for you, so he also sacrificed same as you. Moreover, he didn’t know anything about boon and all, so he is also eligible for the boons. So whatever you will ask, he will get 10 times more than that of you. If you are agreed, then proceed for the 1st boon.
Girl: (After thinking for some time …): Yes, I am ready.
Girl: 1st, make me 10 times richer than the richest person in the world.
Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times richer than you.
Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish!
Girl: 2nd, Make me 10 times more beautiful than the most beautiful girl in the world. Angel: But your boy-friend will be 10 times handsome than the most handsome boy in the world.
Girl: It’s OK.
Angel: Be as you wish.
Angel: Now the last boon remains.
Girl: O Angel, please give me a MILD HEART-ATTACK.
Angel: What? Are you sure!
Girl: Yes. Very sure!
Angel: Be as you wish.
Think friends, what happened to her boy-friend, he got a severe heart-attack & died at once, while the girl remained alive. Thus, the girl became the world’s most beautiful girl and the richest one, too.
Moral of the story: So intelligent the girls are! Girls are really more intelligent than we believe about them to be. So be careful boys!
Now, girls please stop reading … boys scroll down…
******
******
******
******
******
******
******
******
Dear boys, don't worry, actually what happened is something different than what you all think! Actually, the girl’s boy-friend got a heart-attack, 10 TIMES MILDER than that of the girl. So the boy-friend lived longer than the girl, being world’s richest and the most handsome boy.
Moral of the story: Dear boys, the girls are not really that much intelligent than what we believe them to be. So don't worry if you think that you have girl-friend, intelligent than you.
Hey….I told u girls not to read…
Just for fun with truth…
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